At home this morning I caught a look at myself in my bathing suit and it made me sad. I gazed momentarily at my reflection in the bathroom mirror (showing my hips and up) and thought, wow, you’ve got so far to go. Not only that, but look how dimply and dry your skin looks, and by the way, you may feel like you have a waist, but you don’t really have a waist.
I know all of that negative self talk does no good whatsoever and that it can, over time, actually harm me by discouraging me. I determined that perhaps today was not a good mirror day.
I got to the deep pool and saw that the older woman was there. I said hi and we began to talk. I told her some things about myself that felt good to say out loud to someone and she seemed more comfortable too. I told her about my frustration at times, and how I might seem unfriendly at the pool, but that my focus is almost entirely on getting a good workout. She seemed to get it and said, “And here I am bothering you.” But I didn’t feel she was bothering me and I was working out pretty hard as we spoke. She’s a sweet woman.
When she left I looked over at the lap pool and decided I didn’t want to fight for a lap today, and so I got out to find my cap, goggles, and earplugs to just do some shorter laps in the deep pool, which I more or less had to myself. I could only find one earplug so I tried to go without which was not a good idea. My right ear still hurts and I just don’t like the feeling of water in my ears. So I decided to keep doing my aerobic and weight resistant moves in the deep pool. All in all I was in the water for an hour and a half and felt it was a good workout. The pool is closed tomorrow for New Year’s Day. After New Year’s, the lap pool will have more availability when I am there because the high school swim team will go back to their usual schedule.
I’m glad that my resolution to take care of myself happened a few months ago and not because of a magic date imposed on me by a calendar. I’ve not made many New Year’s resolutions in my life, but the few I’ve made have all failed. I expect the pool will be a bit busier after the first of the year with many well meaning folks.
I noticed in the city recreation guide that during the first week of January when classes resume, you can attend any class for free — what a great idea! I will try two or three classes and then I’ll decide what to sign up for.
As far as judging myself right now, I simply can’t do it. I’ve done so well and worked so incredibly hard and the idea of saying something bad about myself because I’m still fat is ludicrous. I’m losing about two pounds a week, which is all you’re supposed to lose. My clothes are all big, my bra is becoming empty, and there’s room between my stomach and the steering wheel. I need to remember that. That and the fact that my bad habits of 20+ years just can’t be undone in a few months, as much as I’d like them to.
Well, the habits are undone, but the battle to rid myself of the results of those bad habits has just begun.
I’ve said several times that I don’t really know what I’ll look like when this weight loss is complete, but I’m usually just thinking of my face. Now I realize my body will be different too, and it will be far from perfect. I figure I’ll be satisfied if I look good enough in clothes. There’s so much I want to do, and I’ll be able to do it!
The young developmentally disabled woman (I don’t know her name) was at the pool today and she was particularly active. She did many laps from one end of the deep pool to the other. Her freestyle form is good, and she doesn’t take a breath until she makes it to the other side. She must have great lungs! She looked at me and I waved at her the way you wave to young kids, with just the fingers going up and down and she mimicked me exactly. She doesn’t bother to smile; she is busy swimming, dammit!
I’m still battling dry skin but have found some degree of success with coconut oil. I bought some organic coconut oil, which is a solid at room temperature, but it “melts” quickly when it comes into contact with body heat. I dry off gently and while my skin is still moist, I rub the oil all over my legs, stomach, arms and anywhere else I can reach. When I’m done I even use what is left on my hands to gently go over my face. If you have dry skin you’ll know how necessary this is; if you don’t then count yourself lucky.
If I think of it, I do the same at night before bed. One plus, besides feeling MOIST is that you smell terrific, like some delicate baked good (not like a mai tai). I like knowing it is a pure product and that it does not contain any petroleum products. And no, it is not greasy like baby oil.
Speaking of petroleum products, I use this, but only on my back since I can’t reach it very well:
When I went to Big 5 Sporting Goods to pick up some new earplugs I walked by a candy counter near the cash register and for a moment, the thought of a Three Musketeers seemed SO UNBELIEVABLY GOOD, but I knew that I could eat it in four bites and then just want more. It’s not that there’s a ton of fat in it, it’s that it will set me up to want to eat more.
So, while I don’t consider myself on a very restrictive “diet” (way of eating), I do know that there are trigger foods, mainly candy bars, that must be avoided. I have thought about adding dark chocolate (70%) to my day, because I don’t enjoy it the same way I enjoy milk chocolate, then I realized if I didn’t love it, why bother to eat it?
Today for lunch I craved mushroom toast again and it tasted terrific. I followed it up with a large glass of water and a prune. I’m not obsessed with, um, emptying my bowels, but I do not like going a day without going. The prune is just my insurance.
A thing I’m grateful for: Guacamole isn’t bad for you.
Later. Feeling profoundly depressed. Missing my husband. Wish I were back in the pool.