As you know, today is Weighday, my least favorite day of the week because I weigh myself and because the pool is closed. Couldn’t go to the pool anyway since I’m under the weather.
I was not surprised when I got on the scale this morning and it read 233.7 because, as I said yesterday, I ate weird this week. Still, I didn’t eat that many calories, I just didn’t eat healthy foods, or I skipped meals. And last night I hate popcorn with real butter on it for dinner and that’s almost zero nutrients.
I’m rounding up my weight for today to 234, which means I lost 1 pound this week, the lowest amount I have lost since my new life began back in mid October.
To be honest, it doesn’t bother me as much as you’d think it would because my mother’s scale is odd, because I feel constipated (weird considering all the prunes I eat), and because I’m profoundly depressed about my husband.
When I told him last week I was going to consult an attorney he had two reactions. First he called me lots of names, and second he became warmer to me and began calling me once a day to say nothing at all. I am very naive and sometimes I’m paranoid, but I feel that he’s simply trying to string me along until he can leave the state or country. He has control of our assets and I am at his mercy.
Every time he calls me I feel hopeful and I think perhaps the man I knew is coming back. Then I realize he really doesn’t care for me or about me and that he’s probably lying to me. My husband can be terribly loyal to you if you’re in his inner circle, if you’re not then you’re likely to get screwed. I’m no longer in the circle. That’s all I can say about him or I’ll be saying too much.
I will say that it’s very unfortunate that I am not feeling well at this time when I really, really need to exercise to keep my sanity. No matter what I will go swim tomorrow morning, and tomorrow night I will try out one of the yoga classes. I’m eager to start mixing up my physical activity.
I have also noticed that I am prone to snapping at my mother when I am upset about my husband and I am trying to be very, very aware of that since it’s not her fault. When I realize my circumstances, broke and living with my parents at 56, I feel pretty hopeless.
And, as bad as I feel I will NOT let anything stop me from exercising and reaching my goals. It appears that I really will have to get on with my life without my husband and somehow I’ll figure out how to do that.
I see my psychiatric nurse practitioner this week and will again ask him to try to help me to find a therapist to speak to. It has been hard for me to find one with my limited insurance. And speaking of psychiatry, perhaps it’s time I speak briefly about antidepressants and weight gain.
When I moved to Oregon more than 20 years ago and I began to gain weight and become depressed I began a very long journey into the world of psychiatrists, therapists, pharmaceutical drugs, hospital stays, suicide attempts, and more that I just can’t talk about. The short story is that nothing helped me and I continued to get worse and worse until my good marriage to my best friend fizzled away, the biggest regret of my life.
Psychiatric drugs generally make you gain weight, this is no secret, and I tried all of them at high doses. Eventually I couldn’t work anymore and I became even more sedentary. The more weight I gained, the more I despised myself.
Suffice it to say that, while I was a troubled person and at times I still am, the main thing that happened during all that time was that I paid for my psychiatrist’s vacations to tropical islands twice a year. But as for me, there was no improvement. Ever. Sometimes I wish that someone would have shaken my by the shoulders and screamed, “Snap out of it!” But alas, I had to do that to myself after great loss.
The only thing that helped me is that I realized I had yet another marriage crumbling and finally I was able to see what I did to cause the breakdown. I’m not saying I was the only one to blame because I was not. But I faced myself and I was ashamed and, well, horrified at what I saw. I could no longer afford to behave that way and I needed to reprogram myself no matter what happened with this marriage.
I am on an antidepressant now, Wellbutrin, but this is one of the few antidepressants which is not known to cause weight gain. To be honest I have no idea if it’s helping me at all, but I feel that for now I should not make any changes that might tip me in the wrong direction. I am balancing precariously.
In the course of watching this last marriage crumble I have realized that I no longer want to let anxiety, depression, and knee jerk reactions rule my life. I also know that no decent person would want to be with someone as high strung and miserable as I was. So, I may feel depressed or anxious now, but I no longer react to it the way I always have, with anger, with going to bed, with other extreme measures. I am simply acknowledging it, realizing it won’t kill me, and eagerly awaiting the next time I can get into the pool and utterly wear myself out.
I am no expert, but it’s my humble opinion that there are many more fat Americans than there should be simply because so many of them are on antidepressants. This is a serious side effect and it should be dealt with. Becoming fatter simply adds to our problems. A lot.
So, I’ve lost 33 pounds in about 13 weeks but I still have 70+ to go. While I feel great and can see a difference, this is no time to ease up on my routine or goals. I want to lose at least two pounds a week and that is what I will strive for.
For today, I’ll lounge around and drink hot beverages so that my body can attack whatever bug I’m battling. But tomorrow will again be the first day of the rest of my journey.
Starting weight: 267
Today’s weight: 234
Total weight loss to date: 33 pounds
Goal weight: about 160
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