As you might imagine, having not lost any weight the week before, I was even more nervous about weighing today. Still, in my gut I would have been surprised if I had not lost weight since I was pretty sure I did ok this week for a person who does not count calories.
I stripped down to just my undies and got on the scale first thing today and it read 213.1, so I’ll be brave and call it 213. Last week’s weight was 216 and so it may appear as though I’ve lost three pounds this week, but I doubt I truly have. Weighing is so bizarre! I might have weighed more last week simply because I had a full bowel. Sorry, but it’s true!
But, I am creeping towards the single digits (in the 200s) which feels a bit surreal. I somehow thought I’d look better than I feel like I look by now. But perhaps that’s just me distorting things. On the other hand, why should I look “good” at 213 pounds!?
All I know is that for many years now I’ve said, “If I could only get below 200. If I could only get below 200.” And it’s starting to look like it will happen. I hope I can take a moment to congratulate myself when I get there. Weighing under 200 pounds feels like the real beginning to the new me and hopefully I’ll be there in a month or so.
I swam as much as I was able to this week which was Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday. Yesterday’s workout was good, but I never hit that feel good zone. The pool is closed today. Today is Daylight Savings time and even though it’s still quite soggy out, signs of Spring are everywhere. Things are beginning to bud and bloom. I plan to begin a walking/running program soon because I feel it’s important for me to get some weight bearing exercise in addition to the swimming.
I have two appointments tomorrow, one in the morning to get help with my taxes and one in the afternoon with my therapist. I plan to try to fit swimming in between those two things. On Wednesday I have to attend a staff meeting in the morning, so I might consider for the first time, swimming in the late afternoon. We’ll see. I don’t know how crowded it is then. I’ll need to ask around.
I spent hours and hours on my website yesterday. My problem with my abdomen area was really getting to me. Feeling bloated and painful and like pants are tight, but they’re not tight. I don’t know what’s wrong, but having had that scan, I’m somewhat reassured that it’s not something life threatening like ovarian cancer. I feel that it’s probably some stomach/bowel thing, but I fear telling my doctor that I’m still unwell because I don’t want to start the whole colonoscopy thing.
I was in communication with my husband yesterday, but not too much. As I worked and emailed him and messaged him about challenges I was having with the website, I was hoping he’d say, “Call me” as he did the other day. I am relieved now that he didn’t. But much of the time I swam yesterday I thought about what I loved about him and I mourned him.
I’ve never had a break up like this. I could never have imagined what this would feel like. The man abandoned me while I was still with him and fell in with another woman, then told me if I didn’t leave he would, and he blamed everything on my psychological problems. I should hate him, but I don’t. I never will. And at this moment the idea that he would leave this town and settle somewhere else is repellent to me, but that could change.
Part of the reason I don’t hate him is that I have never seen or heard about the other woman. I have a feeling my feelings would change at that point. That afternoon where I kept saying to him, “Just say it. Say there is another woman.” And then he did. The tiniest part of me actually chooses to believe he said this just to make me go away, but the rest of me knows that he was telling me the truth. Not only is there another woman, but he discarded me in a way that I would have thought inconceivable in the past.
That part will always baffle me. After all we’ve been through he closed his heart to me. The only way that could have happened is if someone else was occupying that space.
I don’t really want him back, but I miss his humor, his quirkiness, and I really miss making love. Or I might say, I do want him back, but I will not allow that to happen because of what I now know he is capable of. Now, when I imagine my future, as murky as it seems, I imagine myself with someone else. Someone more respectable, stable, kind, and even appreciative of what I can bring to the relationship.
When I read articles about women my age who never find another love I get unbelievably depressed so I’ve started avoiding them when I can. It is unacceptable to me not to be sharing my life with someone, caring for someone, being cared for. Not acceptable in the least. So I will hold on to the hope that someone really special will come to me when I’m ready.
In the meantime, keeping busy really does help. At the kids center on Friday, our last day of formal training, I got completely overwhelmed with understanding the procedures. I almost began to panic and then I remembered that this is a volunteer position and that I will be shadowing someone for as long as it takes me to learn to do the job. In time I know that I will be really good at it.
On Friday we were shown drawings done by a five year old who was sexually abused by her uncle. She drew the pictures (basically stick figures) and then told her mom what she wanted her to write on each page. This was as close as I’ve ever been to seeing the sheer unfathomable horror of child sexual abuse. It pained my heart so much to see her drawing what her uncle did to her and I felt such agony when I thought about how I wish she didn’t know any of that stuff.
It was almost overwhelming and I haven’t even seen a child in person yet. I hope I can do this.
The good part is it ended with drawings of her uncle in jail with “good guys” bringing him his food. How she’ll fare is anyone’s guess, but I take a bit of comfort in knowing that often the parents take it harder than the survivors. Not to downplay it at all, but kids are resilient, and of course it all depends on their unique circumstances. Of course, some children are permanently scared and don’t know their boundaries afterwards.
I need to organize my tax information today, do my nails, clean the bathroom and work on my website. I need to remember to get up from the desk at least once an hour because, to be honest, this work is brutal and time consuming. Still, I’m glad to be doing it and am excited and nervous about how it will fare.
I aspire to go with the flow of life this week, and not let anything overwhelm me.
Starting weight: 267 (mid October 2013)
Today’s weight: 213
Total weight loss to date: 54 pounds
Goal weight: about 150