Pure Negativity — Don’t Read

I cried quite a bit at my therapist’s office yesterday. I’m amazed at how demoralized I am suddenly and figure it’s partly due to my comfortable routine being thrown off with the added stress of my website and volunteer work.

She advised me to proceed with caution at the kid’s center because the subject matter may be more than I can handle at this time. I told her I would be cautious and only start with the minimum eight hours per week to see what it was like.

I’m also amazed at how low my self esteem is right now and how I feel so undeserving of having love in my life again. I’m so far from being “better” and I partly wish I did hate my husband so that I’d be forced to move on. How is it possible that I could still love someone who treated me so vilely? I have to wonder what is wrong with me. I began to wonder if I will only ease him out of my heart when someone else is easing into it, which is a horrible thought.

For the first time in my life I want to heal first. I’m so fragile and vulnerable that I can’t imagine just going on a date “for fun.” Not a problem, of course, since I have no idea how I’d meet anyone who’d like to go out with me. If I even imagine such a scenario I imagine I would ruin it by talking about my husband. No, I’m so very far from considering another love.

I told my therapist that every day is such a huge battle that it truly feels as though I’m going to war every single day. The stress of that is almost unbearable. I’m worn out and sleep deprived. I am losing hope that I can do this at all.

But I know that’s just the stress talking and I wonder if I’ve done too much too soon. It should be either the volunteer work or my website, not both. But for now I’ll keep trying to do both since I am desperate not to be a quitter.

No one will ever know what a struggle it has been to try to become a better person, turn my life around, and seek out what I think I deserve. I’m in this war utterly alone and I’m filled with doubts that I am a fraud; a weirdo; and oddball. Only I can’t see it, and everyone else can.

Things have really made a turn for the worst in the last two or so weeks. I think I need to find a way to alleviate some of the stress without feeling I am giving up.

I’m really ashamed at my inability to handle stress. I talk a big game when I’ve got an idea, but when it actually happens I turn and run. I’m looking at my website which is almost done and I’m thinking, what the fuck did you think you could do with this? How can you make money from this? Shit.

And I’m thinking about the kid’s center and whether I can do the job they need me to do. I just don’t know right now.

I’m so sorry. I should not even blog when I am this low. I just want my old life back. I want my husband back. I want to have my things around me. When will it stop? When will this agony stop? It’s been five months since I lived with my husband and I feel like it was yesterday. I am so ashamed. I am so lonely. I did not deserve this.

I did swim today and it was fine. Then I came home and worked for hours on the website again. Until now when I realized it serves no purpose and I’m an idiot.

What on earth can I do?


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