Muscle Memory, Heart Memory

Today, Sunday, I realized that I weighed too soon. I weighed on Saturday instead of Sunday. I don’t care. That scale isn’t accurate enough for me to worry about one day.

Yesterday I ate more than usual in the evening. Chips with guacamole, small serving of homemade lasagna, sliver of cheesecake with a bit of homemade raspberry sauce on it, coffee. I felt uncomfortable for the rest of the night; not used to eating bigger meals and don’t feel like doing it again today.

It’s so odd that being empty or even hungry was so painful in my past weight loss attempts, but now I prefer that feeling over fullness. Hope that lasts.

My swimming experience was good yesterday. I spent over 20 minutes exercising in the deep pool, then a good 30 minutes doing laps. I rarely rest more than five seconds between laps, but if I feel super winded, I do an easy lap back to regain my breath.

I try to concentrate mostly on breathing on alternate sides and although yesterday was only my third day of practice, I can see that I am making strides. I swallowed less water but I can tell that I spend a tad longer when I breathe on the left side rather than on the right side. I don’t have the muscle memory yet for it to feel natural so it’s not as smooth a movement as it is on my right.

There are other things to concentrate on too, like exactly when to turn my head, how far to turn it (and my body), and how much of a breath to take. I try to pay close attention to what I do totally naturally on my right side and do that on my left side.

I read about people who practice the Total Immersion method of swimming and they talk about leading with the hip and I completely understand that when I’m in the water, at least I think I do. It’s amazing to me that you can learn about swimming techniques by reading about them, but you can.

I am still working a bit too hard at my stroke and after two laps am fairly winded, but I can now do three or even four freestyle strokes before I have to change to an easier stroke. I have to force myself to do a very controlled slow lap and then I do much better.

I got back into the deep pool and spent 15-20 minutes there doing ab stuff, other strength stuff, and stretching. For some reason I am sore today and I’m not sure why. That’s ok. I don’t mind being reminded of my body and maybe it means I worked out a slightly different way which is good too.

Everyday that I am in the pool I realize how wonderful it is to be able to get a total body workout in the water. Stretching, plenty of resistance, aerobic, it’s all there.

I have a new Twitter account for this blog and yesterday someone retweeted a post by swimming writer Mike Gustafson and it was so poignant and beautifully written I retweeted it and will add it here. Hope you can read it (click on it to enlarge):


I have not heard from my husband since I sent him the “ok, I give up” email. I hate that we have now embarked on the awful side of separation/divorce. I don’t feel like fighting with him, I just want him to be fair.

I still wear my wedding band because I like it and don’t know what else to put on that finger since I have sold almost all my jewelry to get by. Interestingly, I have not been wearing anything but the wedding band because I got tired of taking off my earrings and necklace every time I swam. I used to feel so naked without the jewelry but now I don’t care. Same with makeup. I am not bothering to use it very often but I did buy some Aveeno lotion with some foundation in it and that seems to work fairly well for me to even out my pinkness.

Those things don’t mean a whole lot right now and to be honest it’s saving me money. I do think I look a little better with some makeup on since my features are small and I am so pale.

Since I am known for running from one relationship to another I am glad I can’t right now. I am too ashamed at being so big and don’t feel that I would be attracted to the sort of man who might be attracted to me right now.

Instead I want to focus on fitness and weight loss and trying new activities. Perhaps in another 30-50 pounds I’ll feel like putting myself out there; in the meantime it’s just a nice break for me. I have made so many relationship mistakes and I need to slow down and just get to know myself.

I miss my husband and feel I still love him. If he started pursuing me I might cave in and go back to him, but that’s highly unlikely and deep inside I know we will be better off apart. It’s so heartbreaking.

I barely make enough money to get through the month so I’m wondering how I can retain an attorney, let alone save for the bike I want. I just have to be frugal and do what I can.

Today will be spent driving my daughter back home and I look forward to two hours in the car with her to visit. It was such a short stay!

And tomorrow I’ll be back in the pool where I am the most fulfilled and able to not think about my troubles for a couple of hours.


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