It’s Our Marriage so it’s Our Rules

My husband really made it clear that he wants me to back off so for the last 48 hours I have. To my surprise he called me today feeling a bit randy. He says he’s tired of doing things other people’s way. It’s his way now. Fine, I thought. I’ll give it a go. I don’t care. Egos have no place in marriage.

There are many emotions I could be feeling but I guess I’ve decided to suspend most of them. This is a change for me as I usually feel them all at once and too deeply and then have a knee jerk reaction that ruins everything. To be honest, it’s a relief not to react as much. Too bad I didn’t think of this before now.

Every now and then the old me pops up, for example I screamed in the car the other day because someone was driving horrendously and I was impatient. Almost as soon as it happened I felt both embarrassed and ridiculous. It’s just not worth it.

My husband and I have never done anything in a traditional way. And while both of our families would prefer if we did not get back together, we will if it’s right for us. Or even if it’s wrong for us. It’s our marriage and it doesn’t have to fit any one else’s idea of a marriage.

I’ve been working out too hard and was so, so sore last night. I spend the entire night watching TV sitting on my exercise ball stretching and doing stomach exercises.

I kept my workout sort of practical today. I got there late and was in the pool by 10:40 warming up. Then from 11 to 11:35 I did laps, and then spent another 20 minutes back in the diving pool doing my thang. It felt more reasonable.

I find I don’t like getting to the pool after 10 a.m. so will make an effort to get out of the house sooner. It’s not like I’m not awake.

The last few minutes, when I’m deciding whether to get out of the pool or not are so beautiful and melancholic. I often float on my back with basically just my face out of the water staring at the ceiling far away. Listening to muffled sounds. It’s so damn peaceful. I could stay there for hours. I make myself move periodically just so that the lifeguards don’t wonder if I’ve passed out or something. Perhaps because of my fat I am able to float well, but man, if there were olympics for floating, I’d win a gold medal.

I had popcorn last night and feel I may be eating too much. As I mentioned yesterday, I have a real fear that I’ll get on the scale next Sunday to find zero weight loss. That would depress me. I wonder if I should weigh tomorrow just to get an idea? I think I will.

Now and then I allow myself to wonder how I’d dress if I were in the normal size range. I used to think I’d go to J.Jill and spend thousands of dollars but I looked at their website yesterday and felt sort of meh about it. Then I looked at Ann Taylor and thought to myself, YES. Effing yes.

I don’t have a problem dressing “my age” because I consider myself stylishly conservative. The one thing I’m really looking forward to wearing are dresses and skirts. It’s been years! I particularly like shirt dresses and have wondered about learning to sew them. But my mom gave her sewing machine to my daughter and it’s not around, so I probably will not bother.

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