Monthly Archives: March 2014

Mostly Shame

Not a great day. A lot of realizations. Too much negativity. Some despair.

I woke up today with one of those areas sort of between your neck and shoulder blade that hurt really bad. I knew it would only get worse since I’ve had them before. I took some Aleeve and put a hot pack on it.

I went to swim to see if I could loosen it. Swimming didn’t hurt it, but didn’t seem to help it much, either. I’m home now with heat on it again. But while I swam, on my first lap of the breast stroke, I pulled a muscle almost near my groin and it was very annoying. So I felt a bit like I was falling apart. But I quit swimming after about 40 minutes because I began to cry into my goggles and when you’re crying, you don’t swim well.

I started thinking about how pathetic I am and I felt so worthless and unlovable. I came home and took an anti-anxiety pill. I have about five left. I called in for another 15.

I thought volunteering would change my life. I thought having my website would change my life. Nothing changes my life.

I don’t have a single friend. Not one human on earth I can turn to and get out of the house with.

I am so ashamed of everything. Of having no friends. Of being broke and broken at 56. But mostly I am ashamed that I somehow feel I could still love a man who treated me so vilely.

I’m not talking about just since the breakup. No. I’m talking seven years of really bad behavior on both our parts, but he took fighting to a level I didn’t know anyone could. He called me names you would not call your worst enemy. He called my family names at times. He hit below the belt often.

Like a PTSD victim I can easily close my eyes and be back there in a heartbeat. Him screaming at me and hurting me to my core. Breaking me. Blaming me for all of our troubles.

He’s a fascinating person with a lot of charisma. He also can be extremely inspiring. But he’s the most opinionated person you’ll ever meet. Usually people either love or hate him. No in-between.

Of course I am convinced that it was my behavior that made him that angry which is textbook abused-victim behavior.

There is so much I didn’t like about him, but in my current condition I can’t seem to remember them. I only remember that I may be alone for the rest of my life. And not only alone, but desperately poor. And that I may never be intimate with a man again.

But I can’t remember how he stayed awake all night and slept all day. And when he was awake he was on the phone with his family who were far away. I was always in the background. And when the calls stopped, I’d serve him dinner. And when dinner was over, he’d leave and not be home until one or two a.m.

Night after night after night.

And because he was unable to work for anyone, we used up every penny I had until I didn’t have a penny left. Not only that, but profoundly in debt. All the debt was in my name. He was too new to the country to get credit.

But I picture his face and his mouth moving fast and I hear the voice getting high pitched and can’t even figure out what he’s saying, but he’s saying it. All the cruel, obscene, hateful, hurtful insults you can imagine.

And a few times there was physical violence. And one time in particular when I knew he could kill me and might kill me. That last year in England was a complete nightmare. I was putting in my time until I could come back home. I wanted to leave without him but he wouldn’t let me. I thought, fine, I’ll bring him home and then I’ll leave him. And I pretty much did that, but then he begged me, literally on his knees to come back to him, and I did.

Six months later he dropped me like a hot potato.

He’s kept me from my possessions. He’s fucked other women. He’s played with my head. He wants to be thought of as a good person, but in truth he’s a jerk.

So why do I feel that I love him? I couldn’t possibly love him. So what is wrong with me?

Together we redesigned the logo for my website. He put it up and the circle wasn’t circular, it was oval. I told him right away that it needed to be round, or gone, but not oval. And for two days I looked at that thing and it bothered me so much. And every six hours I emailed him asking about fixing it. He kept saying he would do it. And finally I sent him an email today, in bold red font, that he just needs to take the oval off and I’ll be satisfied with the logo without it.

An hour later I looked at the site and the oval is gone, but now the font is stretched too tall. I texted him and said please can you make it normal height. I feared he’d leave the stretched version up there for two days like he did the oval. He wrote back that I “am ill” and other choice words.

He’s right. I am ill. I realize he’s doing me this favor.

When I got out of swimming he texted that he was still working on it. I just wrote back and said, “Never mind. It’s fine the way it is. Please send me the logo when you can.” And I will try, with all my might, not to bother him with my website any more. Dealing with him is making my life harder. I don’t need that.

I need a few days of absolutely no contact whatsoever. I need to try to get in to see my counselor. I need to read my ACT book and the handouts my counselor gave me. Maybe it’s pathetic of me to fight this and try to be proactive and feel that there’s hope for me to have a life with a good man, but the only alternative is suicide. Death sounds pretty appealing to me today, I’ll be honest. But I’m doing everything I can to hope that tomorrow will be better.

I am now appropriately high from my ativan. So I will go do the chores I promised mom I’d do for company later this week.

I am so tired of feeling sad and desperate.

I am pretty sure I’m a good person with a lot of love to give, but I’m not certain.

I thank everyone who reads this “blog.” It is rather pathetic. And not all all inspiring as I had intended it to be. I am just hanging on.


Weighday, Guilt, and Stress

It’s Weighday and I don’t have absolutely definitive news. The scale behaved oddly as it does sometimes. I stepped on it and it read 209.3 but immediately changed to 207.7. I got on and off it twice more, and it said 207.7. I’ve decided to call it 208 for today. Hope I’m right. This means I am finally in the home stretch to being under 200 pounds.

Starting at 267 I honestly could not imagine I could get below 200 pounds, but now I am certain I can. It may take me a month, but I’ll get there. And from there I will continue to get even more fit. It takes longer than I’d like, but it’s good for me to practice patience and also, if I took it off much faster it might not be too healthy.

Part of me wishes so much that I could fast forward and have most of the rest of the weight gone and much of the pain of my separation behind me. But that would mean not experiencing today, and I wouldn’t want that either. I am learning about myself and my ability to handle things every day. It’s not fun, nor pretty, but it’s important.

A couple of weeks ago I changed my Netflix password because I felt resentful knowing my husband and his girlfriend are enjoying entertainment on me. Then I felt terribly guilty about it. I implied to him that I canceled the subscription. But today he said his daughter wanted to use it and so he said he’d ask me if I canceled it or just changed the password. I told him I’d get in touch with her. He said, “So that means you changed the password.” I said, “Yes. I didn’t feel like paying for entertainment for you and your girlfriend.” He said, “That’s fine. I don’t use it anyway.”

And I’m feeling guilty.

What’s wrong with me?

I think I truly can’t get it through my thick skull that we are not together and will never be together again. I really can’t. I am so ashamed of myself.

This is going to be a stressful week. My brother, his wife, and newborn are all coming to visit. It’s the first time we’ve seen the baby in person. I am very excited about it, as we all are, but my mom… She is insane when guests are coming, but triply so when my brother is involved.

He asked if they could use their car while here rather than rent a car, so she took the car in, bought new tires and gave it a complete tune up. She bought baby furniture. And now she’s planning menus that are driving me insane.

My dad and I are just trying to smile and nod as we attack her “honey do” list which grows by the day. Oh, and the dogs which don’t need it, are going in for grooming on Tuesday. The lawn guys have been here and will be coming back. She’s a wreck. An absolute wreck. All for a three day visit. Three days.

She does this at holidays too. I don’t know how she can say she gets any enjoyment out of holidays or visits when she is so emotionally ruined by the time they happen. And she is aware of it, but shrugs it off as one more thing she can’t do anything about.

And I am sick of people behaving as though they can’t change. Especially when they see that their behavior is wrong and makes you and everybody else miserable.

It is going to be a long week.

I should be pleased with myself for continuing to lose weight and instead I’m stressed about my mother’s behavior and guilty over withholding my Netflix password from my husband. Something that costs less than $10 a month. Am I pathetic?

Don’t answer that.

He has been updating my logo and it’s not easy work. But you’ll recall that I still pay a considerable amount each month to pay his cell phone bill. It’s not like me to be selfish about these things. But he’s not my man any longer. And I don’t want to pay for him and his sweetheart to be entertained. Let her give him her Netflix password.

I am really hurting today.

Turning a corner? Not today. Today it’s all breaks.

Sunday Stats
Starting weight: 267 (mid October 2013)
Today’s weight: 208
Total weight loss to date: 59 pounds
Height: 5’8″
Goal weight: about 150 (about 58 pounds to go)

When You Overthink Things

I’m such a fucking idiot. I’ve changed my clothes and gotten into bed. I’m such a loser.

We were supposed to go see The Grand Budapest Hotel. I’ve waited a year for it to come out. I asked my parents if they wanted to come, they said yes.

My mom starts saying she wants to do this errand and that errand on the way and she’s counting back the time of when we should leave. I began to fear that by the time we got there, the best seats will be gone. They like to get to the theater with two minutes to spare and I can’t do that.

I offered to go first in my car, buy the tickets, and hold the seats.

Everything fell apart from there. Nobody’s going to the movies. We’re all mad at one another. I feel like an idiot.

This is all because my mom likes to put things off so that we have no cushion time, and I am obsessed with being places early. Perhaps I am a control freak. I told them I was so sorry, that it must be part of my obsessive compulsive tendencies that I fear I’ll be late.

Mom said, “We weren’t going to be late.” I said, “I just hate for you to have to leave so early. I can easily hold the seats.” She saying, “How. How can we get in?” “I’ll put a coat and sweater over it.” It naturally fell apart because it was ridiculous.

She said, “You can sit where you like and dad and I will sit where we like.” I said, “Mom, why go to the movies together if we’re not going to sit together?”

I really hate it when plans get complicated and I said, “Forget it. I’m sorry. I’ll go see it Monday.” Passive aggressive.

And so, after waiting a year to see a movie. I’m in bed and just took an anti anxiety pill. My mom’s fishing in the fridge for something to eat tonight since her plans are all ruined. I am despising myself.

To top it all off, I completely forgot that I had a counseling session today and I missed it.

Fuck. I hate myself right now.

No wonder no one can live with me.

I am so sad.


That was yesterday. It will come as no surprise that I cried, took an ativan, and a nap. When I got up I was still so embarrassed that my fear of being late ended up ruining our whole afternoon and evening. I still feel so stupid about it today, although things are pretty normal between us all.

I take all the blame for that. I could have easily said, “You know, I want to get really good seats. I’ll go ahead and save our seats, and you guys come in when you’re ready.” But they kept wondering why we’d need two cars at the mall. They’re right. I’m weird.

So I feel foolish that I care about getting good seats as well. I mean, I should just act like I’m going to the movies, like other normal human beings. You go. You find a seat. You sit. You watch the movie.

Then today, I had another really good hard swim, and I go into the locker room and a huge woman has blocked my way with her mobility scooter thing and so I had to change my routine and ended up dropping my water bottle on my bare toes. And in my head I cursed her and her stupid mobility scooter. And at once I hated myself for being so mean. If you can’t have patience with a woman who requires a damned scooter to get around, god help you.

This is all about self loathing, I feel fairly certain.

I’ve noticed that after my husband flirts with me, I get very crabby for a couple of days. I wrote to him yesterday and said, very briefly, “Stop flirting with me and talking about sex with me. It is making me miserable.” No reply.

It’s so hard to resist him when he shows me attention. That familiar voice on the phone. Laughing at things that we know make the other one laugh. Knowing things only the other one knows. Speaking intimately with someone when you have no one else to speak to.

We spoke really briefly today about the new logo he’s designing for me for my website. I kept it to business and hung up as quickly as I could. But last night, I’ll admit, I was thinking about the other woman.

I’m in an angry phase. I’m hating myself when I need to be gentle with myself. I must be much more firm about interacting with him. Also I’m worried about little or no weight loss tomorrow.


I need to chill.

I need to forgive myself. I’m a flawed and sometimes fragile human being. Most of us are. Let’s be gentle with one another.


When The Flirtation is Not a Compliment

I think I am turning that corner in dealing with and accepting the demise of my marriage, but it’s a super wide corner that’ll take me months to complete and I’m only at the beginning of the curve. I had great swims yesterday and today, and my husband was not on my mind much, but more than I’d like.

He called me this morning to tell me about his appointment with his attorney yesterday. As usual we digressed and he teased about giving me $1,000 to have sex with me. I said, “I’m afraid to say I’m not worth $1,000.” I also told him to be more sensible with his money.

I told him that I had spent months throwing myself at him and since he is not interested I will eventually find someone who is. I said I want to be in a monogamous, committed relationship with someone who adores me. He then went on to tell me that adoration isn’t the end all be all. It’s the desire for sex which must be foremost.

I disagree with him for the most part, but I began to feel so hurt, as though I had withheld it from him. Or as if I didn’t enjoy sex. I did, very much. But the more stressful things got, the harder it was and not just for me, for both of us. Plus he was gone literally seven nights a week, so we were lucky to fit it in in the afternoons between his many phone calls.

He’s borrowed someone’s car, so that also makes me wonder but I have to shove it out of my mind. It’s just not my concern, is it? No. It’s not.

He said his attorney wants to take his case to trial in order to get more money. He wants to meet me in a couple of weeks to see how I’d be as a witness. My husband told him that I was all American, tall, blonde, green eyes, and cries easily. Well, I do cry easily so I’ll make a great witness, I guess.

He said his friend wants to open a business here in Eugene and cut him in on it. I said, “Good luck” with that friend who promised us so many times he’d help us start a business. But this friend has been more or less bankrolling my husband for months now, so he’s lucky to have a friend like that.

That friend is just one who prefers my husband to be single like he is. And when that 50 year old is in a relationship, it’s usually with a college student. And he buys her very, very expensive gifts. It’s creepy, I’ll be honest.

Remember that kid’s song “One of these things is not like the other. One of these things doesn’t belong.” Well, I am the thing that didn’t belong. I’m still really mad at myself for continuing to feel love and desire for him. So mad, you can’t imagine.

Why’d he have to go and f*ck someone? He probably wanted to know what an un-fat American woman was like…

And his flirting. Most of us enjoy a little innocent flirtation, but he should STOP doing that to me. I tell him I don’t need him to boost me up and he says he’s not boosting me up and that I’m “an attractive woman who won’t find it difficult to find a new lover.” He asked me if I wanted a younger man. This is absurd. I don’t want to talk about what I want with him! I told him the conversation was making me sad and I needed to get to the pool.

His flirtations are on one hand sort of nice to hear. Nice to know someone desires you. BUT, he has told me on more than one occasion that a man will f*ck “anything” meaning ANYTHING, from weight to height, ugly to pretty, everything. So it’s not like I feel truly complimented. And do I think men will f*ck anything? Some will, some won’t. I try not to generalize.

But I don’t want to be with a man who will f*ck anything. Yet I do want a man who still finds sex, well, sexy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not obsessed with it. I’m not even kinky. I am simply not ready to give it up yet.

He told me some weeks ago to go find a man now. I said no. “First I’m not ready. And second, I don’t want to be with a man who finds a 200 pound woman attractive.” I know that seems harsh, but I want more from myself and from other people. Being that overweight is not good for you and I don’t find it attractive in myself. I don’t like having people see me and think I might be lazy, or whatever it is that thinner people think of fat people.

I wish I could meet a new man right now. I need the distraction. It will help me to keep my husband at arm’s length. If I met an older attractive man right now… sigh…

I don’t even know how much I mean that.

I have one conflicting emotion after another.

The only good news is that The Grand Budapest Hotel is FINALLY in our city and my parents and I are going to see it this afternoon. I’m so excited. I’m a huge Wes Anderson fan.

It’s Friday, creeping towards Weighday, and I’ll be honest, I have no idea if I’ve lost weight. I’ve tried. My goal is to be no more than 209 on Sunday.



Am I Turning a Corner?

I noticed something when I was swimming today. My husband isn’t haunting my thoughts as much. And I don’t seem to be dwelling on the other woman. I was having quite a bit of message and phone contact with him while he was fine tuning my website, but now it’s basically done and I have no reason to contact him.

I sort of wish I had a reason to contact him. On the other hand I’m relieved not to.

He played with my head and that wasn’t nice. Now that I think of it he did call me yesterday to tell me he will be meeting with his attorney later this week. We kept the conversation to that business and then hung up.

I don’t know if I’ve hit some sort of milestone or if I’ll be acutely depressed tomorrow over him and his girlfriend, but for the last few days I am okay, and for that I am grateful. Just knowing it’s possible to have fairly normal days is a relief. It makes me hopeful for the future.

I volunteered at the kids center yesterday and today. Both cases were child sex abuse cases and both were very young girls. I feel as sorry for the mothers as I do the kids. The children aren’t dwelling on it, but their mothers are completely freaked out. And it’s important that they don’t let their kids see that so that their lives can get back to normal as quickly as possible. The experts say that with kids as young as I’ve seen, under four years of age, probably will have no recollection of what happened to them. I hope so.

Swimming is hard for me these last few weeks and I’m not sure why. I’ve tried to improve my stroke recently. I felt I was using too much forearm and not enough whole arm and shoulder to stroke and so I’ve been working on that.

When I first started doing laps my main goal was to move for at least an hour. Because I was rusty and out of shape, I often had to resort to a really slow stroke that I had seen on the Guardian website called Total Immersion. But as I work to improve my stroke I have noticed that the improved movements are not conducive to slower swimming. In other words, I must swim a bit harder to be able to do the stroke properly. So, perhaps I am more fatigued simply because I’m giving myself a harder workout.

And that’s okay. I want to swim faster. I’m envious of the swimmers who are really moving in their lanes. Every now and then I go all out for a length, but I can’t keep that up. Today it felt like every stroke was hard. It takes me until about lap 35 to feel fully warmed up and then by lap 55 I’m really tired again.

My size 18 Speedo is already feeling big so I’m wondering if it stretched because I have not lost much weight since I bought it. Annoying. I ordered a pack to haul my pool stuff around from Speedo and it should arrive in a few days. I also bought some stuff to organize my toiletries better. I figure any money spent on making my workout better is money well spent.

This is the pack I ordered. There were many colors to choose from, but I liked this one — it felt sort of retro to me:



Last night I was really uncomfortable with my gallstones and whatever else is going on inside me. I probably should call my doctor, but I just can’t face that right now. My gallbladder has been scanned twice and it is filled with gallstones. I’ve read all over the internet that people who have gallstones and lose weight too quickly increase their chances of a gallbladder attack so I’m shocked I haven’t had one. Last night I feared I was in for one, but it eased up.

Tomorrow I will swim, take care of some tax stuff and then I hope to go to this huge used book store downtown and take photos for an article I want to write for my website. I type that here so that I actually go and do it. I have no more shifts at the kids center this week, so I need to keep busy.

Thanks for reading.


Weighday with Barely a Loss

I knew it. You always know when you’re not going to lose weight. I weighed 210.4 today, which is .7 of a pound less than last Sunday. I’m pretty disappointed. I guess 3/4 of a pound is better than gaining.

I will try harder this week. By next Sunday I will weight under 210. I need to focus harder to get under that 200 lb mark.

I saw my husband yesterday. I picked up some of my art supplies and other things he rounded up for me. He stood at the door of my car and chatted about his lawsuit and other things. He didn’t seem eager to have me go. After a few minutes I said, “Well, I need to get to the pool.” And I drove away. That was hard to do.

I’m sort of getting the feeling the other woman may not be so prevalent anymore. He messages me at night while he’s working on my website, which means he’s home at his computer and not out having fun with her. Perhaps she’s just out of town.

He looked so fragile and pathetic to me. I was very glad he didn’t come on to me. I hope he doesn’t. Yet as I write that I hope he does. I really hope he doesn’t. Oh man… I don’t think he will anyway since he “fancies me but doesn’t want to live with me.” I’ve at least made it clear that being his f*ck buddy is not of interest to me.

I imagine him saying, “I love you.” And me saying it back, because I still feel it. I don’t like myself for feeling it. I’m ashamed of myself.

Sometimes I think this break up proved to me, too late, that I actually loved him far deeper than I realized. Other times I think I’m just kidding myself because it’s so difficult dealing with his rejection of me. I’ll never know.

I’m busy these days, and that’s a good thing. Thanks for reading.

Sunday Stats
Starting weight: 267 (mid October 2013)
Today’s weight: 210
Total weight loss to date: 57 pounds
Height: 5’8″
Goal weight: about 150 (about 60 pounds to go)

Mediocre Friday, but No Complaints

Another week is coming to a close. I was busy, and I’m not always great at learning to go with a new schedule, or non schedule. I don’t like being a person who insists upon a routine, so I like to challenge myself by not having such a set one, but it is a challenge.

I am finding myself getting a bit snippy today and wonder why. I had two, four hour shifts volunteering at the kids center this week and that went really well. I worked very hard on my website, I swam on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and today. But as always my husband is on my mind.

I was thinking about how he kissed me and my confusion over that. I realize it had nothing to do with him wanting me back as a wife, but everything to do with his ego and his ability to control me. I come from an era (or perhaps a mindset) where turning a man down is considered bad form and I’ve never known how to stop being that way. In so many ways I should hate him for how’s he has treated me yet it just feels like wasted effort. Also, until I have half of that settlement money, I really can’t afford to alienate him too much.

If the money comes then I can decide how much I want him in my life. But the kissing — that won’t happen again, as much as I’d like it to.

He said he still fancies me, he just doesn’t want to live with me. So who does he want to live with? Let me know so I can find her, compare myself to her, and feel worse about myself, please.

I am glad to be wearing normal clothes that actually fit me — it’s been so long. At the same time, I look at my face in the mirror and really do not like what I see. I suppose it’s from losing weight and gravity and age, but I feel I can see nothing but those creases from the corners of my mouth down my chin. It’s either gotten really bad or the lighting in my mom’s bathroom is bad, or both.

I don’t want to feel so suddenly old. I was in denial before, plus when you’re fat, your face is plumper and you’re just not aware of what is happening. Now there’s the sag, the wrinkles, the feeling of extra skin. Honest to god, I thought if I get enough money I might consider a face lift! I would have never thought I’d ever feel that way!

But I’ve mentioned this weeks ago that I really didn’t know what I’d look like thinner because I’ve been fat for so long. I wish I had someone in my life who knew I was pretty and still thinks I’m pretty, but I have no one like that.

I recall looking at my sister last year when she was here. She is tall and thin, but due to gastric bypass surgery. Also she was bigger than I was — she got to 350 pounds, so she had a lot of loose skin, and she’s a heavy smoker. So although she is four years younger than I am, I felt that she looked older. Now that I am creeping towards a normal weight, I’m not so sure! I know, I know, I keep telling myself that it is what it is and the important part is being healthy and fit… I know.

I’ve been trying to improve my freestyle stroke and finding it really challenging. I read that most coaches suggest you exhale through your nose and that’s not working for me very well. I can do a combination of both mouth and nose, but just nose is causing me to end up with water where I don’t want it.

And the stroke. I think I really need to work on my stroke. It seems no matter how many videos I watch on YouTube, there are no two ways of teaching proper stroke technique. Just when I think my stroke is ok I realize my feet are hardly doing anything back there! It’s really a lot to think about at once, kicking, stroking, breathing, alignment. I find if I think about better kicking technique that my strokes become sort of mechanical and jerky.

I think perhaps in a month, when I can afford it, I need to pay for a few lessons. No need to keep doing something wrong, especially when I do it so much.

My fear of sharing too much or being awkward at the kids center was unfounded. I can tell I’m doing fine and doing well at learning the job. I think I’ll be really glad that I stuck with it.

I think I may not lose weight this week and that perhaps being nervous about the job might have made me snack a bit too much. I always think about Weighday (Sunday) on Fridays and Saturdays and consequently don’t eat a lot on those two days.

Even though I’m at the large end of the sizes at Old Navy, it’s such a treat to walk through the store and know that most of the clothing I see is available in my size. Their clothes are not super high quality, but that’s ok, since I hope to be going through a size every four to six weeks. The good thing about “skinny jeans” is that you can keep wearing them until they are normal jeans, more or less.

If, for more than 15 years you’ve only been able to buy clothes at Lane Bryant or plus size clothing sections, it’s almost joyful to not feel so left out, and to buy clothes that are cheaper!

I’m still hoping that in a month or so, I’ll treat myself to a spring/summer dress to wear with sandals.

I know this will sound odd, considering I still have a good 50 pounds to lose, but it’s hard to imagine feeling smaller than I do now. I’m very aware of how much space I take up and it’s hard to believe that I will take up even less space. I almost feel as though I’m disappearing! It’s hard to remember that that’s what healthy bodies are supposed to look like. I imagine it’s because I’ve gotten used to my size and the longer I keep the weight off the more I’ll get used to what it feels like to take up the appropriate amount of space.

Even when I’m in my suit at the pool I imagine that I look slender when I couldn’t possibly look slender. I think that’s part of just feeling fit. I’m glad, at least, that I’m not really too self conscious when I’m walking from the locker room to the pool. Plus, I try to remind myself I’m there to exercise and that’s the only reason I’m there.

There was an enormous naked woman in the shower yesterday and I thought she was incredibly brave to bare it all that way. I walked past her again on my way to the changing room and she was sitting in her undies on the bench in front of the lockers being interviewed on the phone by some short term care facility after her husband’s recent stay there. She was saying how he’s not the easiest of patients because he has some dementia and I thought to myself that we just don’t know the burdens other people are carrying around with them. And kudos for her for taking some time out of her day to do something good for her, like getting in the water.