I began to take action to finally move on with my life and of course — I guess it’s Murphy’s Law — my husband called to tell me he loved me and always has.
I knew that he loved me, I just could not figure out why he forgot.
I don’t know what has caused him to have this extremely sudden change of heart, but from now on my life will get more “interesting” and I will do my best to share less and less of it here. Our relationship is dysfunctional yet I adore him and have only wanted to be with him. We’ll see if that will happen or not.
As far as trust and all that stuff, what’s bothering me more than his indiscretion is the way he discarded me and hurt me. I may never know why he did discard me and why he suddenly wants me back. I only need to focus on what is right for us. I also have the extreme burden of knowing my entire family will be mad at me if I go back to him.
But I don’t want to get ahead of myself. We only began the discussion this morning.
I went directly into the lap pool this morning as I have been doing lately and just began to do laps. I’m sure I did at least 30 minutes of freestyle lengths before I even changed to another stroke. I stopped at the sides of course, but only for one or two seconds. I just wanted my face in the water and the meditation is so good in the freestyle.
I thought about some tips that were mentioned in the videos I watched the other day. During the freestyle your arms should be pushing the water back on the downstroke which is different from just plowing through with brute strength. At least according to this one video I watched. I found it definitely made it easier to do the stroke. I also tried to remember to look more often at the bottom of the pool. It’s easier on the neck and makes you more streamlined.
I love swimming. I love the freestyle. I love water.
We were going to have breakfast for dinner last night which was okay with me, but my parents came home from the grocery store with Grocery Store Chinese Food. Not good. I was starving and it smelled good, but I looked at what I had on my plate and it was just carbs and grease. Hardly any protein.
A small amount of fried rice. A small amount of greasy noodles. Sweet & sour chicken nuggets (breaded, fried, dripping in red glaze). Plus crispy chow mien noodles. Really, really bad. I ate one bite of a fried egg roll and it was horrific. Whatever was inside of it was impossible to determine.
They don’t need to be eating like that either. But I didn’t say anything because my mother’s feelings get hurt so easily. I tried not to eat anything else the rest of the night since I felt I had eaten poorly.
I am living proof that our bodies would rather be fit and they can become healthier with only the slightest encouragement. Thanks to swimming and watching what I eat, I will not end up with diabetes or fatty liver disease. I will probably live longer due to an improved cardiovascular system. My bones are stronger and will be less prone to breaking.
Oh, and I will hopefully not tax our health care system with all the extra care I would have needed if I stayed obese.
I think I read somewhere that fat people live on average five years less than their average weight peers. But to me it’s not just the extra five years. It’s the quality of life for the last 20+ years. I can now do things. I want to do things.
I don’t look down on people who decide to use bariatric procedures to lose weight. If that’s what you need to get the job done, then do it. I only knew that my sister had had some real complications with her procedure, plus I had already had enough surgeries in my life and felt I couldn’t bear an elective one, so I decided to try it on my own.
Another reason is that I gather there is quite a program of counseling before the surgery and that you have to lose around 20 pounds prior to surgery just so that your liver gets a bit smaller to allow the surgeons to do their job. Correct me if I’m wrong on that fact.
If I can lose 20, I can lose more. The two most challenging parts of this journey are 1.) starting it, and 2.) maintaining it. But I’ll be honest, until I finally determined I was going on this journey come hell or high water, I did not think it was possible to lose 5 pounds, let alone 20. Also I’m not even close to the maintenance part yet, I’m just speaking from past experience.
I have another confession to make. I think I’m a self hating fat person. I see so many fat and overweight women in the locker room and I feel some level of disgust. I know that sounds really terrible (and I’m sorry I feel that way), but I think it’s because I know I look like some of them too, and I hate looking like that. I remind myself that they are at the pool getting exercise and that is all that matters. They are doing something just like me. They are not sitting at home. Brava to all of us.
I realize the above statement about disgust might be taken harshly by some readers. It would appear that I, as a fellow “fatty”, can feel some accepted level of disgust for one of my own. But a normal sized person isn’t supposed to have an opinion at all. That’s not fair is it?
I’ve talked about fat acceptance before and I feel it is a slippery slope. Of course we should not demean fat people — it won’t do any good and will only do harm. But I feel it is dangerous for our society as a whole to get so damned big. It is just not healthy. When I was in elementary school I knew no overweight kids and when I was in high school there were one or two. That’s vastly different from today where schools are reporting over 50% of kids are considered overweight.
My god, even some of the lifeguards and swim instructors are a good 15-20 pounds overweight. Why? We need to change that. It’s hard, but with dedication it might be possible to reverse this trend. We must reverse it. I’ll give Michelle Obama some props for attempting to get our kids in shape.
My ex-husband’s family were very, very frugal. There were three sons and on Sundays the three boys would share ONE CAN OF COKE for their once a week treat. That is how different things are today. Everything is enormous.
Last night when I struggled to get to sleep, thinking of my husband and other upsetting things, I decided to fantasize on what sort of clothes I would buy when I am at a normal weight. I let my mind dress the new me, older but classy in tastefully tailored clothing. I can’t think of how long it’s been since I thought about the possibility of me being a normal weight again. But now I know that I will get there. I know it without a doubt.
I wish I could help other people who are feeling helpless about their weight. It is possible to look and feel better, you just have to begin.
I’d love to hear your views on these subjects. And please follow me on Twitter @movingliquid1