Weight Loss Guilt and a bit about the Cross Country Ski Movement

I’m not sure how to approach this post today, which is Weighday. I’m confused because I got on the scale today and it said 225.5 and I knew that was too much weight to lose in one week. I stepped on it again and it read 226.5 and then stopped myself from getting on it again.

Rather than think I lost too much weight this week, I will say that I probably lost about a pound more last week, but the scale didn’t reflect that. As I’ve said before, there are so many factors that can influence what the scale shows (fluid retention, bowels) that you can only look at that downward trend and call it a day.

So, I suppose for the sake of a Sunday weight, I’ll go with 227 to be on the safe side which means today is the day I got to the 40 pound weight loss mark. Congratulations to me. Also, I’m in the 220s for the first time since forever. I honestly don’t know how long.

It’s funny because last night I just felt I hadn’t lost anything this week and when I stepped on the scale today I was holding my breath and just praying to see 230 or 229. Don’t get me wrong, of course I’m delighted I’ve lost weight since I work hard at it, I just need to make certain that I am also eating healthfully.

Because of the drama happening in my life due to my separation, I often don’t have an appetite. In these three months I have come to really dislike the feeling of being too full, and I have come to enjoy the feeling of moderate hunger, which is completely new to me. In the past I have felt that I didn’t have the capacity to withstand the feeling of hunger.

I don’t deprive myself of much, I just have really small quantities. This week, for example I had two slices of pizza, spaghetti with brown butter and mizithra cheese, mushroom toast, and a whole lot more. I often have a couple of squares of dark chocolate after dinner.

When I got home from working out yesterday, I just drank a meal replacement protein drink, but also a packet of string cheese. I know it’s not considered health food, but it’s better than being too seized up to eat at all.

I like to think I won’t ever be eating differently than I am today, but perhaps I am kidding myself. Perhaps this is all due to the fact that I am stressed and depressed and want to be back with my husband. If I’m not careful, I could end up with anorexia which would be horrible news because I can’t imagine I’d have enough stamina to exercise. And I type “anorexia” with some embarrassment since it is considered a young woman’s illness, but I have heard it happens to older women too.

I think I’m making too much of this and I just need to relax and be happy that I’ve reached a goal, the 40 lb weight loss.

This must be “a thing” as they say. A thing of me feeling guilty that my efforts have paid off. Not being able to accept that this is due to my own hard work.

Ok, enough of that. I want to change the subject entirely and attempt to speak about my go-to move in the deep pool, the cross country ski movement.

When I ease into the deep pool to warm up I wear one of those waist belts which are often called aqua joggers and are always used in deep water aerobics. I immediately begin to make all the movements I will do later, after I’m warmed up, but with much less intensity and less range of motion. I move very gently.

It doesn’t take long to get warmed up, in fact I often feel warmed up in less than five minutes, but it is important to start slowly so that I don’t harm myself.

As I move about, I simply begin to give those movements more intensity and more range of motion and the movement that has the most versatility is the cross country ski movement. It works the legs primarily, but also warms up the arms.

I start first doing the move “properly” meaning I am as straight up and down in the water as I can be. My head is over my neck, my neck is over my shoulders, and I’m not leaning forward or backward.

In this position I generally flex my toes a bit because it gives me a better workout, but I urge anyone doing this to always try your movements with a flexed and pointed toe so that you can see which muscles are being used and to do more of the one that feels like a challenge to you.

My legs are straight(ish), but my knees are not locked, and my arms move in the cross country ski fashion on opposite legs. We are almost weightless in the water, so I don’t feel as though I’m necessarily lifting my leg as much as I am pushing through the water. The water is what I am working against. The water is giving me the workout.

At the beginning, my legs are moving a couple of feet apart (distance between front foot and back foot), but as I warm up I begin to increase that space. I concentrate on the feet being fairly flexed because when my toes are pointed in this movement, I often feel it’s too easy. Also doing too many exercises with your toes pointed can lead to muscle cramps in the calves.

This is a challenging movement in itself, and sometimes my body wants me to stop it much sooner than I’d like to, that is why I generally count to something so that I don’t forget that I’m trying to built strength with this movement and not simply change to something easier.

When I am ready to mix it up, however, I lean slightly back and then the movement of my legs changes. My lower leg now goes as straight down as I can go, and my upper leg now goes higher. Not too high at first, so that you don’t pull anything. Work your way up and ease into bringing that upper leg up as high as you can and the bottom leg as straight down as you can. Count to 25 or 50 or whatever, to challenge yourself.

Go back to the normal, straight up and down cross country ski movement for so many counts and then lean forward slightly and work your legs from behind you.

Now your lower leg is as straight down as you can make it, but your upper leg goes out behind you. In this position you find yourself naturally pointing your toes. Go with that, but also try to mix it up with flexed toes as well. You can easily feel that this slight change of movement is working very different muscles than the other two movements.

So with this one movement you can warm up and you can perform it straight up and down, leaning slightly forward, or leaning slightly back. You can also do a “traveling” movement by leaning slightly forward and allowing yourself to move across the pool. I like this because you tell yourself you must get to the other side.

There are other movements, also, that you can do with your arms. I like mixing it up and trying whatever feels challenging but also natural when I’m in the different positions.

By now you know that after I’ve warmed up or had a mini workout I go and do laps in the lap pool, but when I come back to the deep pool after that, I come in with the waist belt and the buoys which look like dumbbells. By now I feel strong and exhausted and I get a real arm workout by holding the buoys in my hands as I make the cross country ski movement.

Whatever you do, pay attention to how many counts you can do. That way the next time you can do at least that much or increase it.

There are many other moves I do in the deep pool, but this is the most versatile one. You can get into a zone if you’re not busy chatting with someone, and really get a powerful workout if you want to.

Finally, I’ll end today to report that I finally did order a new bathing suit. I pray to god it fits because my old Speedo is not only decaying, it has lost the latex part in the front layer and the material now just floats about in the water. I don’t need that sort of drag!

I bought my new suit at Swim Outlet and I threw in a swimming cap in order not to pay for shipping. The suit is called the Speedo Solid Endurance Super Proback Adult. It was one of two Speedo suits available on the site in size 44, their largest size.


It’s mildly annoying that manufacturers don’t feel I deserve a variety of styles to choose from, but I probably would have selected a solid suit like this anyway, but perhaps in a more lively color. In time I’ll be able to order from the huge selection of suits for average sized people and when that time comes, I’ll buy some fun styles.

Starting weight: 267 (mid October 2013)
Today’s weight: 227
Total weight loss to date: 40 pounds
Height: 5’8″
Goal weight: about 160

I’d love to hear your comments about weight loss guilt, if such a thing exists. Also, please follow me on Twitter @movingliquid1


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