Weighing, Real Life, Gratitude

I determined today that my husband and I separated on October 16 and so I consider that to be the date I began to decide to be healthier, two solid months ago. I don’t weigh too often because I get discouraged by plateaus. I generally weigh about once a week.

For the purposes of this blog I will weigh on Sundays, my day of rest from hard physical activity. (Only because the pool is closed on Sundays).

Today I got on the scale shortly after waking and it read 238 and I was flabbergasted and overjoyed. Still I had my doubts so a couple of hours later, after having only a cup of coffee, I got on the scale again and it was 240. I don’t know which one is right, but I suspect it’s the 240.

So, that’s a 27 pound weight loss in almost exactly two months. I can’t complain about that. I’m pleased and proud of myself, yet it’s hard not to think about how long it will take to lose at least 80 more pounds. I’ll shove that out of my head for now and look forward to 225. I haven’t weighed less than that in well over ten years.

Before I started my health and weight loss regimen I had decided to have bariatric weight loss surgery. I read all about the sleeve procedure and resigned myself to that. I honestly didn’t think I was capable of losing weight. But I went to my doctor and because I have non traditional insurance, there’s no way they would pay for it unless I was also suffering from diabetes, sleep apnea, or some other serious issues.

I decided to be grateful for what little health I had left. I sometimes look at my new way of eating as a faux stomach bypass. I’ve even thought about going to a hypnotist to have them convince my sub-conscience that I did have the surgery. I’ve heard that works for some people.

The bottom line is, while what I’m doing is hard, I am grateful that I didn’t go under the knife again. I’ve had so many surgeries in my life, including a hysterectomy two years ago, that I just hated the idea of going under again.

I had a disheartening conversation with my husband last night and feel so tired of rehashing the same old arguments with him. Sometimes it’s impossible for me to believe he really doesn’t love me anymore. I can’t really imagine how that happened.

But back to more positive things! Things I am grateful for like the amazing city pool just five minutes from my parent’s home. I am grateful that the city decided it’s residents deserve such a facility!

I am grateful that I am now sleeping 6-8 hours a night using only melatonin!

I am grateful that the body I felt was dangerously close to becoming completely immobile can actually do stuff like walking briskly, swimming, stretching!

I’m grateful that I can lose weight when I was absolutely convinced it was an impossibility.

Sometimes I spend some wasteful minutes pondering what I might look like when I finally get to a “normal” weight. I began gaining weight in my early thirties when my depression really kicked in and I’ve never really been able to control it since then.

So while I was considered a pretty younger woman, I won’t be that younger woman when I get to goal weight; I’ll be someone completely new. I imagine it will come slowly since the weight will come off slowly but it’s hard not to get excited about not having to shop in fat lady stores. Their clothes are not only expensive, but they don’t suit my tastes.

The other day I actually spent $15 on a fitted sleeveless black dress in XL at Old Navy in the hopes that perhaps sometime in 2014 I might be able to wear it. Fat people cannot buy $15 dresses as they do not exist!

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How will I dress the new me?

In the past several years I’ve spent most my time online looking at home decorating websites like Apartment Therapy, but now I find myself clicking on fashion, beauty, and fitness sites, and I’m really enjoying it. Of course I have to translate some of it to fit an older woman. I can hardly accept that I am an older woman. I absolutely do not feel like it.

I hope to spend the next year coming to terms with who I am and learning to love and appreciate myself. There are many things I’d like to try such as: horseback riding, archery, bike riding, kayaking, hiking, snowshoeing, whale watching, and I’d like to learn a little about wines. I know next to nothing about wine.

These things are all doable. They aren’t outlandish at all.

I want physical activity to be the primary fun of my life and the life of anyone I’m involved with. Together and separately. And to meet other like minded people. And to do and feel and touch and not be overly concerned with my outer package. It is what it is.

I’d like to work part time but this is one area where my age gets to me. I haven’t worked outside the house for over seven years and my competition is now twenty-somethings.

When I think about what to do for work I come up blank. But one thing came to my mind the other day while looking at the extension classes at the local community college. Is it possible for me to get a certificate to teach water aerobics or some other fitness class? I might look into that, especially when I have a bit more weight loss under my belt.

I would really love to teach some type of fitness class to people who have all but given up hope that they might get fit.

I heard of a hugely obese man (click to watch video) who decided to try yoga and he went to several places where he was turned away or looked at with scorn. Finally he ended up in a class that accepted him and over time the yoga absolutely redefined his body. It was unbelievably heartwarming.

Everyone should have that opportunity.

Of course I am aware that exercise is not the only factor here. If we continue to eat the way we eat and only add exercise, we might not lose any weight at all, or very little. To lose weight you have to give some things up. When you realize the things you are giving up are dreadful for you, you become resentful of them for existing at all!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not health nut, and I don’t want to be. I live in the real world and make real world decisions about what to eat or not to eat. Sometimes in a pinch I even drink one of those high protein meal replacements simply because I can’t figure out what to eat. I know they aren’t healthy, they are only more healthy they not eating at all.

My last confession/realization is that I probably have a leg up on other people in a similar situation because I am upset about being separated from my husband. That breakup feeling that you get in your stomach makes it easier not to eat. In fact, I only have to think about my situation and I stop craving whatever I was craving.

That leg up will not always be with me, however. And no matter what happens between us, I am determined that health and fitness will be a central part of my life from now on.

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