Being Grateful for Mediocre Days

It’s interesting being in smaller size clothes because on one hand it feels great to have clothes fit me, and on the other hand, I feel fat all over again. Technically I know I am still fat, I just expect to look better than I do (for some weird reason).

The one other time in my life that I lost significant weight was when I was in my late 20s. I think I went from about 190ish to around 140. I was in (yet another) really bad marriage, and I decided I had a problem with alcohol, so I gave it up and joined a gym, and when I reached my goal I walked away from him.

So it’s hard to fathom that I’ve lost almost 52 pounds and still look bad, but obviously I am much bigger this time. I don’t want to yo-yo anymore. I’m going to work hard to never be fat again. Losing the weight is not the hardest part, keeping it off is.

I’m not even to the halfway point in my weight loss. I have about 65 pounds to go if I want to get to 150. At this point I don’t know what’s realistic for me as a goal weight so I will wait until I get closer, but at 150 at my height, I recall looking fairly slender. I’m older now so I may never get to 140 or 145 again.

If I keep losing two pounds a week it’ll take me 32 weeks to be near goal weight. That’s such a freaking long time. I think I need to try harder to lose closer to 3 pounds a week, especially now when I’m still large.

Okay, that’s enough scale talk.

I was slightly sore this morning from swimming yesterday, and my body said, “You don’t need to swim again!” But I knew I did need to swim again and I ended up having a good workout for about an hour and fifteen minutes.

My routine seems to be 20 warm up laps of freestyle, followed by six laps of breaststroke, two of sidestroke, one of backstroke, one dolphin kick on my back, and then I begin the laps over again, but with a bit more gusto. In the second set I try to increase the freestyle laps to 26 or 28 (this is the set where I feel warmed up, strong, and sometimes feel that swimmer’s high), then I do the breaststroke, sidestroke,  etc. Then back to laps, at least 20 of them, more if I can.  And then finish up with several cool down laps. Unless I’ve missed a set in there, that takes anywhere from an hour to an hour and fifteen minutes.

Sometimes I purposefully try to forget how many laps I’ve done just so that I have to do the lap again. Sometimes I do more slow laps, other times I challenge myself by throwing in a hard lap. My main priority is to work out as hard as I am able to for a minimum of 60 minutes. At the beginning of the week I have more stamina, near the end of the week, I’m noticeably tired.

After I swam I drove to Lane Bryant again to try on bras and I just couldn’t bring myself to spend the money. No one is seeing me in my undies anyway, so I’ll just keep my old, ill-fitting bras on for now.

I’ve decided to apply for that position as a child advocate in the court system. It will give me something to do and expose me to other people. Also, I saw that the Obsidians (a local outdoor group) are planning a bus trip that sounded mildly interesting, so I might sign up for that — I haven’t fully decided on that one yet. I have to meet new people which is the hardest thing in the world for me.

I suppose if I were a different sort, I could make “friends” by going to bars, but that’s not my thing and I know that would be unbelievably bad for me. I’ve always called myself “shy” but I don’t know if I am that or if I’m introverted. Or socially retarded. Certainly in the old days when I drank, I was friendly enough!

In trying to deal with not knowing how to be alone, I was thinking while swimming today that I should simply look at what I’m doing now (fitness, weight loss, emotional health) as a year long commitment. Take a break from even thinking about meeting a new man until at least October. I think somewhere near the end of this year I’ll start to come out of my fog and I’ll have some self esteem and pride in what I’ve accomplished. Perhaps I will have been volunteering for a while by then. Maybe my website will be up and running.

Best of all, perhaps I’ll have a couple of people I can call friends.

So even though I often feel ancient and that I will never find anyone at my age, I simply have to put the idea out of my head or I will simply blow it. I will do something stupid. I need to be careful this time. And since I’ve been royally burned, it’s stupid not to be very cautious.

I sent my husband a text today asking if he had that letter from his attorney for me, and if he had some of the bins packed that I took to him. He took an hour to respond but said the letter and some bins will be ready tomorrow. He’s told me so many times for months that the letter will be ready “tomorrow” that I simply can’t believe him. He wrote that he has been slow because he hasn’t felt well. I resisted the urge to say, “Hope you feel better. Call if you need anything.” As I would have done in the past. I said nothing at all. And all I could think is, ‘Why isn’t your girlfriend doctoring you?.’

The pain of that is still so brutal. So inconceivable. Still so raw.

Not only that she existed, but that she’s living in the apartment we shared which is filled with my personal belongings. All I can wonder is what kind of loser she must be! Who would do that?

I don’t want to know. I can’t bear to know. Please don’t tell me.

Today is another one of those meh days where I am just grateful that I’m not profoundly depressed. I am going to fill out that volunteer application now and then sit down with my ACT book.

It feels like Spring is right around the corner.

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