Do I Need To Know About The Other Woman?

Late yesterday I received a call from the woman who trains and organizes the volunteers for the child advocates in the court system. Turns out they had a deadline in which to apply which I wasn’t aware of. They had already had their first day of training yesterday and won’t be training again until Fall. But, she said providing I pass the background check and providing she gets the ok from her supervisor, she would interview me today and allow me to join the other trainees tomorrow.

There is 32 hours of training in all so I’d be busy all day tomorrow, next Wednesday, and the following Friday, plus get some catch up on what took place yesterday.

My interview is at 3 p.m. today and I’m really nervous about it. Not sure what to wear, but I believe the iron needs to come out. And because I get nervous when a police car is behind me when I’m not even doing anything wrong, I’m paranoid about the background check even though I’ve never committed a crime! I just wonder what else shows up on those checks. I have called the police a few times to come and make my husband leave me alone so I can pack. But they just came out as peace keepers. I can’t imagine any surprise that might come up and I know it’s ridiculous of me to get anxious over that!

I feel even worse than yesterday physically and do not plan to go swim today. My ear is becoming more blocked and more painful and my nose is plugged up. I figure a shower and some Tylenol will get me through the interview and I hope to take a nap before then.

I’m so glad she’s trying to fit me in, apparently they have several more slots so it’s worth their while to try to add me to the group. I really hope I get in!

It’s been an incredibly long time since I’ve had an interview of any kind. Thank goodness it’s just for a volunteer position or I’d be even more worked up.

I have to feel that I will probably be accepted and do just fine. After all, my application got there in less than 24 hours and I wasn’t even aware they had planned training coming up. It seems like it’s all meant to be. I hope.

Every single day I end up thinking about my husband and the woman he is now with (and was with before I left him) and I wonder who she is and what she’s like. It’s such an overwhelming and wasteful feeling and I resent having it so much. Even yesterday I struggled with the devil on my shoulder saying, “Just drive over there and see. What’s the harm in that?” But I predict there is great harm in that for yours truly and I know I need to protect myself.

I also have a fear that information will be leaked to me accidentally by his children or one of the few mutual friends we have. They may think I know and say something nonchalantly and then I’ll be forced to pretend I’m not shocked or hurt until I’m out of sight and then fall apart. You can see that I’m taking this too far and thinking it out too much.

I would love it if anyone who has been through the experience of “another woman” would reinforce my feeling that it won’t do me any good to know and in fact might set my progress back if I were to know more about or see the other woman. I need the support, so if you have any for me, please leave it in the comments below.

Whatever she’s like, it’s not important. What matters is that my husband abandoned me for her — the fault is with him.

I’m probably going to get an angry call from him today. I sent him an email this morning asking him to write an email to his daughters saying something to the effect of:

Dear _____ and _____,
K_____  has asked me to tell you that I promise to give her half of my settlement money when my lawsuit is over because it is right that we share those proceeds evenly as we shared all of K___’s assets while we were married and she now has no money at all and no way to start her life over. She feels insecure that I will keep my word and asked me to make this promise in front of you so that she has some peace of mind.
I will keep my promise to her.

I think he won’t want to do that, and even if he does he still might break his word. He comes from a culture where it is normal to lie about something you feel is just and have no guilt about it later. He thinks his own cause is more worthy than mine. He thinks I’m happy to live the rest of my life in my parent’s guest bedroom while he uses all “his” money to bring his family to America and start his own new life. I can’t allow him to cut me out. I have to be assertive. My future depends on it.

I’ve mentioned before that it would appear my husband plans to now make a career out of suing people. He said he plans to ruin the man he is suing now and then turn around and sue the first attorney he used who flubbed up the case, cost him a lot of time, and then billed him a huge amount for it.

Meanwhile he sees this first attorney and socializes with him in order to give the man a false sense of security, but he’s told me he has no intention of paying him at all.

I’m not sure why my husband thinks I should take his word at anything. I’ve watched him for eight years. I know how he thinks. He would leave me out if he could because he has justified that I just don’t deserve it.

Once again I feel such shame that I was ever with such a dishonorable man. Especially on the heels of a relationship with an utterly honorable man. I feel dirty. My next relationship is going to be with an honest man who keeps his word or it will be with no man at all.

I will redeem myself.

But it will make all the difference in the world if I have some money to help me get on my feet. If you’re new to the blog, I had more than $200,000 worth of assets and a great credit score when I met him, and now all I have is a huge amount of debt. He owes it to me.

Oh no. Sure enough he just called and left me a message to call him. I’m too nervous. I want to keep these conversations to email or text where they can be proof of our conversations.

If you have any advice on how to handle these temptations to find out more about the other women, please comment below.

— Later —

Spent over an hour in an interview with the child advocate people. They can’t say definitively that I will be accepted as a volunteer until my background check is complete, but they’ll let me join the training that is underway. So, tomorrow from 8:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. I’ll be busy learning about this agency and other agencies in town that help child victims of abuse.

Next week I’ll have 16 more hours of training. After that, providing the background stuff is ok, I’ll volunteer at least eight hours a week. The more you are able to volunteer, the more you will learn, which will make you more valuable. The volunteers actually conduct interviews of victims and their families so it’s a position which takes a great deal of training. Amazing, isn’t it?

They asked if I thought I could handle it given the heavy subject matter, and I said I thought I could, but I won’t know until I try it. I told them that I am a walking example of someone who has been helped by this community and that I’d like to give back what’s been given to me.

The romantic idea of this taking place at a courthouse was way off. They have their own facility so that the families can come to one place for several of their needs. Still, it sounded really intriguing and I am eager to find out more.

Wish me luck!


4 responses to “Do I Need To Know About The Other Woman?

  1. I don’t think you need to know about the other woman. It won’t matter to you or your future. If you two had children together it would be different. In my case we did have children (were married 18 yrs) and I wish I had known more about the other woman. I found out too late that she was an alcoholic and she did some horrible, horrible things. What I did know was that she magically “stole” my teenage children from me, in the sense that they loved being around her (like a really fun big sister) and avoided me. Now I know why. She also never had her own children and couldn’t have any children. Not only did my children become “hers” but my only granddaughter was raised by her as “her” child. This woman even at one point tried to legally take my granddaughter away from my daughter. Which of course the court laughed at but cost me $15,000 because my daughter did not have the money for a lawyer.

    Your life will go on without this man and who he’s with or what he does won’t have any effect on your life. You cannot control what he does either because he will do what he wants and in his mind he has no obligation to you. I can tell you already that she is not a good person for having gotten involved with a married man and moved into your home with your things there. She is not someone you would want to know any more about.

    • Amen. And wow, Cynthia. We always think we have it bad until we hear what others have been through. I am very lucky I do not have children with him, indeed!

      It’s so sad that you had to go through all that just to protect your family. Your husband must have seemed like a stranger to you as mine does to me.

      Thank you for reenforcing what I knew in my heart. I appreciate the support. I hope your life is better now.

  2. I haven’t read back much so I don’t know what the case is about but I wonder from his behaviour if his case is actually as solid as he thinks – is he definitely going to get this settlement?

    In the “other woman” scenario – not it DEFINITELY does not help knowing who they are and what they are up to, it just encourages you to obsess when you could be moving on..

    • I do believe he’ll get something, but God only knows how much. If it’s too little, he really won’t want to share with me. Plus it could come in two months or a year or more, so I can’t get too excited about it. It’s the only way, however, for me to recoup some of my huge losses, so I can’t help but think about it.

      You’re so right about knowing more about the other woman. It would indeed cause me to obsess when I should be moving on.

      Thanks, Lucy!

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