Sometimes I’m quite embarrassed that what I’m learning now should have been learned 50 years ago. Two days ago I could barely imagine how I’d get through that anxiety, but I muddled through, and yesterday things were completely different. In my past, even my very recent past, I have never been able to realize that it might not be so bad tomorrow. Is that part of being so-called Borderline? I don’t know, and don’t care. It’s just so juvenile and exhausting.
I had some trepidation about going to the pool yesterday, fearful that it would be full of froggy old men but it was a quiet Thursday and I had a very wide end lane all to myself for over an hour. It could not have been better.
I showered and came home and spent the rest of the day working on my website, which has suddenly blossomed and almost looks like a website. I had sent my husband a “WTF” email and he responded angrily and I thought, well, he won’t work on it now, but he did and I finally began to see the website take shape. I am now getting very excited to see if I can make it successful.
My husband asked me to call him and I didn’t really want to, but at the same time I did. We chatted about the site and he became flirtatious with me. He mocked me for giving him such a hard time over the website and I laughed at him. It was so nice for a couple of minutes to recall what we liked about one another. It did make me a bit melancholy but I was so busy later that I couldn’t obsess over it. The rest of the day we communicated via email and messages.
I told him I would be gone all day today and so he would not have me hounding him to do this and that on the site. He asked me where I was going, “If I may ask.” And for a split second I thought about lying and instead, not being a game player, I told him the truth about my volunteer training. He seemed a little amazed and said, “Good for you.” I miss and love that man who I haven’t seen in him for some time. I’m glad to know the loving part of him is still there somewhere. It had vanished for so many months.
I will shamefully admit that his curiosity about what I was up to made me feel good. The old him always wanted to know every detail of my life. That’s why it hurt so much when he barely contacted me. I knew he really didn’t care.
On another note I’m annoyed with myself for having a crush on my psychiatric nurse practitioner. He’s an interesting guy but I can’t say much or I might give his identity away. Trust me, I don’t flirt in our 30 minutes together, but he is amazed at my weight loss and asked me today if I was seeing anyone. I said, “I’ve allowed myself to think about the possibility, but I’m still too broken.” He said it’s better to heal. I suppose having a little crush on him does no harm. It’s probably transference, but he is cute.
Today is my last eight hours of formal training at the “kids center” and I’m curious what’s on the agenda. I only got a few hours of sleep so I might be doing a lot of yawning. Still, I’m a bit thrilled because I got an email yesterday notifying us of a staff meeting next Wednesday and I thought, well, this probably means I passed my background check, but I still haven’t heard anything. Perhaps no news is good news.
I will run now and brush my teeth and put a bit of make up on, but I missed writing here yesterday and wanted to take a few minutes to catch up. It’s good for me to have the training today because I have to keep doing things that remind me that routines are not important and can’t be counted on. That we can have many priorities. I don’t want to spend 60 hours a week working in a vacuum on my website. I also want to swim, volunteer, and be open to other things.
The sun is coming up from the east and it feels really good to be alive.