Weighday and Baby Steps

I seriously considered not weighing today but knew that would be a bad idea. I didn’t eat blatantly bad, but I was often unaware of what I ate this week. I was surprised to see the scale said 219 so I am finally in the teens.

Last Sunday’s weight was 220.9 and today 219.2 so that’s 1.7 pound weight loss. Adequate considering the week I’ve had. That’s a 48 pound weight loss since mid October 2013. I’m closing in on that 50 pound mark. But getting into the teens for the first time in over ten years, or getting close to that 50 pound weight loss just doesn’t excite me like it should.

I think my sub conscience is finally realizing how I can’t consider taking my husband back (not that he’s come right out and asked me to) and I’m hurting anew. I guess I’ll always be utterly mystified about what has happened and the circumstances of this other woman. I’ve even wondered if she might be a he! I’ve wondered if she’s the sister of a friend; someone he feels he can’t break up with until he leaves the area. Whomever she is, he has chosen her over me and that’s a fact.

And he says he won’t stay in this “hick town” and no, it’s not a hick town. He’s just a man who runs and runs from himself and the shit he gets himself into. I imagine he wants to run so that he doesn’t have to pay back all the people he’s borrowed money from. I don’t know. I’m forced to guess and imagine and wonder.

One thing is certain: he will never know how much he’s hurt me.

In spite of my low mood and the fact that I have now not exercised for one full week, I am optimistic about one area of my life, my new website/business. I hate the fact that I need to rely on my husband to get the site up for me, but until I have some money, I can’t afford to hire anyone to help me.

I spent all day yesterday on the Twitter account of my website and it was so great catching up on the Tweets of all the diverse groups I used to follow. My husband sent a quick email yesterday saying he was able to find the WordPress template I had selected at no cost, so that’s good. Every penny helps. But now he’ll have to spend a day or so working on it before I can begin to add content to it. In the old days, anyway, it took a day or two, but if he doesn’t spend much time on it, it could take much longer.

I’m quite overwhelmed that all my old posts for this website have been deleted by the hosting company. I thought things never disappeared from the Internet! So I have to start out at the beginning, which is quite daunting.

Oh, and I’ve decided to purchase a computer table that I can stand or sit at or even use in bed, just in case. I know that sitting and working on a website for hours and hours at a time is very bad for our health. If you can recommend a table on wheels that adjusts and holds a laptop easily, let me know.

My plan is to spend at least a couple of weeks loading the site with content before I make it visible to the public.

Yesterday when I spent a lot of time on the website’s Twitter account I did see two other local websites that try to do a bit of what I want to do with my website, but they do it poorly and I know that I can do it better.

Today I will try to work on my new About page and perhaps start writing articles and just save them until I have my hands on the website. No need to sit and do nothing.

I’ve also decided that if my  husband does not provide me with adequate proof this week that he plans to share 50% of his proceeds with me I will go to an attorney. I don’t want to because it will enrage my husband, but I cannot risk that he has been leading me on all this time to give me a false sense of security.

As ruthless as I believe he can be, I know that he does feel some shame over basically ruining me. But perhaps not enough to be fair with me. One reason I know he wants to skip town is that he does not plan to pay the first attorney he hired to help him with this lawsuit. I have to admit, that guy certainly does not deserve the full amount, he really dropped the ball and cost us much time and misery.

My husband is a desperate man, and so he will not pay people if he can get away with it. I am “people” at this point. I have finally admitted that whatever is happening there, it is unforgivable at this point. No man who ever loved me would treat me this way. I cannot go back. I must move forward, no matter how painful.

I had forgotten what a sense of pride my old website gave me. It was my proof that I am creative and had produced something to be proud of. Even though it’s not back up yet, I feel that sense of pride returning and, frankly, it feels great to feel a positive emotion about anything anymore. I am truly eager to begin my new “job.”

My husband and I parted ways in mid October and it is only today that I feel I have taken my first step in recovering from this breakup. It’s been a sad and long four months and I wish I could have come to this place earlier. I also feel that it’s likely that as soon as my husband is “ready” he will try to pursue me mercilessly again and at that point I’ll really have to be strong. At least that’s how he’s always been in the past. I can’t really predict what he’ll do any more.

I plan to, 1.) figure out what’s wrong with me physically and deal with it, 2.) return to swimming and add other activities to my life. 3.) devote myself full time to my website business, and 4.) begin to write less often here because even this blog needs to be put behind me.

Stats
Starting weight: 267 (mid October 2013)
Today’s weight: 219
Total weight loss to date: 48 pounds
Height: 5’8″
Goal weight: about 150

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