Last night I sat on my exercise ball switching TV channels taking deep breaths and trying to change the image in my mind the moment I began thinking of my husband with another woman.
Eventually I went to bed and even though I woke up a couple of times with bad dreams about him, I managed to sleep fairly well until 7:30. I guess it’s a small victory — I got a little sleep.
When the image comes into my head (a really cruel joke on humans) I take that long deep breath, sit tall and straight, and immediately envision myself a year from now. I’m slender. I’m well dressed. I’m dignified. I’m with a man who is active, intelligent, and interesting. My life will go on no matter how it feels it won’t at this moment.
In spite of everything and in spite of all my faults, I have enough confidence to know that many men would be lucky to have me. It helps to have those feelings now and then since feeling the opposite is so much easier and more frequent.
I doubt if anyone who has the potential to cheat will be reading this blog, but if you are, please know how much it hurts your partner. You just can’t imagine. If you want to experience another man or woman, please leave your partner in the most respectful way you can — you owe it to them. Don’t hurt them twice. It’s not fair and they don’t deserve it. If you ever believed in your marriage and relationship, honor it by leaving your partner before you cheat.
Off the bandwagon now.
Today is Weighday, a day I normally dread, but I didn’t really care that much today when I went to get on the scale. I knew there would be some loss.
The scale read 222.5 and I’ll keep the .5 although I usually just round my weight up. When I round up, however, I realized it just makes it look like I lost more weight the next week, so I’ll round to the nearest half pound.
I think that’s close to a 3 pound loss in a week and a total of 44.5 pounds. “They” say you should not lose more than a couple of pounds a week, but I’m glad I lost a bit more. It’s not surprising considering the week I’ve had. It actually takes a lot of strength to eat at all and to make those food choices as healthy as I’m able to.
I doubt I will get to 219 next Sunday, but I can hardly believe I’m that close to being in the teens. That means the 90s are right around the corner. When I get under that cursed 200 lb mark, I will really feel as though I’m in the home stretch.
When I was a teenager my brother took delight in teasing me and calling me “180 pounder.” I’m not sure why since I was slender 135 pounder but oh how it hurt, and oh how I thought that 180 pounds was enormous. Obviously it is more than I should weigh, but having been 267, 180 sounds downright lightweight to me now.
I watched many videos on swim stroke technique yesterday because I really am not sure how bad or good of a swimmer I am. Looking at the videos I think I can see that I’m above average for a person who only had swim lessons in high school. I’m also lucky that being tall, my long arms really do give me an advantage over smaller people.
That said, I’m still a slow swimmer and I think beginning this week I will time myself doing a lap here and there and work on challenging myself more during each session. I can now swim laps fairly easily for 60 minutes and so now I need to make that work out even more challenging within that time.
I’ve decided that my next investment will be a pair of mid-weight hiking boots so that I can enjoy some local hiking. I’ve never hiked alone in my life before, but I had never gone to movies alone before either!
I used to run a lovely website for young teens and while running that website I came across a young teen whose mission is to help kids who are suffering from “nature deficit disorder.” I feel that I’ve had a bit of that myself these last several years. It is impossible to be stressed while walking through a perfumy old growth forest or walking the trail down to Crater Lake.
One of the biggest perks to living in the Pacific Northwest is the amazing natural beauty which is never far away. I’ve really missed it and can’t wait to re-discover it.
We’ve had quite a cold and grey Winter so far, but Spring feels like it’s right around the corner.
The human spirit is amazing, isn’t it? As low as I feel, as betrayed and hurt, and broke as I am, I am still able to imagine a future with beauty, fun, activity, and even love in it.
Starting weight: 267 (mid October 2013)
Today’s weight: 222.5
Total weight loss to date: 44.5 pounds
Goal weight: about 150
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