I’ve had a few ok days and for that I am grateful. My life is moving on and I am going with it, except on the days when I’m not.
I had a meltdown on Sunday after I wrote here, I’m sure that’s not surprising. So I spent time today with my therapist asking how I can remind myself when I’m in the middle of a panic to do the things that will help me like belly breathing. When I’m in that mode, I can’t recall a thing. I’m just on automatic. She copied some exercises for me. I can’t recall what they were except one: throw cold water on your face.
Sounds good, but when I’m panicked I will forget to do that too. Still, I’ll read up and see what I can do. I have to try something. My therapist did note that I did feel the panic coming on, and in the future I can be aware of that, and try to steer my path away from full on panic earlier rather than later.
My husband called me yesterday and we had a nice chat but I should have hung up sooner, because at the end he got inappropriate with me, asking me sexual things, saying he missed my c*nt… (sorry). I wanted to say I missed his you know what too, but I didn’t. He does not need his ego stroked any more. I don’t know why he’d go there in our conversation when he knows that I am struggling so hard to move on. He always denies he is manipulative, but the honest truth is he is a master at it.
Some of the stuff I’m learning with my ACT book, The Happiness Trap, is how to deal with these destructive and hurtful thoughts and feelings I’m having (about the other woman, etc.) and I like how they don’t try to convince you that you can banish thoughts or replace thoughts, because the more you try the harder they come at you. Instead you acknowledge and accept the thought. Not because it’s right or true, but because that’s what you need to do to move on and do constructive and worthwhile things with your life. It doesn’t mean you like the thought or plan to live with it. But you are taking action that will ensure it comes back less often, and someday not at all.
I suck at trying to explain things. But I am still getting a lot out of the book.
I tried to talk myself out of volunteering at the kids center but I spoke to my therapist about it today and it was clear that my motivation to stop was based on anxiety and fear and those are not good reasons to quit. I start volunteering tomorrow and I’m nervous about it. But as I told my therapist, going there and interacting with people is the only interaction I have with anyone outside of her and my parents!
I told her that I also fear that I come across as odd now. That I’ve forgotten boundaries in conversation. I’m quite awkward. Then I remind myself that plenty of people are awkward. Being awkward doesn’t prevent most of us from doing a good job anyway. I might decide to embrace my awkwardness. Claim it.
The truth is I’ve probably always been odd, but I was pretty good at faking being normal. Not good at faking anything these days.
It’s so nice to have a two or three day break from those days when I have terrible feelings. And today at the market an attractive older man made eye contact with me. It tickled me a little. I have a tendency not to look around at people and so it was a real surprise.
Even though I fear I will not make love again, I really do believe that if I want love in my life again, it will come to me. In time I’ll be ready for it.