Reorganization

Took a couple of days off from blogging because I had to drive to pick my daughter up. Her car broke down and she had arranged three days off and I wasn’t going to let her just stay home (2 hours away) and be sad.

On the last day I wrote here, I finally sent my husband an email saying that I could see there’d be no reconciliation between us and if that is the case we need to start the ugly business of dividing stuff up. I haven’t heard from him since.

At first I felt bad that I sent the email, then I thought, screw it. It had to be done. The thing is, I hate this part. I hate the bickering and fighting over possessions and money. HATE IT. But I’ve got no alternative.

I swam the past two days after Christmas and plan to go this morning as well since Sunday is no pool day. I was frustrated yesterday, because as I got into the deep pool to warm up, a nice older woman came to yack my head off. I’ve spoken to her quite a few times, but I do my best to get the pleasantries out of the way and then move off to my corner. But since I was the only other person in the pool she kept following me. Finally I saw there was a lane open in the lap pool and I excused myself. She even said, “Oh you just want to get away from me.” And she was right, but geez, if you know you’re annoying someone, stop annoying them!

So I went to the lap pool and because I’m working harder there I don’t last quite as long. I was there for over 30 minutes and felt the pressure of people standing there who wanted a lane, plus I had been kicked twice, once by a high school student and once by my lane partner and I really don’t like that. Am I the only one who can recall what it’s like to be kicked in the stomach and have the wind knocked out of you? That’s what I fear. But so far I’ve been kicked in the bum and the foot.

I saw that the older woman was still in the deep pool so I went over reluctantly. She had been talking to the lifeguard almost the whole time I was out of the pool. I snuck in behind her hopping she would not notice me, but within a minute she came over. My back was to her and I was doing these sitting scissor kicks and I was counting to 50. So when she started yakking, I turned to her and put my fingers to my lips and said, “twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six…” And she got the picture and said goodbye. My god. I just want to have a hard workout. That’s all I want.

Well, I weighed just a few moments ago and the scale said 234.6. My scale has been wonky and I was afraid to get back on it in fear it would go up two pounds as it has been doing. For now I guess I’ll round to 235 pounds, which means I’ve probably lost two pounds this week, and am at a 32 pound weight loss overall. I think. I wish this scale was more reliable.

I hope that I have legitimately lost two pounds this week, which would be fairly amazing for Christmas week, but the truth is, I’m not eating all that much so it could be accurate.

Last night I spent a couple of hours moving my posts from Tumblr to this Word Press blog. Someday, when I get some readers, I want them to be able to leave comments! I’m not always sure what to put here, and don’t want to get carried away with my marital problems, but, dear nonexistent readers, you need to know that in times past, when things were awful, I’d eat bottles of pills and end up in the psych ward. I’m not doing that now. I’m swimming. I’m putting one foot in front of the other. I have plans for myself.

Don’t get me wrong, my future is totally unclear, but I plan to continue losing weight, continue being very active and in fact becoming more active. I plan to make a friend or two and hopefully get a part time job.

I have a very tough road ahead of me with my divorce. I hate even saying it. I really tried to convince him to give me another chance. The truth is that I do deserve another chance, but something clicked in him and he is no longer the person I once knew. I can’t seem to reach him — something I could have never predicted. He’s lost to me.

I don’t want to be 56 and single, I’ll be honest, I really don’t. My husband is making plans without me and without considering me, and he’ll probably end up with his kids and parents either in So. California or Texas, they are moving from London and don’t want to live in the Pacific Northwest which has London-ish weather. Can’t blame them, really.

I moved away from Southern California over 25 years ago and have regretted it for many years now. Sadly, the California I knew is now long gone, and I am used to a slower pace of life here in Oregon. The sun used to fry my pale skin. The traffic was so bad. I am not sure I could re-adjust to California again, no matter how sad that makes me. Still, if he asked me to move there with him, I’d consider it.

The problem is my dad is ill and my parents are going to need me. At this point in my life I’m not sure what help I can be, but I hope to be able to step up when the time comes. Thinking of my aging parents makes me incredibly sad, so I have to stop.

I’ve got to stop making this post a total downer. I’m looking forward to my swim this morning and to spending the rest of the day with my daughter. We are making lasagna later and two of her cousins are joining us so that will be nice too. I lost two pounds and am creeping slowly to the 220s. My bra is almost no use right now — I’m just not filling out the cup anymore. It really feels good to be smaller.

Even with this small weight loss and so far to go on my weight loss and fitness journey, I feel so much better it’s incredible. I already feel as though I can look people in the eye and not feel so much shame. Shame that I didn’t even realize was part of my daily life. I started gaining weight in my early thirties and in the beginning I really lashed out and freaked out about my changing body, but then I must have accepted it and gave up the battle.

For the first thirty years of my life I was a pretty young woman and I learned how to keep men at arm’s length because they all seemed to want a piece of me. I won’t be having that issue in the future so I’m free to just be myself and make the most out of life.

Divorce aside, I can’t wait to see what my future will bring.

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