Day of Rest, Day of Dread

Last night I felt so bummed. Between eating poorly and realizing more and more that my husband really is done with me, I was very low.

The movie was great (The American Hustle) but I realized halfway through the popcorn that I should stop eating it, but didn’t. Then we went to a diner my parents like and I knew I should eat healthy, so I’m not sure why I ordered two crepes. The photo made them look like they had fresh strawberries inside, but it tasted almost like strawberry jam, and tons of it; way too sweet.

I got home and knew I would not eat anything else for the rest of the night but I felt as though I had done so much damage. All that work…

When I awoke this morning I really did not want to weigh but I peed and took my p.j. bottoms off and got on the scale. At first it showed 236.6 which is great. But knowing what happened last time I got back on it almost immediately, and it read 239. So, f**k that scale.

I have decided for no good reason, to decide I probably weight 237 and that makes a 30 pound weight loss. We know I’m in the ballpark anyway.

I suppose I should make it my goal for next Sunday for the scale to read (the first time) at 235ish.

Even though I still weigh a lot and have a long way to go, the idea that I will (hopefully in a few weeks) be in the 220’s is amazing to me. What a thrill. And then it will be a race to get below 200, something I haven’t been for well over 10 years.

I’m almost glad I did eat poorly yesterday. That’s the real world. After all, I’m not going to stop having popcorn when I go to the movies (a few times a year); the smell is just too much for me. It feels good and junky and sort of satisfying and I woke up today wanting to really keep my “diet” on track.

I put quotes around “diet” because I’m using the word to describe my way of eating, not a temporary way of eating. I eat a lot of what I want, I just eat small amounts. I don’t eat chocolates or many treats because I can go (way) overboard with them. I know myself and what my weaknesses are.

I am considering having one piece of fudge on Christmas day, but I may not. There’s a lot of fudge in this house.

My mother is terribly stressed and it’s so ridiculous. She tends to freak out about chores and preparation. Even though I am willing to be her slave and do any chore she names she is still over planning.

When my husband’s friend, A, is in town he always puts me last. That could be what he’s doing now, or he is finally ready to cut ties with me. I think it’s both.

Normally he calls me when A leaves down. This time I don’t think that will be the case.

It’s sad that I could have been facing this over two months ago if he had only been honest with me. He may have been trying to let me down easy. I don’t think he even knows.

The truth is this: he is wrong for me. We are not good together. He’s a jerk. I should be glad to be rid of him. At this point his treatment of me has become cruel. I doubt anything can be reconciled now.

I’m hating this so much.

As I’ve mentioned I have dry skin all year, but especially in the winter. Being in the water for over 10 hours a week is not helping. I’ve tried really upping the lotion but I think I’m losing that battle.

I looked online today about what swimmers do with this problem and one thing that came up a few times was coconut oil. I bought some and plan to try it tomorrow. It smells really good anyway! I hope it helps because it’s becoming a real problem for me.

I spent some time on the rec center’s website yesterday, trying to decide again between yoga and tai chi. I kept seeing a teacher’s name over and over again so decided to look him or her up to get an idea of their experience. Turns out he is Asian, but I’m not sure where from, with about 40 years of experience teaching both yoga and tai chi. So I will make sure to take his class(es).

It’s a shame the classes are only one day a week. I’d prefer to go at least twice. I am leaning towards tai chi still so perhaps I could take his regular tai chi for beginners and the tai chi for weight loss as well, if they are offered on two different days. We’ll see.

The only reason I am hesitant to take the tai chi for weight loss class is it might move too slow for me. I could be wrong on that, of course.

What I’ve eaten today:

Hardboiled egg w/ a bit of butter
Half a slice of sourdough w/ a bit of butter
Coffee
Prune

Tiny cup of mixed nuts

Large bowl of corn chowder

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