Monthly Archives: December 2013

Just Say No to Negative Self Talk

At home this morning I caught a look at myself in my bathing suit and it made me sad. I gazed momentarily at my reflection in the bathroom mirror (showing my hips and up) and thought, wow, you’ve got so far to go. Not only that, but look how dimply and dry your skin looks, and by the way, you may feel like you have a waist, but you don’t really have a waist.

I know all of that negative self talk does no good whatsoever and that it can, over time, actually harm me by discouraging me. I determined that perhaps today was not a good mirror day.

I got to the deep pool and saw that the older woman was there. I said hi and we began to talk. I told her some things about myself that felt good to say out loud to someone and she seemed more comfortable too. I told her about my frustration at times, and how I might seem unfriendly at the pool, but that my focus is almost entirely on getting a good workout. She seemed to get it and said, “And here I am bothering you.” But I didn’t feel she was bothering me and I was working out pretty hard as we spoke. She’s a sweet woman.

When she left I looked over at the lap pool and decided I didn’t want to fight for a lap today, and so I got out to find my cap, goggles, and earplugs to just do some shorter laps in the deep pool, which I more or less had to myself. I could only find one earplug so I tried to go without which was not a good idea. My right ear still hurts and I just don’t like the feeling of water in my ears. So I decided to keep doing my aerobic and weight resistant moves in the deep pool. All in all I was in the water for an hour and a half and felt it was a good workout. The pool is closed tomorrow for New Year’s Day. After New Year’s, the lap pool will have more availability when I am there because the high school swim team will go back to their usual schedule.

I’m glad that my resolution to take care of myself happened a few months ago and not because of a magic date imposed on me by a calendar. I’ve not made many New Year’s resolutions in my life, but the few I’ve made have all failed. I expect the pool will be a bit busier after the first of the year with many well meaning folks.

I noticed in the city recreation guide that during the first week of January when classes resume, you can attend any class for free — what a great idea! I will try two or three classes and then I’ll decide what to sign up for.

As far as judging myself right now, I simply can’t do it. I’ve done so well and worked so incredibly hard and the idea of saying something bad about myself because I’m still fat is ludicrous. I’m losing about two pounds a week, which is all you’re supposed to lose. My clothes are all big, my bra is becoming empty, and there’s room between my stomach and the steering wheel. I need to remember that. That and the fact that my bad habits of 20+ years just can’t be undone in a few months, as much as I’d like them to.

Well, the habits are undone, but the battle to rid myself of the results of those bad habits has just begun.

I’ve said several times that I don’t really know what I’ll look like when this weight loss is complete, but I’m usually just thinking of my face. Now I realize my body will be different too, and it will be far from perfect. I figure I’ll be satisfied if I look good enough in clothes. There’s so much I want to do, and I’ll be able to do it!

The young developmentally disabled woman (I don’t know her name) was at the pool today and she was particularly active. She did many laps from one end of the deep pool to the other. Her freestyle form is good, and she doesn’t take a breath until she makes it to the other side. She must have great lungs! She looked at me and I waved at her the way you wave to young kids, with just the fingers going up and down and she mimicked me exactly. She doesn’t bother to smile; she is busy swimming, dammit!

I’m still battling dry skin but have found some degree of success with coconut oil. I bought some organic coconut oil, which is a solid at room temperature, but it “melts” quickly when it comes into contact with body heat. I dry off gently and while my skin is still moist, I rub the oil all over my legs, stomach, arms and anywhere else I can reach. When I’m done I even use what is left on my hands to gently go over my face. If you have dry skin you’ll know how necessary this is; if you don’t then count yourself lucky.

If I think of it, I do the same at night before bed. One plus, besides feeling MOIST is that you smell terrific, like some delicate baked good (not like a mai tai). I like knowing it is a pure product and that it does not contain any petroleum products. And no, it is not greasy like baby oil.

Speaking of petroleum products, I use this, but only on my back since I can’t reach it very well:


When I went to Big 5 Sporting Goods to pick up some new earplugs I walked by a candy counter near the cash register and for a moment, the thought of a Three Musketeers seemed SO UNBELIEVABLY GOOD, but I knew that I could eat it in four bites and then just want more. It’s not that there’s a ton of fat in it, it’s that it will set me up to want to eat more.

So, while I don’t consider myself on a very restrictive “diet” (way of eating), I do know that there are trigger foods, mainly candy bars, that must be avoided. I have thought about adding dark chocolate (70%) to my day, because I don’t enjoy it the same way I enjoy milk chocolate, then I realized if I didn’t love it, why bother to eat it?

Today for lunch I craved mushroom toast again and it tasted terrific. I followed it up with a large glass of water and a prune. I’m not obsessed with, um, emptying my bowels, but I do not like going a day without going. The prune is just my insurance.

A thing I’m grateful for: Guacamole isn’t bad for you.


Later. Feeling profoundly depressed. Missing my husband. Wish I were back in the pool.


Pools for All (even on our worst days)

Monday’s are a bit unpredictable as far as my water workout goes. I know my body needs a day of rest when the pool is closed, but on Mondays I tend to overdo it or can’t simply seem to warm up. Today was the latter.

I ended up staying in the water for almost an hour and a half and I know that I did push myself but it was hard today. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not discouraged (maybe slightly frustrated), it’s just something I’m aware of.

I was in the lap pool for about 40-45 minutes and tried to keep myself in almost constant movement, but the laps were a challenge today, also one of my ears is hurting inside and I need to find out what to do about that. I’ll start with a little hydrogen peroxide on a moistened q-tip and see if that helps.

I’ve noticed that when my bathing suit is wet it’s too big. I’ve been looking online at suits and there are some pretty good deals there. But I’ve been running out of money each month and if I can put off that expense for one more month I should try. I like this wide strap one in red, but don’t know if I should wear a “lifeguard” color:


No, I can’t buy the red one, it’s too “Baywatch.”

From my very first day at the pool I noticed a young woman who I cross paths with at least twice a week. She’s developmentally disabled and when she’s dressed and out of the water she is hard to understand and she makes big movements with her body as though she is bowing forcefully.

The first time I saw her I was fearful she’d bang her head on the counter. She had loads of bags with her and some McDonalds packages. She picked everything up and walked to the door. At the curb was a woman in a mini van who unrolled the window and said, “Don’t forget to swim.” And the young woman turned and came back into the facility.

Now when I watch her my heart just swells. Being at the pool is obviously the most enjoyable thing this girl does. There are three pools there, all good sized. One is a shallow, warmer pool; the second is the at least 8 lane lap pool, and the deep diving pool is the third. She plays in the shallow pool for a bit and then pulls herself out and walks tip toed to the lap pool where she picks an empty lane and dives in and swims the length of it. When she reaches the end, she pulls herself over the wall to enter the deep pool where she says a loud, “Hi” to everyone she encounters.

Sometimes she’ll get out of that pool and jump back in, but usually she tip toes back to the shallow pool where she jumps in and plays for another ten minutes and then she starts the whole thing again.

Once when I said hi back to her, I added, “How are you?” To which she responded, “Stupendous, fantastic, amazing, astonishing, tremendous.” And I responded, “Magnificent.” And then she was gone again.

It’s probably no surprise then that the girl also has an amazing figure! And I’m so delighted that the pool is her home as much as it is my home, or the guy who does laps for over an hour straight. It’s our pool.

I looked over from the lap pool today, a little frustrated because I was sharing the lane with a “real” swimmer (anyone who does an underwater turn) and I kept doing my  strokes too fast, which wears me out, and I saw a man I’ve also seen a lot of, walking with his walker to the long ramp which enters the shallower pool. He’s morbidly obese and always wears a large t-shirt. He walked his walker as far as he could and then used the handrail to continue down the ramp into the water.

I thought about how much courage that must take and I wonder how long he’s been doing it. He’s been coming to the pool at least as long as I have. It might just save his life. I hope it does. Who knows what kind of person lurks under all that weight? I wonder if he feels trapped like I did.

There was a day last week when my behavior at the pool was awful. I had finally realized my husband had no intention of reconciling with me and fear set in. I was attempting to work out very hard in the deep pool. The only other people in the pool were two women who were exercising together. I took the corner farthest from them. Eventually they decided to do their thing around the perimeter of the pool instead of back and forth across it, so naturally about every 10 minutes they where in my way again and I had to hear their banter about husbands and relatives.

I made a sudden movement, jerking my body away from them and muttered something about, “Hope I’m not in your way” to them. I have no idea if they noticed or if they realized I was referring to them, but they left the pool shortly after. I felt like an idiot. I put my head under the water and screamed and let a few tears fall. There’s no need for me to take my anger out on other innocent people.

That said, I’m simply not the friendliest person there. I do not go to socialize, I go there  to work out. And many women go to both the deep and shallow pool to socialize. That’s fine, but leave me alone, please, and PLEASE stay out of my way.

I have to admit, however, that I really enjoyed speaking to the other woman I met last week in the lap pool who was very serious about swimming and other fitness endeavors. Lap pool people are different from most water aerobic types.

When I’m at the pool I am aware that I am not young, nor am I at a healthy weight yet but I have never felt any judgement from anyone, not even the high school swim team that often uses the pool.

Women of all sizes strip naked when they are showering after their swim, but I don’t. I’m not sure that I will ever want to, but I really don’t want to now. I’m not sure if it’s shame or just modesty, perhaps both. I just don’t feel like getting naked in front of people. When they are naked around me, I keep my eyes to myself; I’m not used to it yet!

I was wondering when I might want to put a photo of myself on this blog and I am not sure. There is certainly no “before” picture to display since, like many fat people, I avoided the camera at all costs, but I thought perhaps when I get under 200, a huge milestone, I might just take a photo then.

I don’t look in the mirror that often after I brush my hair and put lotion on my face, but I am beginning to notice a change in my face and neck (I have one!). As I’ve said before, I was a pretty younger woman (before mid 30s), but then the weight came and didn’t stop coming. Now, at 56, I just have no idea what I’ll look like and it’s sort of a nice thing to look forward to. I plan to simply make the best of it.

When I moved into my parent’s home last October I thought I would only be here a few weeks, at most. Now that I know I will be here much longer, I need to spend some time making my room more comfortable. I have piles in corners of the room and I need to make the room more livable.

That’s my reality and it could be worse. I’m healthier than I realized. I love my family. I’m blogging and sitting here listening to an Allen Toussaint album that some nice person put on YouTube:

Muscle Memory, Heart Memory

Today, Sunday, I realized that I weighed too soon. I weighed on Saturday instead of Sunday. I don’t care. That scale isn’t accurate enough for me to worry about one day.

Yesterday I ate more than usual in the evening. Chips with guacamole, small serving of homemade lasagna, sliver of cheesecake with a bit of homemade raspberry sauce on it, coffee. I felt uncomfortable for the rest of the night; not used to eating bigger meals and don’t feel like doing it again today.

It’s so odd that being empty or even hungry was so painful in my past weight loss attempts, but now I prefer that feeling over fullness. Hope that lasts.

My swimming experience was good yesterday. I spent over 20 minutes exercising in the deep pool, then a good 30 minutes doing laps. I rarely rest more than five seconds between laps, but if I feel super winded, I do an easy lap back to regain my breath.

I try to concentrate mostly on breathing on alternate sides and although yesterday was only my third day of practice, I can see that I am making strides. I swallowed less water but I can tell that I spend a tad longer when I breathe on the left side rather than on the right side. I don’t have the muscle memory yet for it to feel natural so it’s not as smooth a movement as it is on my right.

There are other things to concentrate on too, like exactly when to turn my head, how far to turn it (and my body), and how much of a breath to take. I try to pay close attention to what I do totally naturally on my right side and do that on my left side.

I read about people who practice the Total Immersion method of swimming and they talk about leading with the hip and I completely understand that when I’m in the water, at least I think I do. It’s amazing to me that you can learn about swimming techniques by reading about them, but you can.

I am still working a bit too hard at my stroke and after two laps am fairly winded, but I can now do three or even four freestyle strokes before I have to change to an easier stroke. I have to force myself to do a very controlled slow lap and then I do much better.

I got back into the deep pool and spent 15-20 minutes there doing ab stuff, other strength stuff, and stretching. For some reason I am sore today and I’m not sure why. That’s ok. I don’t mind being reminded of my body and maybe it means I worked out a slightly different way which is good too.

Everyday that I am in the pool I realize how wonderful it is to be able to get a total body workout in the water. Stretching, plenty of resistance, aerobic, it’s all there.

I have a new Twitter account for this blog and yesterday someone retweeted a post by swimming writer Mike Gustafson and it was so poignant and beautifully written I retweeted it and will add it here. Hope you can read it (click on it to enlarge):


I have not heard from my husband since I sent him the “ok, I give up” email. I hate that we have now embarked on the awful side of separation/divorce. I don’t feel like fighting with him, I just want him to be fair.

I still wear my wedding band because I like it and don’t know what else to put on that finger since I have sold almost all my jewelry to get by. Interestingly, I have not been wearing anything but the wedding band because I got tired of taking off my earrings and necklace every time I swam. I used to feel so naked without the jewelry but now I don’t care. Same with makeup. I am not bothering to use it very often but I did buy some Aveeno lotion with some foundation in it and that seems to work fairly well for me to even out my pinkness.

Those things don’t mean a whole lot right now and to be honest it’s saving me money. I do think I look a little better with some makeup on since my features are small and I am so pale.

Since I am known for running from one relationship to another I am glad I can’t right now. I am too ashamed at being so big and don’t feel that I would be attracted to the sort of man who might be attracted to me right now.

Instead I want to focus on fitness and weight loss and trying new activities. Perhaps in another 30-50 pounds I’ll feel like putting myself out there; in the meantime it’s just a nice break for me. I have made so many relationship mistakes and I need to slow down and just get to know myself.

I miss my husband and feel I still love him. If he started pursuing me I might cave in and go back to him, but that’s highly unlikely and deep inside I know we will be better off apart. It’s so heartbreaking.

I barely make enough money to get through the month so I’m wondering how I can retain an attorney, let alone save for the bike I want. I just have to be frugal and do what I can.

Today will be spent driving my daughter back home and I look forward to two hours in the car with her to visit. It was such a short stay!

And tomorrow I’ll be back in the pool where I am the most fulfilled and able to not think about my troubles for a couple of hours.


Took a couple of days off from blogging because I had to drive to pick my daughter up. Her car broke down and she had arranged three days off and I wasn’t going to let her just stay home (2 hours away) and be sad.

On the last day I wrote here, I finally sent my husband an email saying that I could see there’d be no reconciliation between us and if that is the case we need to start the ugly business of dividing stuff up. I haven’t heard from him since.

At first I felt bad that I sent the email, then I thought, screw it. It had to be done. The thing is, I hate this part. I hate the bickering and fighting over possessions and money. HATE IT. But I’ve got no alternative.

I swam the past two days after Christmas and plan to go this morning as well since Sunday is no pool day. I was frustrated yesterday, because as I got into the deep pool to warm up, a nice older woman came to yack my head off. I’ve spoken to her quite a few times, but I do my best to get the pleasantries out of the way and then move off to my corner. But since I was the only other person in the pool she kept following me. Finally I saw there was a lane open in the lap pool and I excused myself. She even said, “Oh you just want to get away from me.” And she was right, but geez, if you know you’re annoying someone, stop annoying them!

So I went to the lap pool and because I’m working harder there I don’t last quite as long. I was there for over 30 minutes and felt the pressure of people standing there who wanted a lane, plus I had been kicked twice, once by a high school student and once by my lane partner and I really don’t like that. Am I the only one who can recall what it’s like to be kicked in the stomach and have the wind knocked out of you? That’s what I fear. But so far I’ve been kicked in the bum and the foot.

I saw that the older woman was still in the deep pool so I went over reluctantly. She had been talking to the lifeguard almost the whole time I was out of the pool. I snuck in behind her hopping she would not notice me, but within a minute she came over. My back was to her and I was doing these sitting scissor kicks and I was counting to 50. So when she started yakking, I turned to her and put my fingers to my lips and said, “twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six…” And she got the picture and said goodbye. My god. I just want to have a hard workout. That’s all I want.

Well, I weighed just a few moments ago and the scale said 234.6. My scale has been wonky and I was afraid to get back on it in fear it would go up two pounds as it has been doing. For now I guess I’ll round to 235 pounds, which means I’ve probably lost two pounds this week, and am at a 32 pound weight loss overall. I think. I wish this scale was more reliable.

I hope that I have legitimately lost two pounds this week, which would be fairly amazing for Christmas week, but the truth is, I’m not eating all that much so it could be accurate.

Last night I spent a couple of hours moving my posts from Tumblr to this Word Press blog. Someday, when I get some readers, I want them to be able to leave comments! I’m not always sure what to put here, and don’t want to get carried away with my marital problems, but, dear nonexistent readers, you need to know that in times past, when things were awful, I’d eat bottles of pills and end up in the psych ward. I’m not doing that now. I’m swimming. I’m putting one foot in front of the other. I have plans for myself.

Don’t get me wrong, my future is totally unclear, but I plan to continue losing weight, continue being very active and in fact becoming more active. I plan to make a friend or two and hopefully get a part time job.

I have a very tough road ahead of me with my divorce. I hate even saying it. I really tried to convince him to give me another chance. The truth is that I do deserve another chance, but something clicked in him and he is no longer the person I once knew. I can’t seem to reach him — something I could have never predicted. He’s lost to me.

I don’t want to be 56 and single, I’ll be honest, I really don’t. My husband is making plans without me and without considering me, and he’ll probably end up with his kids and parents either in So. California or Texas, they are moving from London and don’t want to live in the Pacific Northwest which has London-ish weather. Can’t blame them, really.

I moved away from Southern California over 25 years ago and have regretted it for many years now. Sadly, the California I knew is now long gone, and I am used to a slower pace of life here in Oregon. The sun used to fry my pale skin. The traffic was so bad. I am not sure I could re-adjust to California again, no matter how sad that makes me. Still, if he asked me to move there with him, I’d consider it.

The problem is my dad is ill and my parents are going to need me. At this point in my life I’m not sure what help I can be, but I hope to be able to step up when the time comes. Thinking of my aging parents makes me incredibly sad, so I have to stop.

I’ve got to stop making this post a total downer. I’m looking forward to my swim this morning and to spending the rest of the day with my daughter. We are making lasagna later and two of her cousins are joining us so that will be nice too. I lost two pounds and am creeping slowly to the 220s. My bra is almost no use right now — I’m just not filling out the cup anymore. It really feels good to be smaller.

Even with this small weight loss and so far to go on my weight loss and fitness journey, I feel so much better it’s incredible. I already feel as though I can look people in the eye and not feel so much shame. Shame that I didn’t even realize was part of my daily life. I started gaining weight in my early thirties and in the beginning I really lashed out and freaked out about my changing body, but then I must have accepted it and gave up the battle.

For the first thirty years of my life I was a pretty young woman and I learned how to keep men at arm’s length because they all seemed to want a piece of me. I won’t be having that issue in the future so I’m free to just be myself and make the most out of life.

Divorce aside, I can’t wait to see what my future will bring.

What Doesn’t Kill Us…

They say what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. They also say God never gives you more than you can handle. I tend to believe the former rather than the latter.

Once I settled (however painfully) into the idea that my relationship with my husband was over, my pain began to be relieved. Very slightly, that is, and in fits and spurts, but as of today (and right at this moment) I am having some relief from the pain. Yay.

I woke up today excited about swimming since I had yesterday off for Christmas. I spent quite a bit of time leaning about Total Immersion swimming and thought it might help me with my issue of doing more freestyle laps in a row.

I’m sure it’s the sort of technique that you pick up much more of when you have someone in the flesh teaching it to you, but I applied what I did understand and to my amazement, I saw improvement immediately.

The gist, in my view, is not to worry so much about perfect form, i.e., placement of your hands, arms, etc, but to relax into the stroke. Your face is more submerged, your arms work less, you alternative sides that you take a breath from and viola, I was immediately able to do several laps in a row with barely a stop.

The front crawl or freestyle stroke is about 90% upper body. Because I’m more interested in distance and time in the water swimming (and not racing), I can settle into a stroke which saves the arms. It felt good right away. The only area I need lots of work on is how to breathe properly from my left since I am a habitual right side breather.

I know all that will take is practice so in the meanwhile, I’ll keep perfecting the Total Immersion techniques and in time I will naturally get faster anyway.

I also found out in my reading yesterday that the freestyle simply doesn’t use your legs that much. I was really concerned with making them work and it was causing me to a.) wear out, and b.) not swim efficiently. With the new stroke I allow my legs to do what they want to do naturally behind me, which is a gentle kick which keeps me balanced in the water.

I just concentrate more on giving my legs a workout when I’m doing my deep water exercises. I am discovering new ways to work my abs as well, which is fun. If the movement feels graceful and I begin to get that slight burn in my stomach muscles, I simply keep doing it.

The highlight of my time at the pool today was meeting another swimmer and having a long talk with her. She’s a big woman, but extremely active and could swim at least double the amount of laps I can swim. She told me she also does yoga, walking, and bike riding. I was really excited to hear how she mixes up her activity and I think we hit it off. I hope to see her again.

I’ve read in the swimming blog on The Guardian website that swimming people are friendly and I’m glad to finally interact with one. I’ve chatted with a couple of older women in my aerobics class but it’s been about generalities and their grandkids. I’d prefer to talk about fitness and what works for other people.

I just found another method of swimming called The Shaw method and it looks really intriguing too. I love the water so much and I love hearing from other people who love it as much as I do.

Merry Christmas

We (my parents and I) had a niece and nephew and their significant others over yesterday for tortilla soup followed by pie.

I ate two pieces of peanut butter fudge and they were ridiculously good. I had a sliver of pumpkin pie but none of the apple pie.

I’m sure I won’t gain weight this week, but don’t think I’ll lose.

I went to the pool yesterday and it was sort of busy because, while there were no classes, the facility shut at 1 p.m.

I had a hard time concentrating because I am very tense and depressed right now, but managed to work out fairly well for over an hour.

My parents bought me a one month gift certificate to the pool which I appreciated, and I bought them a $50 gift card to the local movie house.

Won’t bother to remember what I ate yesterday or what I plan to eat today, but will start back up with that tomorrow.

Make no mistake, I am not showing what I eat to be any sort of inspiration for anyone else. Maybe someday I will have information or advice for other morbidly obese people, but right now I don’t.

I’m pretty certain I’m not eating quite enough in quantity, quality, or perhaps even calories, but this is what I’m eating right now.

I put on a shirt that I last tried on about a week before my husband and I separated. At that time I could not fasten it at all. Now it’s large across the stomach. I almost wish I had measured myself because I think I’ve lost the most weight in that region. Sadly, I was so huge there, that I am still huge there, just not quite as huge.

I have spent quite a bit of time crying yesterday and today and tried to get through to myself that my husband doesn’t want me anymore. Furthermore, he doesn’t even feel any sort of tenderness towards me and it’s so out of character that I am in a state of shock.

We spoke today and he became very terse and argumentative with me. I hung up and pulled the covers up over my face and cried into the pillow. This is the first time in over two months that I feel I need to stay in bed and cry and pout. But I had a terrible headache all last night from the crying yesterday, and I slowly realized that all my crying would not bring him back.

Another instinct I had today was to delete this blog but then I realized that my journey to better health, both physical and mental, has only just begun. To be honest, if I recover from this breakup, it’ll be more of a miracle than losing 100 pounds.

My daughter will be here in two days and she will stay for three days, so that is all I have to look forward to. She’ll be a great distraction and the family will come back over to see her on Saturday for lasagna because she’s the oldest granddaughter and everyone adores her. Especially me.

Right now I absolutely cannot see what my future will be like. If I dwell on it, it would seem very, very bleak so I just can’t dwell on it. There’s no point. It does no good.

All I know is that I will get up every day (except Sundays and holidays) and I will swim as hard as I can. After the first of the year I will take those other classes as well, and start looking for a part time job.

Eventually I’ll get a bit of money from my husband and I have no idea what I’ll do with it. I doubt it will be enough to start a business.

Last time we spoke he said he hates this town and plans to move to where his mother, father, and children move to when they come to the U.S., either Texas or Southern California. I told him his daughters would hate Texas, but I could be wrong. I know I’d hate Texas.

So he’ll be leaving the area and I will probably never see him again. I suppose as hard as that will be, it will get me another step closer to facing this reality, coping with it, and moving on from it.

The only good news is that, as depressed as I feel, the idea of contemplating suicide or anything extreme gets pushed from my mind as quickly as it enters. Those days are past but I do sorely wish I had someone to talk to about all of this.

Only someone who has been through this can remotely understand how difficult it is and what strength it takes.

Starting tomorrow, I promise to limit the husband portion of this blog. It profoundly affects my mood, but I don’t want to rehash it here.

A Post So Bad it Has No Name

The word to describe today’s mood is, “Gah.” I am profoundly depressed because it’s Christmas time and I miss my husband. I probably should not try to write at all.

I woke up knowing my mom would be busy with her work and that dad and I had a large to do list because “company” is coming tomorrow.

I was eager to get to the pool but concerned about my dry skin. Last night before bed I smeared myself with coconut oil. Then today as I got my suit on I did it again. After I showered I did it again. We’ll see if it helps.

I worked out in the deep pool only for about 90 minutes or so. The lap pool was busy with the high school swim team and I did not want to compete for the open lanes with other more serious swimmers. I fear I’ll wander in my lane or kick them or they’ll kick me. I prefer having it all to myself.

Tomorrow, being Christmas Eve, I’ll work out hard since there will be no exercise the following day.

I Facetimed with my stepdaughters for over two hours and forgot to come back here and try to improve this post. Plus I’m low and have a one track mind at present.

Not happy about what I ate dinner. I didn’t want pizza tonight, but dad did, so I went to pick it up. It wasn’t thin crust as I had requested so I was so aware that I was eating EVIL WHITE FLOUR. I ate three skinny pieces and stopped.

So today I ate:

1/2 slice toast

Meal replacement drink w/ 15 grams protein

Three skinny slices of pizza
2 Fig Newtons

And I repeat, “Gah.”