Progress, Not Perfection

I feel such shame. Last night my anger got the best of me just as I went to bed. I sent my husband an ugly text and then I called him. I said something about ‘how do you expect me to feel knowing you can’t end your relationship with this woman, and I believe she lives there with you, and all my possessions are there that she is touching and using.’ But in-between there was cursing and name calling. No dignity whatsoever.

He used it as an excuse to remind me of how horrible I am to live with and no matter what I said, everything came back to being my fault. My fault. My fault. Or my family’s fault. Never his fault. He “never asked me for anything.”

I asked him why on earth he told me he wanted to be back together with me the other day and he said he was “testing” me to see how I’d behave. Later when I asked him again he said he meant it at the time but has since changed his mind because I haven’t changed like I told him I had. Later still he said it was because he was “cushioning” me. I told him, “Stop cushioning me.”

I could tell that my parents tried to go to bed while I was having words with him rather loudly. My dad got up and I don’t know how long he stayed up. I feel awful.

In my heart I knew our relationship was unsalvageable but admitting it out loud has made me lose all my confidence. Is it me or just human nature that when he wanted me I had courage and when he doesn’t want me I lose all courage?

I immediately felt 100 years old and thought to myself, ‘you’re practically sixty. what do you think you can do with your life?’ I don’t want to be sixty. I feel so much younger.

I’m so angry that I lost all composure last night and gave him more ammunition to use against me. I tried to say to him that of all the reasons I’ve ever had to be upset, this is the best one, you sleeping with another woman. He said he is under far too much stress and that he kept asking for me to leave him alone but I wouldn’t listen. Oh, and he said he has stopped his relationship with “her” and if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you.

I threatened him and said if he didn’t treat me fairly, I’d tell everyone what he did to me. He doesn’t respond to threats well because that’s his area of expertise and so he threatened me back. He also said my treatment of him was far worse than his treatment of me. I honestly do not know who this man is. The man I knew seems to have truly vanished. I love and miss that man, but he no longer exists.

Wait.

I have a feeling he never existed. This is why none of my family liked him. He has a sleazy component about him. I know he is a man who wants to be good and liked, but he is duplicitous and vindictive. I knew all along that I was in a relationship with a man whose values were vastly different from mine. I tried to tell myself that it didn’t matter. I actually thought to myself, ‘Would you try to change Tony Soprano?’ No, you would not.

Every time I turn around I’m having to accept that my relationship is over. I keep tearing off that bandaid over and over again.

And now I am filled with self doubt. I was beginning to feel hopeful about my future new life, but now I am terrified all over again.

I have an idea for starting my own business on next to nothing, but now I wonder if it’s idiotic. I absolutely can’t trust my own instincts. I wish so much that I could have seen my new counselor this week but she couldn’t start seeing me regularly until next week. I’m going to have to share my ideas with people so I can get an idea of whether I should pursue them or not. I can’t trust my own judgement.

On top of all this indignity I have an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow to see if I have any STDs from him because I know I was with him after he started his relationship with her. And, I haven’t wanted to admit it for weeks, but I feel pain in my lower abdomen/pelvic area and I’m terrified I have something wrong inside. I had a hysterectomy two years ago and they removed my uterus and cervix. I told them if my ovaries looked ok to leave them and they did. I fear they are not ok now. My god I’m losing it.

I feel I’m at a breaking point. I am not getting nearly enough sleep. I’m not eating well because nothing sounds good. I’m so tempted to ask for klonapen or something like it to help me deal. But I simply can not. If I go that route I don’t know how long I’ll be stuck there. I don’t know what damage it will do to me and my eating and exercise regime. The only time I feel ok is when I’m working out and I can’t do that all my waking hours.

I’m really sorry to anyone reading this. I try so hard to pretend I’m motivated and changed and a decent person and then something happens to make me doubt it all. This is what my life is like and I abhor it. This is how I do not want my life to be.

Stop.

Breathe.

Understand that pretty much anybody would say things in anger that they mean and don’t mean when they realize their spouse has lied about the most intimate part of their relationship.

Give. Yourself. A. Break.

Cut yourself some slack.

Begin to process this. Begin to truly move forward.

You’re hurt. You’re not a bad person. You are hurt. You are going to be OK.

—–

I wrote the above at 5 a.m. this morning and now, after returning from swimming I feel somewhat better. This is an emotional roller coaster and no, I’m not addicted to drama. I don’t like too much of it in my life.

I sent my husband one more text today saying to him that I realize our marriage isn’t salvageable, but I do love him and care about what happens to him. That I acted up because I miss him and because I’m hurt but I don’t want to add to his stress. I told him I’d do my best to stay out of his way and for him to not give up on his case. He replied, “Thank you.” In spite of how he hurt me, I can see that he is very near a breaking point himself. He has constant calls from his family in London about their woes.

I wore my new Costco Speedo suit (size 18) today and two women, a lifeguard and a swimmer commented on my new suit. I fear that old one must have looked horrendous! It fits great but has a titch too much room in the bust. I am slightly smaller in the bust than I should be for my weight because 10 years ago I had a breast reduction. I have a feeling if/when I get to an average weight, I may end up with pancake breasts, but hey, that’s what padded bras are for, right?

When I write about exercising for an hour or sharing my eating tips I want you to know that I do not consider myself a success or an expert or an athlete. If I were known for my self control and self discipline I would not have ended up at 267 pounds, would I? While I feel that I probably will get near a normal weight, I know that this could all come tumbling down. I am known, when something doesn’t go perfectly, to throw in the towel.

I’ve worked far too hard to do that this time so I am trying to learn that this is a “progress not perfection” situation. I have also recently realized I’m far more competitive than I would ever have admitted before. Every time I have to share a lane with someone I know it quite clearly. I’ve never acknowledged that side of myself before.

I was called and told that my new counselor has an opening tomorrow at 9 a.m. and although I don’t want anything to interfere with swimming, I have taken the appointment. I’ll go swim right after that. As precarious as things are right now, I need some words of wisdom before I face the weekend.

I feel that I may not lose any weight this week, but probably will not have gained. I have just eaten wrong all week. I haven’t had many proper meals and I’ve done a bit of grazing where you can forget how much you actually consumed. I’m preparing myself for that this Sunday. If it’s the case, I’ll deal with it.

Progress, not perfection.

Advertisements

2 responses to “Progress, Not Perfection

  1. There’s such honesty in your post. I got divorced almost 20 years ago and I can say I went through all what you mention here and felt all those things too. But life goes on. Hang in there, it does get better with time and just processing through everything and figuring out your new life. I remember getting to a point where I was actually excited to think my life could be whatever I wanted it to be because it was just me!

  2. Thanks for your words of encouragement, Cynthia. It’s good to know it gets better. I’m afraid to ask how long it takes!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s