Becoming fit is an amazing process. I’m still so shocked at how quickly I began to feel the benefits of swimming. Even after a mere ten pound weight loss I felt taller and stronger and had more energy.
I’m at a stage in my fitness where I am noticing that certain things are no longer hard for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a long way from being an athlete, and a long way from being the weight I should be. But the progress is there, and it’s very obvious. It’s feels fantastic.
Swimming is unique, I feel, from other activities. I mean take today for example. I have been going right into the lap pool these days and spending an hour there. Then I spent 30 minutes in the deep pool. I know I should get out of the pool and get on with my day, but even while I am putting my feet into my flip flops and walking with my bag to the showers I feel like throwing them down and running into the water again.
What other sport can you say that about?
I wanted to run back in because the water is so comforting and so beautiful and so enveloping. The water, to me, is love. I want to run back for another kiss.
I never thought I’d feel so utterly devoted to a physical activity. I’m absolutely hooked.
I know I’ll do other activities. I plan to go hiking and we’ve had two sunny days now so I know I’ll enjoy that at some point because nature, too, is calling to me. But I hope that I always swim. I really do.
Neither my new suit or new pool sandals have arrived yet and as badly as I need that suit, I’m looking at my old one with such affection. It looks horrible, I mean, really really horrible. But I think I’ll keep it to remind myself of how I began to turn my life around.
When I sat with my new counselor yesterday she talked about the things they know can help us with depression. Things like, eating well, sleeping well, exercise, friends, etc. I realized I was already doing many things that will help me to feel better. I am already well underway in my journey, I just need her because I am so alone.
Today my husband and I spoke kindly to one another. I can tell he feels affection for me and is sorry things did not work out. We still fall into a blame game from time to time, but then I stop and redirect the conversation. There’s no point in blaming at this point.
When I first began my laps today I was filled with sadness and anger thinking about my husband’s new girlfriend. Old tapes from my youth came back to me as I began to think, oh she’s petite, of course she’s petite. I am 5’8″ so petite is something I’ve never been. I’ll bet she’s got pretty brown hair and brown eyes. In other words she’s the opposite of me.
It took several laps for me to get to the “It just doesn’t matter” part, but I eventually got there. I don’t blame her that my husband decided to find love elsewhere. It doesn’t matter if she’s 20 or skinny. It just doesn’t matter. Our marriage is over and it’s time to move on. No amount of negative thought on my part will make the situation better and will only make me feel worse.
It was so bittersweet talking to him today because it did not have to come to this. We could have made it if we had just hung in a bit longer. At 56 I can’t fathom turning anyone’s head, so I guess if I ever have another lover it’ll be because he really loves the real me. I have to put thoughts of future men out of my mind because it’s utterly inconceivable to me at this point.
After all I’ve been through, I’m still not bitter and I’m not a man hater. I never have been. I’m a bit broken, I’m hurt, and I’m going to be extremely cautious, but I am capable of loving and being loved.
For now, though, it’s a relief to not delve into that. I have only two goals in my near future: 1.) continuing to swim and lose weight, and 2.) starting my own business and helping to save my family.
My family are good, hardworking people but due to weird circumstances our lives are not as we all expected. My sister needs saving. She needs to get out of Louisiana and be with the rest of her family here in Oregon. My father is ill and whenever he is no longer with us, my mother will not be able to afford the house. I have to prepare for that. Saving my sister, my mother, and myself.
My brother is the college graduate in the family and he’s done very well for himself, but due to his own divorce and then having his company go bankrupt, he is now a stay at home dad to a newborn baby (at 58!). So we have his moral support, but he can’t help anyone either.
I have to be the impetus. I have to save my family. I will save my family.
I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again, don’t wait for anything to be better or perfect before you begin to change your own life. You can eat better, you can exercise, you can lose weight, you can stop drinking, you can do anything. You only have to begin. Once you begin you’ll see that the activity itself is contributing to your healing.
Thanks to anyone who reads this blog and to those few who “like” it. You can’t imagine how much I appreciate you.