Merry Christmas

We (my parents and I) had a niece and nephew and their significant others over yesterday for tortilla soup followed by pie.

I ate two pieces of peanut butter fudge and they were ridiculously good. I had a sliver of pumpkin pie but none of the apple pie.

I’m sure I won’t gain weight this week, but don’t think I’ll lose.

I went to the pool yesterday and it was sort of busy because, while there were no classes, the facility shut at 1 p.m.

I had a hard time concentrating because I am very tense and depressed right now, but managed to work out fairly well for over an hour.

My parents bought me a one month gift certificate to the pool which I appreciated, and I bought them a $50 gift card to the local movie house.

Won’t bother to remember what I ate yesterday or what I plan to eat today, but will start back up with that tomorrow.

Make no mistake, I am not showing what I eat to be any sort of inspiration for anyone else. Maybe someday I will have information or advice for other morbidly obese people, but right now I don’t.

I’m pretty certain I’m not eating quite enough in quantity, quality, or perhaps even calories, but this is what I’m eating right now.

I put on a shirt that I last tried on about a week before my husband and I separated. At that time I could not fasten it at all. Now it’s large across the stomach. I almost wish I had measured myself because I think I’ve lost the most weight in that region. Sadly, I was so huge there, that I am still huge there, just not quite as huge.

I have spent quite a bit of time crying yesterday and today and tried to get through to myself that my husband doesn’t want me anymore. Furthermore, he doesn’t even feel any sort of tenderness towards me and it’s so out of character that I am in a state of shock.

We spoke today and he became very terse and argumentative with me. I hung up and pulled the covers up over my face and cried into the pillow. This is the first time in over two months that I feel I need to stay in bed and cry and pout. But I had a terrible headache all last night from the crying yesterday, and I slowly realized that all my crying would not bring him back.

Another instinct I had today was to delete this blog but then I realized that my journey to better health, both physical and mental, has only just begun. To be honest, if I recover from this breakup, it’ll be more of a miracle than losing 100 pounds.

My daughter will be here in two days and she will stay for three days, so that is all I have to look forward to. She’ll be a great distraction and the family will come back over to see her on Saturday for lasagna because she’s the oldest granddaughter and everyone adores her. Especially me.

Right now I absolutely cannot see what my future will be like. If I dwell on it, it would seem very, very bleak so I just can’t dwell on it. There’s no point. It does no good.

All I know is that I will get up every day (except Sundays and holidays) and I will swim as hard as I can. After the first of the year I will take those other classes as well, and start looking for a part time job.

Eventually I’ll get a bit of money from my husband and I have no idea what I’ll do with it. I doubt it will be enough to start a business.

Last time we spoke he said he hates this town and plans to move to where his mother, father, and children move to when they come to the U.S., either Texas or Southern California. I told him his daughters would hate Texas, but I could be wrong. I know I’d hate Texas.

So he’ll be leaving the area and I will probably never see him again. I suppose as hard as that will be, it will get me another step closer to facing this reality, coping with it, and moving on from it.

The only good news is that, as depressed as I feel, the idea of contemplating suicide or anything extreme gets pushed from my mind as quickly as it enters. Those days are past but I do sorely wish I had someone to talk to about all of this.

Only someone who has been through this can remotely understand how difficult it is and what strength it takes.

Starting tomorrow, I promise to limit the husband portion of this blog. It profoundly affects my mood, but I don’t want to rehash it here.

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