I know that I’ll still have many ups and downs as I recover from my husband’s betrayal but for today, I’m so grateful for the community that is serving my needs well, and my family who love and support me, and even for the few people who read this blog whether they comment or not.
I spoke to my counselor today about how to rid myself of these terrible intrusive thoughts I get throughout the day and night. Thoughts about the other woman and how she’s better than me. Thoughts about how old I am and that I’ll never be with another man again. Thoughts about how my husband is telling his friends around town that he did his best but that I have mental issues. All these thoughts about things I have no control over.
She said to think of my mind as the center of a wheel. Out from the week are the spokes and going around and around on the wheel are all of our thoughts, good and bad. We are unable to process all those thoughts at once so we pick and choose. When I find those intrusive thoughts invading my mind, I need to select another thought to think about, and drop the negative, destructive one. I can’t explain it well, but it was a nice visual in my mind, so I think I can do it.
Last night during a long conversation with my daughter she mentioned the thinking of many healthcare professionals that exercise is the new antidepressant, and I realized how true and profound that is. I did a bit of research and found that exercise seems to work better and last longer than the typical antidepressant prescriptions, plus it has no side effects, such as weight gain.
Having exercise and movement in my life again is so much more important than I ever dreamed of. No wonder I was so profoundly miserable! I am grateful that the pool is nearby, and it’s nice, and it’s affordable, and that I love to be in the water. I still plan to do other activities as soon as the weather improves a bit.
I went to my storage yesterday and saw that a lot of boxes have tipped over because it’s so moist there that the boxes are collapsing. I plan to by plastic containers and move things into them. Meanwhile I bought four containers today and took them to my husband. He’s going to start packing up my stuff. I did tell him today that at some point I will need to do a walk through because he can’t just ask me on the phone if I want this or that. I didn’t dilly dally with conversation, I dropped off the boxes and left.
There’s something in that apartment he really does not want me to see. I am trying not to spend time thinking about what it could be.
I saw an attorney today about my finances and plan to declare bankruptcy. I need to clear away all the old life so that I can begin anew. I also have four years of taxes to get done. Since I don’t have a penny to my name, legal aid has arranged for me to use a law firm in town, it took almost a year of waiting, but I am grateful for it. The AARP folks will be helping me to do my taxes, also for free.
I told my counselor today that I did many things that were out of my ethical or moral comfort zone, and getting myself into debt and not doing my taxes are just two of the things I have shame over. That’s just not like me. Not at all. And it will not be part of my future.
I pray I am never manipulated or weak enough again to be with someone who isn’t more like me ethically.
I have not eaten well this week and for the first time since October, I may not lose any weight this week. I got into the bad habit of eating these hard chocolate candies which are only 30 calories each, and then I’d eat ten or more of them. I am now focused and motivated again. I’m not about to stop my weight loss here at 219. I’ll get it under 200 and then I’ll motivate myself again.
Underneath my shame, humiliation, and sadness is the feeling that I’m going to be okay and perhaps better than okay. I will not let my circumstances define who I am at my core. I will get on my feet and I will thrive.
I wish with all my heart that people who suffer from depression and anxiety who are stuck in the prescription drug maze find their way out through some sort of exercise. Endorphins are our friends.