Everybody Deserves Better

I feel a certain way right now and I might feel differently in an hour or tomorrow or next week, but I feel I have finally reached that point where I can’t take any more humiliation over my husband’s indecision regarding our marriage.

He is living in my home (the apartment we shared) with my things with another woman. I don’t know who she is or how they met or if she’s skinny, fat, young, or old, and I do not blame her, but I certainly cannot respect a woman who would basically invade another woman’s territory like that.

When I left him back in October, I only took my personal things, but there are still things I would never, ever have left behind such as a 40 year old lace tablecloth, the ceramic dish I bought in Amsterdam with my daughter, all my beloved kitchen things and so much more. More than eighty percent of what is in that apartment is mine.

And what does he care about the Union Jack pillow I bought in London and sits on our couch? He’s from there. He can get more.

I hate to even think about the two of them making a loving meal using my gorgeous burnt orange La Cruset Dutch oven. Go ahead and laugh. I threw that in for levity but c’mon, those pots are really expensive.

I’m in Oregon and we are experiencing some snow today, therefore everything is shutting down. Luckily I made it to the imaging center and they were able to do both of my ultrasounds this morning. So, yay, I have that behind me. Hopefully by Monday or Tuesday someone might have an idea of what’s wrong with me.

Between ultrasounds it came to me — I am alone. I need him and he’s not here for me. He may want to be with me when things calm down, but I need him now. He’s not willing to make that decision, therefore I am making it for him. I sent him an email just now saying that I won’t be anyone’s second choice, and I I’ve reached my limit on the amount of humiliation I can take.

As I said while sobbing yesterday in my counselor’s office, “I deserve better.” And that’s what so many comments on my blog have told me too. I knew I did, but I attempted to put my ego aside to give him the time he asked for.

I know it’s for the best but of course I am frightened. No matter how much I may suffer in the coming months with whatever is going on in my body, I’d rather do it alone, than hold on to the hope that he may want me later on. I deserve better.

My heart breaks for his two daughters who have waited years for their father to get his life together and bring them to America. I had my rough patches with the girls but in the last couple of years I grew to love them deeply. I wanted their children to be my grandchildren. I wanted them in our lives forever. I don’t want children to leave the family home!

Thanks to me, my husband and his entire family can have a different sort of future if they want to. I paid all the fees for his immigration process. One more thing that I paid for. But he needs to get his daughters out of there while they are still minors. I hope for their sake that he does.

They deserve better, just like I do. I had hoped that I could be the stable thing they needed here in America since their father is, well, a flake. They love him, and he adores them, but he has mostly lived apart from them for about seven years. In case you’re wondering, they live with his parents. Their own mother has problems with “reliability.” She flits in and out of their lives.

I wanted to go for a gentle swim and some floating yesterday, but I just felt too crummy. And today the pool is probably shut due to snow and I still feel crummy. It’s only ten a.m. and I’ve been awake since five. Snow will probably keep me housebound.

For the moment, I am not in a panic. This epiphany seems to have finally occurred at a time when I think I can handle it. It was there all along, I just wasn’t ready to face it.

I feel rather full with love, to be honest. Love and kindness and gentleness mixed with a bit of sorrow. My primary focus right now is to get to the bottom of why I feel so bad physically and then move on with my life. There is so much fun to have and so many people and places to explore.

I know you will wish me luck and for that, I thank you ahead of time.

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