A Little Bit of Compassion

I ate okay yesterday. Not great, but probably good enough. Woke up today eager to get in the pool but it was really hard to warm up. It took me the whole first half hour to feel like I was up to speed. I’ve been having Cheerios with soy milk for breakfast and even though I wait at least an hour and a half, I feel like I have a brick in my stomach when I start to do laps. I think I should go back to the boiled egg with toast, or mushrooms on toast which worked well for me.

I don’t know why my husband just won’t say he does not want to work on my website and why he insists on sending me mixed messages. I decided it wasn’t right to act like I was blackmailing him to work on my website or I’ll stop paying his cell phone bill, so I told him for the time being I will pay it just for the sake of his daughters. I don’t want them to have a hard time getting in touch with their father.

Also, as much as he’s hurt me and done wrong by me, he is still more or less a foreigner in this country and I can’t abandon him completely. But that’s the difference between us, I have empathy and compassion even while he’s giving it to some other woman.

I also said to him that if his mother or girlfriend can pay for him to get his own phone, please do that. Do not make a fool of me.

He said he’s been “unwell” for months now. He feels dizzy and can’t sit at the computer for very long. I am sure that’s party true, but also he is quite a hypochondriac at times. Nevertheless, I knew my dad had a spare prescription for antibiotics so I offered it to him. He said thanks anyway.

He smokes at least a pack a day now and is not eating well so I’m not surprised he doesn’t feel well. Don’t know if he’s drinking much.

He told me to buy the template for my website and he’d begin working on it so I did. We messaged back and forth for a couple of minutes and then I said I was going to the pool. He wrote back, “By the way you look really skinny now.”

I wrote, “I’m far from skinny, but am fine with my progress. Going into pool now.”

Here I am wishing he’d be kind to me and he gives me that compliment out of left field, which I really don’t need from him. Still, if that was his attempt to treat me with some decency, I’ll accept it.

So I spent some of my swimming time thinking about his lips and other body parts and wishing there was a better man attached to them. But honestly, I could never be with a man who I now know is capable of treating a loved one as cruelly as he has treated me these last five months. I’m broken and brokenhearted, a long way from healed, but still moving on with my life. Doesn’t keep me from wishing that this was not my reality. I still miss him so.

I will probably find out tomorrow about the background check and will be glad to put that behind me. I have training all day tomorrow and wonder how intense it’s going to get. This is not for the faint hearted! Still, I feel like this is where I need to be.

I told my mom that I’m going to keep losing weight, become such a good volunteer that they hire me, and then I’ll meet some judge or attorney and we’ll live happily ever after. She said, “Why not!”

Why not indeed. In spite of how my husband made me feel, I know I have worth. I  can love and be loved.


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