Today was another rough day, but I attempted to make the most of it.
My workout was good. Sixty minutes of laps and 30 mins in the deep pool. My right shoulder was a bit sore when I got in, but it felt better after a few laps. I have to be careful not to hurt myself. I’d be pretty mad at myself if I had to take time off from swimming due to an injury I caused. I’m sure the tenderness was because I’m doing much more of the front crawl than I ever have before.
When I was done swimming I came home, dried my hair, put on some makeup and hoped my husband would want to see me. I went to Macy’s to buy some pants I had my eye on that were now 50% off. When I got back into the car I texted him that it would be so nice to see him. He replied that he was at the store.
I pulled the car up to a spot in the parking lot where I can watch the river go by and I sat there and stared at it. It hurts more than I can say that my husband would rather do anything than see me. I’m still in such denial and shock over it.
I shed a few tears and then a car pulled up beside me. I didn’t want anyone to think I was there for weird reasons and so I left. When I was almost at my parent’s house I decided to go see the 2nd Hobbit movie; I just couldn’t face an entire day in my depressed condition. #iheartsmaug
So, yay, me, it’s a few hours later and I’m still alive. Sometimes it’s one minute at a time, not one day at a time.
I really didn’t want to try clothes on at the store. No fat woman does. But I just didn’t know what my true size was so I forced myself. Interestingly, clothes fit me in an odd way now; I’m not sure why. If they fit in the waist the hips and bum were too loose. I just bought a pair of tight leggings instead and called it a day. The amazing part is I ended up leaving with a 1x. And one pair of jeans I tried on that fit odd was a 20. I could tell I was on the verge of size 18, at least in fairly stretchy pants.
I stared at myself in the mirror to try to actually see myself and it is hard when your eye just jumps to one conclusion, “Fat.” But it’s not that simple. I certainly look taller. I have a neck. My breasts are shrinking. I’m still a big woman but a transformation is definitely taking place.
With my tight budget and hatred of shopping, it’ll be a month before I go back and try to buy something else, but I know that there will be a difference then, and the month after that, etc. I am on my way.
I hope at the very least that I’m an example of how a person can work on change, improvement, better health, fitness, or whatever, even while their life is messed up and they are stressed out. Turns out you don’t have to wait until things are calm or perfect to embark on your own journey.
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