Weight and Shame

I was so sore last night and ended up taking two pain relievers. I’m a bit achy today, but not bad.

My workout was good. I got to the pool a little later than usual and was in the deep pool warming up by 10:15. At 10:30 I got into the lap pool and spent 45 minutes there doing what I could. I ended by spending about 20 minutes back in the deep pool doing my usual routine of stomach exercises, stretching, floating and cooling down.

Then I realized I lost my goggles and determined they were probably at the bottom of the pool. I had to spend $10 buying another cheap pair today. I can’t skip lap swimming. It’s simply too important right now.

I’ve noticed, too, that my bathing suit is really bleaching out and stretching out too. I will probably save for a new one next month. Swimming suits are expensive, at least $50.

I ate a boiled egg with some butter on it for breakfast, with a slice of toast. I enjoy a warm breakfast, I’ve realized, and a savory one.

Sipping a meal replacement now simply because I feel lazy and don’t know what to eat. Mom’s making salmon tonight so I’m looking forward to that.

It’s clear that my husband just wants to pretend I don’t exist right now. He really does not want me bothering him at all. He behaves as though the slightest bit of contact is suffocating and stressing him out. I just don’t understand it, but I’ve decided to ease off the texts and emails.

I keep thinking there’s a magical amount of weight I need to lose before I do certain things, like look for a job, or fill out a profile on match.com (kidding for now on the latter).

I really did not understand how much being fat made me sad and ashamed. What will be the magical amount of weight to lose before I want to show myself to new people? 225? 199? Less?

I am just guessing, but at my height (5’8”) when I get below 200 I will begin to look sort of normal. I might even be able to fit in some regular sized clothes. I think getting under 200 will be an enormous milestone for me.

I watched a few minutes of The Biggest Loser last night, a show I don’t really approve of because it does not reflect real world efforts to lose weight and keep it off. I was in awe of the people who had lost 80 and 90 pounds and I wanted to have that kind of weight loss behind me.

I fear that next Sunday I’ll get on the scale at I will weigh the same or more. And I can’t fathom how that could happen because I just don’t eat that much. But the fear won’t go away. All this effort and no weight loss is inconceivable to me, especially at this stage when I am still very overweight.

On days I don’t exercise I feel it’s harder to keep my eating under control so I spend time worrying that the pool will close or be too full, or other stupid things.

I think when I join the land-based class I plan to take beginning in January that will be a significant event. Moving in front of other people; opening myself up to judgement. In the water no one can see how much effort you’re putting in or if you’re doing something right or wrong so I am proud of myself for even being ready for the next step and I hope it clicks with me and is something I look forward to doing.

I’m torn between Tai Chi and Yoga and wonder if I can afford both. As long as it doesn’t require much investment in clothing and accessories I can probably do both. And I will interact more with people, something that does not come easily to me.

Even the people on The Biggest Loser were only losing 4-6 pounds a week. When you think about what 4-6 pounds of hamburger looks like, that’s a lot. But when you see it on your scale, it’s not. So what will I weigh next week? Two pounds lighter? No wonder people get discouraged.

In my head I keep repeating, “You didn’t put it on in a week, you can’t take it off in a week.” But I still want to.

I think what I really need are other distractions that will allow me to still eat well and exercise, but not have so much time to focus on the scale.

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One response to “Weight and Shame

  1. Slow and steady wins the race! If you lose it slowly you’re much more likely to keep it off.

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