Don’t Even Bother to Read

I feel as though I’m going to lose my battle to retain my sanity in the next day or so.

The pain I have in my pelvis and stomach is only about a 5 out of 10, but I am also nauseated and feel dizzy, and I can barely make myself eat.

I finally got the appointment to get the ultrasound, but it’s not until tomorrow afternoon. The scheduler told me just now to call my doctor if the pain is getting worse and she will probably recommend going to the ER or urgent care again for the scan.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m pretty sure that 50% of what I’m feeling is pure fright over what might be wrong. I hate that I’m virtually going through this experience alone.

My mother saw me with tears on my face and asked me what’s wrong and I told her. She said, “Ohhh.” And that was that. It was as though she were talking with a work colleague and not her flesh and blood. I want my husband; he’s the only person I want.

But later last night I did tell him that I loved him and might consider forgiving him for cheating, but not for not letting her go. That is where I draw the line. Why won’t he let her go? He won’t say. He simply can’t understand that he is degrading me and cheapening even further what we did have.

He may or may not be using me. But he is certainly playing unfairly with my emotions. He knows me better than anyone else in the world; he knows I can only handle so much.

I have an appointment with my counselor today and feel I will just sit there and sob and overwhelm her. I’m at the point where I’m pretty certain some anti-anxiety medication would actually do me more good than harm. I’d have to promise not to OD. But she does not do the prescribing.

I’m becoming frozen and incapable of making a move. I only slept about two hours last night and couldn’t figure out if I should try to swim or go get in line for free tax assistance. I know now that I probably should not swim; it seems like a bad idea at the moment, especially considering how weak I feel.

I feel I should shut down this blog until I can get on even footing, but this is my only outlet. I am feeling extremely hopeless and have been having familiar thoughts of suicide. I just can’t go through this alone.

I had an online girlfriend who had cervical cancer. She seemed to beat the cancer, but the treatment just ruined her bladder area. She will probably use a catheter and need adult diapers for the rest of her life. She’s a single mother of a 17 year old girl. I’ve often heard that cancer patients end up dying a few years later from complications from their treatment, not their cancer.

I’m so sorry. I haven’t been diagnosed and I’m going on and on. I just can’t think of what else it can be.

I don’t have a uterus or a cervix. I only have my ovaries and that is exactly where most of my pain is.

Two years ago when I reluctantly had my hysterectomy I told the doctor if my ovaries looked “okay” to leave them. I thought it was the prudent thing to do. When I woke up I was told he did not take them. What could have happened in just two years? Or did he even bother to look at them?

I have not felt normal in that region since then and I didn’t recover from it as quickly as they swore I would.

I hope that somehow I will be told that it is a minor thing that can be dealt with easily. I hope I can look back in a few weeks and tell you how foolish I was for worrying so.

I feel unwanted in this home. I feel unloved and alone. I want to be held in my husband’s arms. I want to comfort him, kiss him, and make love with him.

My mother is not really capable of helping to take care of anyone. She still asks my dad to bring her stuff constantly as she sits in her recliner with one of the dogs on her lap. I can’t tell you how many times a day I hear, “Honey will you bring me a….” And my father gets up with grunts and groans and gasping chest and gets the thing and brings it to her on his wobbly legs. Perhaps if you’ve been together for a very long time you simply can’t see how weak or ill your partner has become. I don’t know.

I do know that my desire to fight anything is very very low.

LATER: Saw my counselor and have some perspective, well, a little perspective. She told me to try to concentrate on reducing my stress level and self care. I decided to swim this afternoon/evening and then just float in the deep pool. I’m looking forward to that.


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