And the Pre-Divorce Stuff Gets Ugly

Swimming yesterday was amazing. I decided to do a few more laps and then look at the clock. I was hoping it had been at least 45 minutes. To my delight it had been 80 minutes. No swimming now until Monday, unfortunately. The pool is closed Friday and Saturday due to a swim meet, and on Sunday because it is always closed on Sunday.

I don’t think I’ll lose any weight this week. Pretty sure I will not have gained. I don’t like losing a week, but it won’t stop me, I’m heading towards that next goal of 199.

Today I sent my husband a text asking him if he got the letter from his attorney showing he will give me 50% of his award. Then we got in to a  fight with lots of name calling. Some on my part, but mostly on his. He would disagree, of course.

He cannot say that he is willing to give me half because it’s the right, lawful, decent, or fair thing to do. He behaves as though I should be lucky he’s giving me any. And today he said he’s giving it to me just so that he does not have to hear my voice ever again. That hurt me to my core. He always loved my voice. That cut so deep.

And he said that I’ll just blow the money anyway because I’ve got no sense, like the condo I bought, burying all my cash there and then losing it when the market crashed. I can’t be trusted with money, is what he is saying. Funny that, I’ve owned several houses and he’s owned one that he got thanks to his parents and the UK government’s help. He has never had a savings account, a 401k, but I have. He has never paid taxes, but I have. He has never worked, but I have.

He managed to insult my parents at least three times. And he threw my brother into the mix even though he’s never met him. I said, “I don’t bring up your father. Why do you need to bring up my family?” Well, he says, “Because at least my family helped us at times, what did your family ever do for us?”

No matter how often I told them that my parents have helped me throughout my life whenever they could, but they are no longer in a position to help in that way, he didn’t get it. I also told him that at my age I should no longer require the help of my parents, but he didn’t get that either.

During these arguments that always, always, cut below the belt, I am reminded of how dirty this man plays. I had never in my life met a person who truly had no limits when he fought before, and I found it unsettling, shocking, and definitely not chivalrous!

For years I’ve said to him, “Stop calling me names. Stop calling me names. I can handle everything else, but stop calling me names.” When we were separated I would stipulate before coming back, “You must agree to stop calling me names.” Didn’t do any good, he could not stop.

Early on in our relationship he was on one of his frequent calls back home to London with his mother. He ended up calling her the c word and I looked at him and said, “Whoa, way to talk to the woman raising your children.” And he actually seemed embarrassed for a moment. But now that I know him so much better I can’t even count all the times he just crossed way over the line with me or his family.

Once in the middle of really bad times, his mother drove us and his daughters to Brighton. On the way back we were following my husband’s sister and her husband and I don’t know what they were thinking, but they took us two hours out of our way to get home. And during that time, he yelled constantly at his mother. At first I asked him to stop, but he ignored me. I felt so bad for his mother and so bad for his daughters. It was truly horrific. His mother had a terrible migraine and at first she was giving as good as she got, but eventually she was beaten and he kept yelling and insulting for over an hour.

I know what that’s like, I’ve been there many, many times. Eventually you don’t bother to fight because it only has one outcome.

Sometimes I would think his family was more evolved than mine because even though they yell and insult (terribly) they don’t hold grudges for very long. But now I just think it’s a barbaric way to behave. Yes, my family is the opposite and we rarely tell anyone if we disagree with them, but I suppose it’s more civilized.

My husband today accused me of “harassing” him and I said, “I’m not harassing you.” He said if you’re causing me stress, you’re harassing me.” I said, “I texted you. I didn’t ask you to call me. You called me.”

He said he was tired of me and my family acting all “high and mighty” when we’re not which makes me think he’s the one with the inferiority complex.

At one point he said, “Stop saying I should be a man and share the award with you.” He mimicked me even though I’ve not said ‘be a man’, I’ve said be fair and decent and moral. He said, “Name me one decent man.” I said the name of my last husband, the good man. I said, “When our marriage ended we figured out what we were worth and split it down the middle. No fighting whatsoever.” He said, and I can hardly type this, “He was buying you off.”

He was buying me off.

What can you say to that? What can you possibly say? He always hated that my ex-husband was a kind and decent human being. And he was that way to his core, there was no acting and no resentment about giving me my half. I had earned as much money as he had!

And my current husband cannot get it through his head that he came into this relationship with no assets whatsoever, so everything that was liquidated in the course of our marriage had belonged to me. He says, “So what? That’s the price of being married.” He told me that no judge would care about my sob story.

I yelled for him to stop insulting me. That he was cheapening what we had and making me feel like he did it all for the citizenship. He didn’t seem phased by that.

Later he threatened again that if I pressure him any more, he’ll cancel the lawsuit. I said, “All you ever do is threaten.”

I don’t want to continue rehashing the argument any more even though much more was said. The bottom line is now that we’re no longer a couple, I should not have to take his shit any longer.

I tried several time to say, “If you get that letter or document from your lawyer, I won’t have to ask you once a week where it is. I won’t have any reason to contact you.” But he won’t see that.

Sadly, I told him to stop working on my website. I don’t want to owe him anything and don’t want him to be able to accuse me of harassing him over my website. So that sucks so badly I can’t tell you. I have no money to hire someone to do what he was doing, so my website is on hold, which has me quite depressed. It was the only “work” I do in a day, and I need it.

Perhaps when he calms down he’ll continue to work on it, but I doubt it.

I should have known and am not been surprised that a man who fights as dirty as he does, the divorce and settlement would not run smooth. One more reason to marry someone you feel won’t fuck you over in a divorce.

I cried during and after the telephone conversation and I wanted to retreat and be miserable, but I went to the store and bought some plastic bins and then went to my storage and began re-packing my stuff.

This sucks. But I’ll get through it. Happy Flipping Valentine’s Day.


2 responses to “And the Pre-Divorce Stuff Gets Ugly

  1. Now that you have made it clear to your husband there’s no going back and you’re not buying his mixed messages of “trust me”, he has no stake in the relationship or you and will not feel any reason to be nice to you or fair to you or even care about you at all. This is typical in divorce. A person who once cared very much all of a sudden cuts off any caring bone they had. Sucks. But you will get through it! Your focus now is taking care of yourself and doing what’s best for you in spite of his behavior.

  2. That does describe my husband’s behavior to a T, Cynthia. I guess it’s all part of him justifying his behavior, I was awful, and caused him to end our marriage and so I deserve ill treatment. More proof that I picked the wrong man. A decent person would not behave that way. Thanks for your support!

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