Weighday and Financial Truths

I got on the scale with more than a little reluctance today. It read 217.8 so I’m calling it 218. This makes a a titch over a pound lost this week — reasonable considering the weird week I’ve had. The good news is that next week I should hit the 50 pound weight loss mark.

I am pretty sure I’m not reaching a plateau yet, but rather just made some poor food choices this week and I’ll admit I’m glad that I at least lost the one pound.

I received a letter from my doctor’s office saying they were having trouble reaching me on the phone. Not sure why that would be. I’ve had plenty of calls from them. Anyway, the letter said my ultrasound tests showed that I still have gallstones (no surprise) but that nothing else showed up. They asked me to call them to tell them how my symptoms are.

My symptoms are unchanged but I am really trying to notice when they are worse. Overall, I’ve had a slight reduction in pain since I began just doing laps and not the intense ab stuff I was doing. And overall, I think the pain and bloating are worse after I’ve eaten popcorn. I’m going to take popcorn out of my diet and try to eat more “soothing” foods which are good for the gut like yogurt. Perhaps I have inflammation of my entire bowel since I hurt from my ribs to my pelvis.

I’m not nuts about most yogurt, especially American ones which are so damned sweet. I do like some Greek yogurts, but my favorite is a Lebanese yogurt which I have to go to a special store for. I enjoyed the tiny yogurt drinks they sell in the UK, three gulps and it’s gone. I’ll try to see if I can find something like that.

Yesterday I went to the other pool at noon, thinking it was 1 p.m. The pool doesn’t open until 1 p.m. and so I came home and showered and then went to see the LEGO movie, which was enjoyable, although I did feel a bit silly being the only older (and single) woman in a theater jam packed with kids.

I will probably go to the other pool today, the one I went to on Friday. It’s not going to become my regular pool, but it’s great to know that I can swim on a Sunday if I’m in the mood.

I wrote my husband a short email yesterday saying that we need to treat one another with some respect as we go about this divorce stuff and that the more he mistreats me, the more I feel he’s going to screw me over. I also asked him to consider finishing my website if he could, that I would continue to pay the mobile phone bill as his payment. I told him I’d understand if he did not want to do it, but thought I’d ask once anyway. I haven’t heard a word from him.

I can say, finally, with all honesty, that I don’t want him back any longer. What is bothersome is feeling like it was never a real relationship in the first place. Or that I’ve been replaced by a much younger model. Or that he’s spreading lies about me all over town. My ego is bruised. I wasted seven years and lost everything I owned with this guy and he just says, “That’s the price of marriage.” I’m having to muster the confidence that I will share my life again with someone deserving. And that is the key part, my husband was not deserving. I just couldn’t admit it. I threw good money after bad to try to convince myself and other people that he was a genius and we were right for one another. He might be a genius, but that doesn’t mean he’s a good person and no, we were not right for one another.

It’s so funny. I was the one with assets and yet throughout our marriage he constantly called me “materialistic.” He would say he was the least materialistic person he knew and I could not wrap my head around that. He constantly wanted things. He would obsess over something until he had it. Once it was a pocket watch and fob chain. He went everywhere to see them and found them online and after weeks of this intense search like it was the one thing that would make his life perfect, I would buy it for him because I wanted him to shut up about it. After he got it he no longer seemed to care about it, and on he went to the next obsession. There have been so many of them from guitars to Masonic jewelry.

And speaking of jewelry. I was the one who purchased our wedding rings, of course. I bought them online after much research. I knew I wanted a very thin band, 18k, and it has really been my favorite ring of all time. To my dismay, he lost his because he took it off now and then so that government agencies would not know he was married. It wouldn’t have changed anything for them to know he was married, but he didn’t want them to know anyway. I hate thinking that his ring is lying in a gutter or in a crevasse of a car we once owned. But it is long gone.

And he could be so selfish with money while making me fee that I was selfish with it. One Christmas, as usual we had no money to spend on one another and no money even to buy his daughters a gift, which I find especially horrible. A couple of weeks before Christmas his mother sent him $500 and he spent it on an electronic keyboard for himself. At first I understood him as he explained how he had to have a keyboard to nourish his soul. He liked to compose music and not having an instrument in his life was hard for him.

But I could not believe that a 45 year old man could put himself first, even before his young teenage daughters at Christmas, or even consider helping me to pay a bill. He actually rationalized it saying it was “extra money” when we had no extra money. In fact every month I was borrowing $1,000 from the loan I took on MY condo just to live. Using any part of that money to help take the burden from me would have been appreciated, but he could not conceive of it.

I could go on and on with so many examples. Why bother? I suppose one reason to “bother” is to finally face what a total jerk he was. But then that just makes me out to be an idiot. Gah.

I realize now after re-reading the above paragraphs about how my husband handled money make me so much angrier than I have ever admitted before. Just thinking about how he “allowed” me to carry us for all those years and he kept his conscience clear because he had it all justified. How nice for him!

And his conscience is clear to this day, at least he claims it to be. He “never asked me for a thing.” I feel anger towards him. And towards myself too. What a fucking idiot. But, if we had worked out as a couple then people would look at me and say, “She believed in him all along. Her sacrifice paid off.” What B.S.. I let myself be taken. I was an utter fool.

It also cracks me up that he would tell me that he is not a violent man and it isn’t in his nature to be loud and vulgar when he’s always been violent, loud, and vulgar with his mother and father, and sometimes to his daughters. But it’s just so easy for him to demonize me. I am the one who made him behave badly.

I should not give a crap if he demonizes me. What he thinks of me is no longer my concern — except — except that because he dislikes me, he doesn’t feel I deserve half of his settlement. Shit.

I’m in a tough spot. I must declare bankruptcy because I could never get out from under the debt I have, and yet I cannot do that if I have a claim against him or anyone else, which I don’t. But I have to wait at least two months for my bankruptcy to be finished before I can go to an attorney to try to help me protect what should rightfully be mine. If his settlement comes too early, he could simply take it and leave the state or country. Shit.

My option is to drop the bankruptcy and go to an attorney to help me secure half of his settlement. I can then deal with my debtors one by one, many of whom would take a reduced amount from me. It’s just doubly sad that much of my debt is his, yet I am forced to pay it all. From the Apple laptop to the Banana Republic clothing on his back, to the Burberry hat. I bought it all.

I think I will try to get a free consultation with an attorney this week. Perhaps they can shed light on the situation.

I’m so ashamed to admit to all this reckless spending. I have never done that before in my life. I had an incredibly high credit score. I believed him when he said we would move to London and run his family’s restaurant and I would be able to pay it all off. I was an utter fool.

I have to admit, too, that I felt a little entitled. I bought my condo for $158,000 in CASH. When the housing market fell, my condo could not be sold for $50,000. Almost overnight I had lost$100,000. This is certainly not my husband’s fault. I ended up borrowing $50,000 from it so that we could move to London and open a business, but instead we used it simply to buy food and gasoline and airline tickets when things did not work out there.

I felt as though Wall Street had taken my condo from me, so I might as well screw them over with my credit cards. I am deeply ashamed of my behavior. I’m not the only one to lose everything due to Wall Street’s greed. When I get on my feet again I will happily go back to reasonable spending and living. I’m comfortable that way. My husband, on the other hand, thought only a soulless person would pinch pennies and he constantly made me feel foolish when I wanted to be frugal.

But no, he’s not materialistic at all.

The overwhelming thing I’m feeling now is complete shame over allowing myself to be taken by this man. I wonder if I’ll ever trust my judgement again. What on earth was I thinking?

Sunday Stats
Starting weight: 267 (mid October 2013)
Today’s weight: 218
Total weight loss to date: 49 pounds
Height: 5’8″
Goal weight: about 150

Later —

Needed to swim. Was getting wound up. The pool that’s open on Sundays is the one with the wave pool. It was a chaos of screaming kids and stressed out families doing their birthday party thing. Not at all relaxing, but I was able to swim for a bit over an hour. Will try not to go there in the day any more!

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