Weight and Shame

I was so sore last night and ended up taking two pain relievers. I’m a bit achy today, but not bad.

My workout was good. I got to the pool a little later than usual and was in the deep pool warming up by 10:15. At 10:30 I got into the lap pool and spent 45 minutes there doing what I could. I ended by spending about 20 minutes back in the deep pool doing my usual routine of stomach exercises, stretching, floating and cooling down.

Then I realized I lost my goggles and determined they were probably at the bottom of the pool. I had to spend $10 buying another cheap pair today. I can’t skip lap swimming. It’s simply too important right now.

I’ve noticed, too, that my bathing suit is really bleaching out and stretching out too. I will probably save for a new one next month. Swimming suits are expensive, at least $50.

I ate a boiled egg with some butter on it for breakfast, with a slice of toast. I enjoy a warm breakfast, I’ve realized, and a savory one.

Sipping a meal replacement now simply because I feel lazy and don’t know what to eat. Mom’s making salmon tonight so I’m looking forward to that.

It’s clear that my husband just wants to pretend I don’t exist right now. He really does not want me bothering him at all. He behaves as though the slightest bit of contact is suffocating and stressing him out. I just don’t understand it, but I’ve decided to ease off the texts and emails.

I keep thinking there’s a magical amount of weight I need to lose before I do certain things, like look for a job, or fill out a profile on match.com (kidding for now on the latter).

I really did not understand how much being fat made me sad and ashamed. What will be the magical amount of weight to lose before I want to show myself to new people? 225? 199? Less?

I am just guessing, but at my height (5’8”) when I get below 200 I will begin to look sort of normal. I might even be able to fit in some regular sized clothes. I think getting under 200 will be an enormous milestone for me.

I watched a few minutes of The Biggest Loser last night, a show I don’t really approve of because it does not reflect real world efforts to lose weight and keep it off. I was in awe of the people who had lost 80 and 90 pounds and I wanted to have that kind of weight loss behind me.

I fear that next Sunday I’ll get on the scale at I will weigh the same or more. And I can’t fathom how that could happen because I just don’t eat that much. But the fear won’t go away. All this effort and no weight loss is inconceivable to me, especially at this stage when I am still very overweight.

On days I don’t exercise I feel it’s harder to keep my eating under control so I spend time worrying that the pool will close or be too full, or other stupid things.

I think when I join the land-based class I plan to take beginning in January that will be a significant event. Moving in front of other people; opening myself up to judgement. In the water no one can see how much effort you’re putting in or if you’re doing something right or wrong so I am proud of myself for even being ready for the next step and I hope it clicks with me and is something I look forward to doing.

I’m torn between Tai Chi and Yoga and wonder if I can afford both. As long as it doesn’t require much investment in clothing and accessories I can probably do both. And I will interact more with people, something that does not come easily to me.

Even the people on The Biggest Loser were only losing 4-6 pounds a week. When you think about what 4-6 pounds of hamburger looks like, that’s a lot. But when you see it on your scale, it’s not. So what will I weigh next week? Two pounds lighter? No wonder people get discouraged.

In my head I keep repeating, “You didn’t put it on in a week, you can’t take it off in a week.” But I still want to.

I think what I really need are other distractions that will allow me to still eat well and exercise, but not have so much time to focus on the scale.


One response to “Weight and Shame

  1. Slow and steady wins the race! If you lose it slowly you’re much more likely to keep it off.

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