Pure Insanity

I’m more or less minding my own business. I email my husband regarding the website he is going to make for me. I don’t text. I don’t get personal. I don’t call him.

He texted me and asked if I was enjoying the snow. Then he called me to tell me that his lawsuit has been served and published in the local paper. I think he told me simply because he mentioned that the case was worth x amount, when the posting in the newspaper says it’s for a helluva lot more.

He said to me, “So is that enough to move to California?”

I said, “For you it is. I’m bowing out. I don’t want to play this game any more.”

He said, “Ok, well then just trust me.”

I said, “I have trusted you for several months now and I haven’t asked to move back in. I’ve just asked you to end this relationship you have with another woman so that I can spend time with you. Comfort you. Make love with you. But I have finally reached the end of the degradation I can take. I won’t wait for you or trust you any longer.”

He said, “Ok.”

He said he was sorry, but I’d have to trust him and he can’t explain it right now. I said, “I’m sorry but it seems as though you have lost touch with how other people feel.”

He said he knows how I feel. I said, “No. You can’t.”

He actually said he needs more time to deal with her and I said, “Why? Your relationship with this woman is less than a year old.” He said he can’t tell me now.

But there’s no denying it. She lives there with him. Among my possessions.

My head keeps wondering if she’s pregnant. I don’t want to go there. He told me she’s not.

Are there any circumstances you can think of where any of this would be ok? He obviously does not believe that I want to move on without him. He actually thinks I’ll wait and forgive him.

I said, “I don’t know if you’re using her for sex, food, a car, or money, but shame on you.” He again said he was sorry.

What have I done to deserve this prolonged horrific treatment? How strong does God need me to be? Why do I have to keep ripping the bandaid off over and over again?

If there were no lawsuit. And if there was no potential for money for me to get my life back on track after he took everything from me, I’d tell him to fuck off. As it is, because he can be vindictive, and I can’t afford to have him take the money and go, I have to keep as calm as possible while dealing with him.

But you know what I hope will happen in the coming weeks? I hope that somehow I realize how sick and wrong this is and that I grow the testicles to never consider taking him back. There is simply no good reason for him to continue to have a relationship with another woman if he also wants me back.

I’ve never heard of anything so weird, not even in my mother’s True Life made for TV movies.

If I weren’t here at my parents where I need to stay in control I shudder to think of how I’d be coping. God knows what self destruction I might enter into from buying booze to getting prescriptions and worse. I suppose I am learning here that all this bad shit isn’t going to kill me even though it often feels like it will. I’m not dealing with it as well as other normal people would, but I could be a whole lot worse.

But of course I am fighting with the thing that makes me the maddest, I want him. I don’t know why I want him. I think it might be simply because he doesn’t want me. I hate myself for desiring him.

I often thought that we could have that odd sort of marriage where the man travels a lot and makes money and I basically take care of his daughters and I imagined that we would love one another when we saw one another. But I also imagined he’d be monogamous.

I  know by now that my life is TMI for most ordinary people. At least I assume there are ordinary people in the world. Perhaps we’re all living double lives and all of our stories are sordid.

I’ll bet you’re as curious as I am to know why on earth he won’t break it off with the other woman while telling me to trust him. Sometimes I picture myself banging on the door and storming inside and screaming and throwing things, but I can’t hurt myself any more.

The sight of her would crush me, in fact it would surely send me to the psych ward. I’m in a terribly fragile state and I feel that certain things could tip me right off the edge. Knowing about her is one of them. There is no explanation for this, no matter what he thinks.

I just spent an hour on FaceTime with one of my stepdaughters. I’m so sad that they may not be in my future. This is an insane situation. I don’t want this to continue. I want off of this ride.

It won’t stop snowing which is very rare for this part of Oregon. The amount of snow that’s on the ground now will take a week to thaw. I am already feeling housebound. I tried to go out to the store, but the ice on my windows would not melt! We are pretty inexperienced in these matters since our climate is considered moderate.

I realize that anyone hearing about this saga will no longer consider me to be normal or reasonable, if I ever was. Things like this just don’t happen to reasonable people. I may regret sharing so much, but this is my only outlet. This blog and my new counselor are the only places for me to tell the truth.

If I come out the other side I may regret telling it like it is here. But right now, I just can’t pretend things are any other way. Things are insane. It’s like an alternate universe where my husband is speaking in an alien tongue and I stare at him dumbfounded.

On the subject of weight loss this week, I feel that I probably have not lost any weight, but hopefully not gained. I’m too distracted right now to do anything the way it needs to be done, and I haven’t been swimming for a week.

I’m beginning to think that my issues are bowel related which doesn’t really make me feel any better.

I wrote my husband one more email last night asking him to stop talking about a future with me and to stop hurting me once and for all. I told him my newfound strength is still young and should not be tested like this. I don’t think he’ll listen. Do you?


2 responses to “Pure Insanity

  1. Hi, I hope you are okay.
    I just wanted to say that you are not dealing with this any differenly to ‘normal’ people. I too would be heartbroken if my relationship broke down for the reasons yours has. In long ago arguments with my boyfriend, we wouldn’t talk for days and it drove me crazy sometimes. It’s not sensible or logical, but it’s just how it is.

    And secondly – I don’t believe in this husband of yours. I don’t believe he’s being fair, and I feel that you deserve better. Don’t let him treat you this way – you are better than this.

    Make a goal to go back swimming – in your last posts you wrote about ow much you enjoyed it. And do things to keep you busy – reading, sewing, films – whatever you enjoy.

    You will get through this and come out the other side stronger for it.

  2. Thanks, mylittledreamworld1, it’s nice to know that anyone would be freaking out under these conditions. And I have to admit I don’t believe my husband either, sadly. I really want to get back to the pool but weather and ill health has prevented me. With any luck I can go when they’re open again on Monday, I really need it. I appreciate your support!

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