Today I went to see my psychiatric nurse practitioner for the first time in four weeks. He’s the only person I have to talk to about my problems and challenges, and I only have 30 minutes with him. Still, I’m grateful for the time I do have.
It was good to see that his scale and my mother’s scale are in sync. Tomorrow I go to see my regular physician and will compare her scale as well. My nurse practitioner showed me a chart of my weight since 2011 and it’s pretty amazing. A steady climb from about 240 to almost 270 in mid to late October and then bam, down to the 232 I am today. He’s amazed at how determined I am and so am I. The only good thing I do for myself is my diet and exercise program, other than that I am lost and don’t know what I want.
He asked me how things were going with my husband and I said they are not going at all. I told him it’s as though I’m hoping that, by the time my husband says he wants to be with me I will have decided that I can live without him. I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know what I want to happen. For now I’ll just swim and practice yoga and try to eat right.
I’ve decided since a bike is so spendy to save for some hiking boots. I can use them more often too. It’d be nice to have a friend to hike with but I’ll try to make myself go on my own. I’d like to say maybe I’ll meet someone there, but let’s face it, I’m just not that friendly. I don’t know how to make small talk and I can’t tell who might like to talk to me and who wouldn’t so I assume they wouldn’t want to to be on the safe side. And if the person I’m with doesn’t challenge me, then I don’t want to waste my time walking with them anyway. Yes, I need a friend, but the workout is the thing right now!
Today after swimming I came home and spent some extra time on myself, dried my hair, moisturized all over, and put make up on because my husband said he wanted to see me today. When I was done at the nurse practitioner’s office I texted him and he called me. He was “busy” with a friend. Anyone and everyone has precedence over me and for this reason alone, I should move on and leave my husband in the past.
I was angry for a few minutes and I felt a desire to go spend money I don’t have. I drove around and around not sure of where to go or what to do. Finally I went in to TJMax to see if they had any XL yoga pants and they do, but I didn’t have the desire to try anything on. Finally I just drove home, feeling like an idiot with my lipstick and pearl necklace on.
My workout was surprisingly good today. I got to the pool at 10:25 and the aerobics class was going to start in the deep pool at 10:30, so I just bypassed that pool and went right into the lap pool. Man, it seemed cold for a few minutes and I’m not used to getting into that pool without being warmed up, but it only took one slow lap for me to forget about the temperature.
I decided not to look at the clock since I knew I could not go into the deep pool until the class ended at 11:15. I really challenged myself to do more freestyle and keep working on that damed alternate breathing. When I finally looked at the clock, fearful of how much more I “had” to swim, I saw that it was already 11:12. The time just flew! I did one more lap then left that pool for the deep one.
My nurse practitioner is fit (he rides his bike to work) and he spoke to me about plateaus and I said I was prepared for them but hoped I wouldn’t see much of them until I got below 200. We talked about how mixing up your physical activities is important with plateaus. The body gets used to the same old routine and it doesn’t challenge it in the same way.
I’ve already decided that from now on I want to try to spend 60 minutes in the lap pool. I’m a bit apprehensive but feel that I can probably do it.
I was describing to him what I do in the deep pool and he seemed kind of amazed. He asked me if I made up the stuff I do and I said, well, some of it. I try to recreate in the water what people do on land and if it burns or is difficult then I know it’s “something” and do it more and more. I told him that my combination of laps and water calisthenics is my way of achieving an aerobic and weight lifting workout in the water.
To my surprise the deep pool had about five people in it when I went there today. I hope it doesn’t start getting crowded in that pool, I’ve been incredibly spoiled that I often have it all to myself.
So I had what was for me a pretty huge disappointment and yet I didn’t do anything rash about it and now I feel fine. This must be what it’s like to be more mature and to be kinder to oneself.
I won’t see my psychiatric nurse practitioner now for two months. I hope that when I see him I am at least 15 pounds lighter. Crossing fingers.