FML

I wrote that “Letter to the woman who stole my husband’s affections” yesterday, and I even sent it to my husband. I told him that if he did read it, I didn’t want to talk about it with him, and he didn’t respond.

I got up and swam today, the weather is glorious out. I thought if I could make it through the long wet winter I would survive this break up —  now I am filled with doubt. I can’t make it at all.

I am utterly alone. I don’t have a single friend. I have my mother, father, and my daughter is two hours away. Those are all the people in the world with whom I interact. I go everywhere alone. I do everything alone.

All I can think of is wanting to be with him. Wanting to drive somewhere with him. Wanting to go out with him. Wanting to make love with him. Wanting to touch him. Wanting to feel him touch me.

Even if he changed his mind, which by now I’m certain he won’t, I could not go back with him. To know that he is capable of hurting me this badly. Forsaking me.  Abandoning me. Discarding me. And while he was with me he found someone he cared more for.

I lost everything I had because of that man. Every penny. My house. My money. My credit. All because I believed in him and in his dreams. And because he felt I didn’t handle my anxiety in a reasonable way, he left me.

I truly cannot go on. But there’s not really anything I can do about that. I do not have any meds to overdose on. I’m not going to drive my car off a cliff. But I have lost all hope for my future.

I must be severely flawed to have chosen him. No one will ever want me. I can’t come into a relationship with friends, with a home, with a life. I’m bankrupt.

I’m 56. The few times I’ve looked at single ads for older men they ALL want younger women. Guess what? I’d prefer a younger man myself. Fuck them. I don’t want a man with erectile disfunction. My husband is 8 years younger than me, and that suited me. I’ll never find a younger man again.

I never thought I’d end up alone at this stage in my life, and it’s absolutely more than I can handle.

I imagine the day just a few months away when we are divorced and I can no longer call him my husband. I don’t want that day to come. I am so ashamed.

I’m sorry. I know no one is reading. But I’m sorry, anyway, for being so down.

I can seem to get out of it for the last several weeks.

I’m going to take an ativan and lie down, even though it’s only 2 in the afternoon.

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2 responses to “FML

  1. I have been reading your posts, but been too busy to comment. I’m not a therapist by any stretch… What I see is you obsessing over missing your husband and this turns into thoughts that you have no friends, no future, no life. But you have done so much! You have a great volunteer position. You have a website that can generate income. You have your swimming. You took care of your taxes. And most awesome is you left your husband and decided to get on with your life.

    Obsessing over missing your husband is not making you happy. Anyone on the outside would say you deserve better. You do not have the option to have him back, so you have no choice but to move on with your life. See him for the jerk he is. He’s the loser, not you! He took all your money then threw you away. He’s a freeloader. He’s abusive. He did not treat you kindly and with love. He abused you to get what he wanted.

    You are a well-spoken, intelligent, kind, caring woman. With some therapy and some positive things in your life, you will go on and be happy. But that won’t happen overnight. Be patient with yourself and always acknowledge what you have accomplished to move on.

    Those obsessive thoughts you have been having are not serving you well. Keep up with your ACT. I’m glad you found a book you can relate to. The workbook is hard in the beginning because it is telling you what you’re “doing wrong” which is hard to swallow, but still we need to know. It does get easier, but it takes practice and time. I still have a long ways to go, but every small victory gives me hope and it can for you too.

    • Cynthia, thank you so much for your encouragement. I honestly don’t know why it’s hitting me so hard all over again. I knew I’d have ups and downs, but it’s been over 5 months and i don’t feel I should still be this upset! I guess it’s because for much of that time I thought we’d reconcile. At any rate, we won’t, as you said. I’m sitting now in bed with my ACT book and hope to read a chapter before I sleep. I do plan to go back to that workbook when I’m done with this book. I know all of what your saying is absolutely true. I just can’t seem to remember it. But I will keep trying. And thank you for taking the time to comment.

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