So Today My Husband Kissed Me

My husband had finally sent me the agreement that if he gets money for a settlement he’s involved in, he’ll give me half of it. I printed it, signed it, and took it to him for him to sign. I picked him up downtown, he got into the car and I drove to find a spot to park.

He signed the paper and we talked for a few minutes. He said I looked great. He said my skin looked great. And my lighter hair. He can really see how much weight I’ve lost.

He said he won’t bail on me and won’t turn his back on me. He said he still cares about me and that he “fancies” me. He just does not want to live with me.

Then he kissed me and I kissed him, but I kept it to a couple of seconds. He said he still desires me. I said I missed him that way too, but I need more, so I won’t be going there with him. He said, “Not even for a shag now and then?” I said, “No. Sorry.”

He said, “Not even for $1,000?” I laughed and said, “Yes, for a $1,000 I’ll consider it.” Was I kidding? Yes, mostly.

I’ll never understand what happened. I don’t even try any more.

The kiss was very nice. Our physical relationship always was great. I wish I could shag him, but I won’t.

I am baffled by him — I’m in a daze.

I wish he would not play with me like that. I think the lesson here is: Don’t get into the car with my husband.

Still, we talked about what we might do with this money that MIGHT come and I always enjoyed those conversations with him. He thinks outside the box. He would partner with me, he says, but doesn’t want to be hands on. I said I’d think about it.

If it involves running into him and his girlfriend, I’m not interested.

I pray he gets enough money for us to even think about opening a business. The idea we’ve been floating for years now would be something that, if it worked out, we could duplicate it all over Oregon or beyond. But I don’t think I can be around him that much. I need to move on, not let him dangle me or eventually get me into bed again.

I think it’s not me, it’s his ego that keeps him playing with me. That’s probably obvious to anyone reading this.

I could have accepted a new sort of relationship with him, providing we were monogamous, but he was never open to discussing our staying together.

I need someone who likes me enough to live with me. That’s not asking too much!

Then my husband will really get jealous, which will excite him. I think that’s really weird. But that’s his thing, thinking of me with other men which is something I told him had to be limited to his fantasies.

A bit later.

I went to my volunteer work and it was great. I was nervous and didn’t need to be. It was a domestic violence case. It’s illegal, apparently, to beat your significant other in front of your children. Won’t say more since I am sworn to secrecy.

Tomorrow I will swim and then go to the kids center again. I don’t know what to think about what happened with my husband today. His ego apparently won’t let him behave appropriately around me. At the same time, it was so lovely to kiss someone.

I feel right now that I want to recover and find someone new and when I do, I’ll kiss him a lot.

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