Mediocre Friday, but No Complaints

Another week is coming to a close. I was busy, and I’m not always great at learning to go with a new schedule, or non schedule. I don’t like being a person who insists upon a routine, so I like to challenge myself by not having such a set one, but it is a challenge.

I am finding myself getting a bit snippy today and wonder why. I had two, four hour shifts volunteering at the kids center this week and that went really well. I worked very hard on my website, I swam on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and today. But as always my husband is on my mind.

I was thinking about how he kissed me and my confusion over that. I realize it had nothing to do with him wanting me back as a wife, but everything to do with his ego and his ability to control me. I come from an era (or perhaps a mindset) where turning a man down is considered bad form and I’ve never known how to stop being that way. In so many ways I should hate him for how’s he has treated me yet it just feels like wasted effort. Also, until I have half of that settlement money, I really can’t afford to alienate him too much.

If the money comes then I can decide how much I want him in my life. But the kissing — that won’t happen again, as much as I’d like it to.

He said he still fancies me, he just doesn’t want to live with me. So who does he want to live with? Let me know so I can find her, compare myself to her, and feel worse about myself, please.

I am glad to be wearing normal clothes that actually fit me — it’s been so long. At the same time, I look at my face in the mirror and really do not like what I see. I suppose it’s from losing weight and gravity and age, but I feel I can see nothing but those creases from the corners of my mouth down my chin. It’s either gotten really bad or the lighting in my mom’s bathroom is bad, or both.

I don’t want to feel so suddenly old. I was in denial before, plus when you’re fat, your face is plumper and you’re just not aware of what is happening. Now there’s the sag, the wrinkles, the feeling of extra skin. Honest to god, I thought if I get enough money I might consider a face lift! I would have never thought I’d ever feel that way!

But I’ve mentioned this weeks ago that I really didn’t know what I’d look like thinner because I’ve been fat for so long. I wish I had someone in my life who knew I was pretty and still thinks I’m pretty, but I have no one like that.

I recall looking at my sister last year when she was here. She is tall and thin, but due to gastric bypass surgery. Also she was bigger than I was — she got to 350 pounds, so she had a lot of loose skin, and she’s a heavy smoker. So although she is four years younger than I am, I felt that she looked older. Now that I am creeping towards a normal weight, I’m not so sure! I know, I know, I keep telling myself that it is what it is and the important part is being healthy and fit… I know.

I’ve been trying to improve my freestyle stroke and finding it really challenging. I read that most coaches suggest you exhale through your nose and that’s not working for me very well. I can do a combination of both mouth and nose, but just nose is causing me to end up with water where I don’t want it.

And the stroke. I think I really need to work on my stroke. It seems no matter how many videos I watch on YouTube, there are no two ways of teaching proper stroke technique. Just when I think my stroke is ok I realize my feet are hardly doing anything back there! It’s really a lot to think about at once, kicking, stroking, breathing, alignment. I find if I think about better kicking technique that my strokes become sort of mechanical and jerky.

I think perhaps in a month, when I can afford it, I need to pay for a few lessons. No need to keep doing something wrong, especially when I do it so much.

My fear of sharing too much or being awkward at the kids center was unfounded. I can tell I’m doing fine and doing well at learning the job. I think I’ll be really glad that I stuck with it.

I think I may not lose weight this week and that perhaps being nervous about the job might have made me snack a bit too much. I always think about Weighday (Sunday) on Fridays and Saturdays and consequently don’t eat a lot on those two days.

Even though I’m at the large end of the sizes at Old Navy, it’s such a treat to walk through the store and know that most of the clothing I see is available in my size. Their clothes are not super high quality, but that’s ok, since I hope to be going through a size every four to six weeks. The good thing about “skinny jeans” is that you can keep wearing them until they are normal jeans, more or less.

If, for more than 15 years you’ve only been able to buy clothes at Lane Bryant or plus size clothing sections, it’s almost joyful to not feel so left out, and to buy clothes that are cheaper!

I’m still hoping that in a month or so, I’ll treat myself to a spring/summer dress to wear with sandals.

I know this will sound odd, considering I still have a good 50 pounds to lose, but it’s hard to imagine feeling smaller than I do now. I’m very aware of how much space I take up and it’s hard to believe that I will take up even less space. I almost feel as though I’m disappearing! It’s hard to remember that that’s what healthy bodies are supposed to look like. I imagine it’s because I’ve gotten used to my size and the longer I keep the weight off the more I’ll get used to what it feels like to take up the appropriate amount of space.

Even when I’m in my suit at the pool I imagine that I look slender when I couldn’t possibly look slender. I think that’s part of just feeling fit. I’m glad, at least, that I’m not really too self conscious when I’m walking from the locker room to the pool. Plus, I try to remind myself I’m there to exercise and that’s the only reason I’m there.

There was an enormous naked woman in the shower yesterday and I thought she was incredibly brave to bare it all that way. I walked past her again on my way to the changing room and she was sitting in her undies on the bench in front of the lockers being interviewed on the phone by some short term care facility after her husband’s recent stay there. She was saying how he’s not the easiest of patients because he has some dementia and I thought to myself that we just don’t know the burdens other people are carrying around with them. And kudos for her for taking some time out of her day to do something good for her, like getting in the water.

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2 responses to “Mediocre Friday, but No Complaints

  1. Sounds like a pretty good week. Loss of a relationship is really a learning, growing time where we can redefine ourselves (in a better, stronger way). It just takes time and of course involves making some “mistakes” but think of them as learning experiences! I agree, I have a hard time picturing myself smaller even though I was at one time. If only I could go back in time and appreciate being at a healthy weight because I didn’t then.

  2. Hi, Cynthia. Yes, it’s weird. All the times in my life when I thought I was fat and I wasn’t — what a waste of time! I, too, wish I had appreciated being at a healthy weight then.

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