Exercising when you don’t feel like it and thoughts about regret

I got a good night’s sleep, a fairly rare thing. I think I probably slept from 10:30 pm to about 7:30 a.m., which is an unheard of amount of sleep for me.

But I did wake up feeling crummy. Post nasal drip. Ear hurting. Generally poopy.

I considered not going to the pool, but just put myself on automatic feeling that if I just did it, I would probably not regret it.

I was a bit dismayed when I got there because my timing was off. The deep water aerobics class was in session. The lap pool was really crowded because it is Martin Luther King Jr. Day and the local high school swim team was doing something there.

I did try to warm up in the aerobics pool but after only ten minutes went to get myself a lane. I shared the lane now and then, but overall I got lucky and kept it to myself most of the time.

I do fear that if I stay home once, I’ll stay home twice, then more often. I fear that my routine will quickly crumble if I don’t do everything I can to stick with it. I guess this shows I still have insecurities about my exercise program.

But it’s a lot like the reason I don’t go into my dad’s room and steal a handful of the Whoppers he’s got on his dresser. One handful of Whoppers could easily turn into the whole carton. Some temptations shouldn’t be messed with.

I love milk chocolate, for example, but I don’t really treat myself to it right now. If I must have chocolate, I go for the less sweet, less creamy dark chocolate bars, and I take only a couple of squares. It’s not as tempting to me. I don’t fear having it around.

But I do worry that if I miss a day of exercise due to feeling a bit punk, that it might snowball into more days a week where I do not swim. Pretty soon it has become a random activity and pretty soon I’ve stopped it completely and pretty soon I’m eating like a pig because I feel bad about myself.

Ugh.

I’m glad I went even though I didn’t feel great during the workout. But I’m no worse for wear at having done it. Funny enough I ended up swimming an hour in the lap pool and almost 45 minutes in the deep pool. By the end I was in no hurry to get out. Now I feel relaxed and rubbery and content.

I think because I had a lot of sleep I wasn’t as anxious as I have been lately. But in the pool I was thinking quite a bit about my husband and our situation and couldn’t really get him out of my mind for very long.

My mom called me from Costco and told me they have all sorts of Speedos (up to size 18) for $19.99. I told her I’d go back with her later this week to check them out. Quite a deal.

I went to the DSW website today and ordered some Adidas sandals which were on sale. I used a $10 credit I had and the purchase came to only $17 something including shipping. Those pool sandals can be up to $35 in the stores. I like the color, too. The flip flops I use are chintzy and I struggle to get them on when I get out of the pool.

adidas1

When I was doing laps I saw a woman in the lane next to me doing a butterfly kick on her back, with the paddle board behind her head. I tried it several times, working it into my “set” and can tell that, yes, it is a real stomach burner. It’s fun to add to my repertoire and I continued to use that movement in the deep pool to come up with an in-place exercise using the butterfly kick as well.

Adding new things, or mastering difficult moves helps to keep the workout interesting. I think I’ll watch some videos of people doing the butterfly kick so that I can see if I’m doing it at all correctly. For now I’m just doing what my body is telling me I should do, but I could be doing it wrong.

I had a realization that is new to me today. I imagined myself at a normal weight but never really feeling like a normal weight person in the same way an alcoholic, years after they conquer their addiction, still feel a bit odd at parties where everyone is drinking. I’m sure I’m not making myself clear, but I have a feeling that when I do get into maintenance mode, it’ll be important for me to look at myself for as long as it takes, as a person in recovery.

Perhaps as the years go by I will forget that I ate too much and was morbidly obese, but I doubt it. Perhaps it’s good that I never forget so that I always eat the way I am eating now, not depriving myself of too much, just really watching portion sizes.

Losing weight is difficult, but maintaining a weight loss is very hard, for me anyway. I haven’t even lost it all and here I am worrying about keeping it off. Still, it’s good to have a plan and not be caught off guard. I don’t want to be fat again/anymore.

When I saw my husband a few days ago he did say something about how I had “let myself go” and it was the first time he mentioned it. I was big when I met him and he always said he loved it, but I think I took it too far, especially since it began to hamper every aspect of our lives, including in bed. Our lives were so incredibly stressful that I just ate and ate to deal with the anxiety. He might like big women, but not that big.

I don’t know what I weighed when I met him in 2006, but it was probably close to what I weigh now.

I wish so much that I had woken up to all the things I was doing wrong before it was too late. I could have been a kinder, gentler person, I could have put myself on a diet and exercise program, but instead I let all of life overwhelm me and make everyone else miserable too. What a waste of years of my life. And now it might be too late to make it right. I want so badly to have another chance.

Ah, I see it’s called the Dolphin Kick:

Here some master swimmers use fins for their dolphin kick workout:

This video is great. I also just realized my stomach muscles are hurting from today’s workout:

I’d love to hear about how easy or difficult it is for you to exercise when you don’t feel like it. Or about your success with the dolphin kick, or anything else you’d like to share. Please comment below. And please follow me on Twitter @movingliquid1

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