Going With the Flow

Yesterday’s workout provided a learning opportunity. I had an 12:30 appointment with an attorney to talk about my dire finances and he called to move it to 11:30. This meant I only had time for about a 45 minute swim.

I had to tell myself that was ok. That is how real life is. You need to go with the flow. I know that my days of 1.5 hour workouts are numbered and I’m grateful for them for now. I also knew that a 45 minute workout was better than no workout. I don’t need to fear that a disruption of my schedule will mean I throw it all away.

Because I’m now organizing a ton of paperwork in an attempt to get my life on track and I’m making appointments and phone calls, my life will not be as simple as it has been. That’s ok. Outside of my workouts I’ve been quite bored.

I spent an hour and fifteen minutes in the lap pool today doing lengths and then I showered and left. A perfectly adequate workout, just a different one. I think mixing up workouts is good for your body. I gather our bodies kind of get used to our routines and they appreciate having things mixed up a bit. I hear that it can help when you’re experiencing a plateau.

My swim suit from Swim Outlet finally came yesterday and I’m embarrassed to say it’s too small. I think I keep forgetting that I am still as big as I am since I feel so good. I’m bummed because I’m back at square one with my suit hunt and because Swim Outlet charges you to return items, which I feel is an outdated policy. Dad and I will go to Costco later today to see if they still have some of their $20 Speedos in stock.

I haven’t been able to really talk with my husband much since he announced he wants us to be together. I asked him yesterday if he was still with this other woman. He said he’ll “take care of it.” I was so appalled I could hardly speak. He asked if I could give him a week. I told him he needed to stop hurting me and that he should have ended it with her before he announced to me he wanted to be with me. I am repulsed and so confused. This is truly inconceivable! I told him that for the time being, unless he has news regarding his lawsuit, not to call me. I’m degraded and humiliated and I need time to think.

I don’t know how things will end up with my husband but I know I should not return to him. Intelligence and reason are not always linked. He’s brilliant. I’ve never known such a thinker, part philosopher and part Peter Pan. There was always another opportunity around the corner that was going to make us rich.

He came into the relationship with nothing. I gave him everything I had, literally. We went through the house I owned (outright), my savings, my 401k, and all my very good credit. I have nothing left except extreme debt.

I never thought I’d be “that” woman. The one who can’t figure out that it’s just not going to work with this guy when the writing is clearly on the wall. I wanted to leave plenty of times, but I kept thinking, if I just believe in him one more time our ship will come in and everyone will see what a genius he is. And the next time and the next time until I was empty.

And now he wants to carry on with another woman and string me along? If you look up “Insult to Injury” on Google you’ll see this exact situation. Please God. Let me know that this is my limit. This is wrong on every level. I deserve better.

Almost every night I have to fight the urge to go spy on him and find out who he is sleeping with. In the end, so far, I just remind myself that it simply does not matter who she is. This is about what he is doing to me.

My blog isn’t read by too many people and that’s ok. I write it for my own sanity, really. I did receive a comment today on my “About” page that was incredibly moving and it really touched me. I knew I was not alone in this battle for mental and physical health! Sisters and brothers, let’s unite and support one another!

We can do this. We must do this because this life is short and we deserve better. We may have made mistakes, we may be dealing with abuse and financial ruin. We may feel we are too old. We may be struggling to keep our mental health issues in check and repair years of abuse to our poor bodies. In spite of all that we have experienced and all that we are going through we are good people, with love to give, and we can make our own lives better.

Have any comments about learning to be flexible in our exercise routine or anything else? Please comment below. And please follow me on Twitter @movingliquid1


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