Reminders, Motivation, Regrouping

Sometimes I forget that I am transforming myself and starting my life again. I had become a completely unproductive member of society and I’ve spent the last 4+ months trying to undo that. More than fifteen years being a mess and only a few months attempting to change myself. I should cut myself some slack.

Leaving a tumultuous and abusive marriage, gaining understanding and control of my many emotional problems, starting a fitness program and attempting to lose a significant amount of weight is a lot to do at once. I’ve been so lucky that I have been living with my parents so that I have the luxury to make these changes.

When (if) I pass the background check for this volunteer position will be a big step towards making me feel like a normal member of society. I’ll be terribly deflated if I get bad results.

For several weeks I’ve said that “I’m not sure if I’ll lose weight this week” and I think that’s a warning sign. Real life makes me nervous. Being nervous makes me eat mindlessly. I do not think I’ll lose any weight this week and that makes me sad. I do not want to lose only a pound a week because it’ll take me so very long to get near goal weight at that rate. And an even worst case scenario is that I stop losing altogether and begin to gain. I can’t do that. I simply can’t.

I tell my psychiatric nurse practitioner and my therapist that there are certain things, like psychiatric hospital stays and suicide attempts, that will never again be a part of my future because I refuse for them to be a part of my future. I need to feel the same way about my weight loss. I refuse to be fat any longer. Being fat will not be a part of my future.

It’s very early on Saturday and I can’t sleep due to this head cold. My head, ears, and throat hurt bad and I know I really should not swim today. That disappoints me, but I think it’s for the best. We’ll see what I end up doing later.

I’m such a creature of habit. I was going to the pool six days a week for so many weeks, and then real life appointments began to poke holes at that. I knew it would be a challenge for an “all or nothing” person like myself and it is. But I must buck up and be stronger and more committed. Real life means interruptions and schedule changes. Deal with it.

If I will be spending some time each week volunteering, I will need to plan my meals ahead and when I come home I must not eat out of nervousness. This is going to take some planning, commitment, and strength. I’ll fit exercise around things too.

I sat down a couple of days ago to look at what my local community college offers as far as a degree in anything to help me get into the field of social services. After a while I was completely discouraged because I don’t feel I can make such a huge investment in time at school (not to mention money). I could attempt to get a two year degree, but that won’t guarantee me of a job. It’s one more regret that I never went to college. Well, I took a lot of art classes but that won’t help me now!

I am still quite bummed that I am not able to work on my website. It would make a huge difference to my self esteem. My husband says he’ll work on it (because he wants me to keep paying his cell phone bill), but he hasn’t done a thing on it in a month. I’m so tired of being made a fool. I think I’ll have to tell him that as of this next payment, I’ll go in and cancel his line. The problem is that my emotions get the better of me. What would he do if he couldn’t get a phone?

He’s thrown me in the trash and yet I worry about what he’d do without a phone. I’m either kind or completely twisted.

It’s just so hurtful after I gave him every penny I had, then he cheats on me and abandons me, and I am still paying for him.

I did ask him to make a statement in an email to his daughters that he will give me half of his settlement, but he said that it doesn’t concern them and he doesn’t want them to know the amount of the settlement because he fears they’ll tell his mother, who will want him to give her some — WHICH HE SHOULD.

I didn’t want to involve them either or tell them the amount of the settlement. But I wish some other people knew of the promises he makes to me.

If I had my wish I would get part of his settlement money and invest a small amount (less than $5,000) into my website and then really dedicate myself to it to see if I can make some money at it. I’ve always wanted to have my own business. But I’m not sure if I’m being delusional and I’m not sure my website can make money. Only some investment in time and money will tell.

While I do that I can continue volunteering, and I can begin to work with local agencies which exist just to help small businesses succeed. I’d be meeting all sort of people from many walks of life. I’ll be busy which is also something new to get used to.

I’ll get my own small apartment and I’ll still spend a lot of time with my parents and life will be okay and I might meet someone special. I’ll also spend time in the outdoors and being healthy. My goals aren’t lofty. They’re doable. The problem is me. I’m not normal. But I must pretend to be or my future will suck. “Fake it ’till you make it” applies to me.

Eventually I hope to meet an interesting, witty, intelligent man. One who appreciates my colorful past but believes in my ability to change. I want to have a vegetable garden in the backyard, I want him to tell me what he knows about wine and learn to SCUBA dive together. I want to take trips with him to Europe, and I want to make love with him.

That is the future I want, ultimately and that is what I will strive for.


2 responses to “Reminders, Motivation, Regrouping

  1. Have you thought of doing your own website? You can use wordpress, which you already know how to use.

  2. Yes, Cynthia, I used a WordPress website before, and I can manage it really well after it’s set up for me. I don’t know how to put the logo on, for example, and I’ve tried and tried! So I really only need an expert’s help for a few hours and then I can run with it. It would probably cost me less than $500 to have it all set up, but I don’t have that right now. Still, now that you’ve mentioned it, I may try it again. Can’t hurt to try, meanwhile I’d become an expert myself. See how inspirational you are?

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