I am Going to be Okay

It seems like just when it feels I can’t take anymore, things seem to be winding down. I have truly begun to accept that my marriage is not reconcilable and deep down I know that’s for the best. I fight with shame and humiliation and I fight over the fact that my husband, a man of high temper and many faults, has simplified his life by just blaming me. He honestly considers himself a victim.

I am realizing there’s nothing I can do about how he justifies things in his own mind but I do look forward to the day when all of our “business” with one another is finished and we no longer have to communicate. I also hope he leaves the area, and he says he will.

I have now been swimming three days in a row and I’m up to an hour of laps, but probably slightly slowed down. Doing laps is unbelievably meditative and it allows me to free my mind. It reminds me that many good things are possible and gives me confidence.

I tried on some clothes at Lane Bryant the other day and discovered that size 20 is too big and size 18 is a bit snug in the waist. My waist is still bigger than it should be. I didn’t buy anything, but I’ll need to soon. The old jeggings I’ve been wearing as pants are hanging off of me.

I’m becoming very excited and consumed by my website, which isn’t even up yet, but I am writing articles so that when it is ready I can fill it with content. My husband said he’d work on it yesterday, but he didn’t. I hope he doesn’t drag this out forever. I already told him that I’d understand if he didn’t want to do it. All he has to do is tell me so, but now that he’s committed himself, I wish he’d work on it at least a little a day.

I realize how important my website is for my self esteem and I’m so eager to take the site to the next level that I only dreamed about in the past. The sad/hysterical part is that I had hundreds of articles that I could have recycled but the host company says they are all deleted. I’m trying to look on the bright side, but that’s an awful lot of work up in smoke.

Valentine’s Day is in two days and I’ll be glad when it’s over. My husband never really gave me gifts for holidays because we were so broke. I mean, he’d buy me some cologne but with my money, so does that count? Is it the thought that counts? In this case no. The money would have been better spent on food.

He really does not want me coming into his house to retrieve my things so this is going to be a process, unfortunately. I am still in disbelief that his new woman lives with him in my apartment surrounded by my things and that the two of them haven’t even been paying rent for months. I have to push thoughts from my mind constantly. It’s best if I don’t know. It’s best if I put that madness behind me.

I do regret wasting so much time and money on this relationship, but in spite of that, I am a better person for having experienced it. Sometimes when I’m swimming I imagine being with a man I haven’t met yet and the feelings that it conjures up are really nice. I look forward to the day when I have someone to go to dinner with, someone to vacation with, someone to feed, someone to love. For the first time in my life, however, I am going to take my time.

I’m embarrassed to say that the other day I found myself thinking that my psychiatric nurse practitioner is kind of cute!

I sat down with my parents and told them that I didn’t know what I’d be like if I weren’t here in their home with them. I told them that here I am forced to stay under control so that I don’t upset them, and that’s a really good thing. It’s good practice for me. My old ways of reacting need to be retired. I truly want to be a better person for the next man in my life.

I also feel that whoever he is he’ll have ethics and morals closer to my own. My husband influenced me in many ways that I felt uncomfortable with and I have shame in that. It should have been a huge red flag for me, but I decided to be blind to it.

My dad calls him “slimy” and, well….

I still do not know what’s wrong in my stomach but for some reason I’m less panicked about it.

It’s been almost four  months and now I know my future will not involve my husband and I’m ok with that even though a bit melancholy. Perhaps this acceptance should have come earlier, but I hoped he’d want to get back together with me so that did drag things out.

I now feel certain that I’m going to be ok.

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4 responses to “I am Going to be Okay

  1. you are better off!!! take care of yourself!! 🙂

  2. That’s great to hear you are swimming again and it’s helping you. Not just physically but mentally and spiritually.

    • Thank you, Cynthia. I’ll be honest, the swimming is the most important thing for my mental health right now. There is new thinking that exercise is the new antidepressant, and I’d have to agree wholeheartedly.

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