I think I am turning that corner in dealing with and accepting the demise of my marriage, but it’s a super wide corner that’ll take me months to complete and I’m only at the beginning of the curve. I had great swims yesterday and today, and my husband was not on my mind much, but more than I’d like.
He called me this morning to tell me about his appointment with his attorney yesterday. As usual we digressed and he teased about giving me $1,000 to have sex with me. I said, “I’m afraid to say I’m not worth $1,000.” I also told him to be more sensible with his money.
I told him that I had spent months throwing myself at him and since he is not interested I will eventually find someone who is. I said I want to be in a monogamous, committed relationship with someone who adores me. He then went on to tell me that adoration isn’t the end all be all. It’s the desire for sex which must be foremost.
I disagree with him for the most part, but I began to feel so hurt, as though I had withheld it from him. Or as if I didn’t enjoy sex. I did, very much. But the more stressful things got, the harder it was and not just for me, for both of us. Plus he was gone literally seven nights a week, so we were lucky to fit it in in the afternoons between his many phone calls.
He’s borrowed someone’s car, so that also makes me wonder but I have to shove it out of my mind. It’s just not my concern, is it? No. It’s not.
He said his attorney wants to take his case to trial in order to get more money. He wants to meet me in a couple of weeks to see how I’d be as a witness. My husband told him that I was all American, tall, blonde, green eyes, and cries easily. Well, I do cry easily so I’ll make a great witness, I guess.
He said his friend wants to open a business here in Eugene and cut him in on it. I said, “Good luck” with that friend who promised us so many times he’d help us start a business. But this friend has been more or less bankrolling my husband for months now, so he’s lucky to have a friend like that.
That friend is just one who prefers my husband to be single like he is. And when that 50 year old is in a relationship, it’s usually with a college student. And he buys her very, very expensive gifts. It’s creepy, I’ll be honest.
Remember that kid’s song “One of these things is not like the other. One of these things doesn’t belong.” Well, I am the thing that didn’t belong. I’m still really mad at myself for continuing to feel love and desire for him. So mad, you can’t imagine.
Why’d he have to go and f*ck someone? He probably wanted to know what an un-fat American woman was like…
And his flirting. Most of us enjoy a little innocent flirtation, but he should STOP doing that to me. I tell him I don’t need him to boost me up and he says he’s not boosting me up and that I’m “an attractive woman who won’t find it difficult to find a new lover.” He asked me if I wanted a younger man. This is absurd. I don’t want to talk about what I want with him! I told him the conversation was making me sad and I needed to get to the pool.
His flirtations are on one hand sort of nice to hear. Nice to know someone desires you. BUT, he has told me on more than one occasion that a man will f*ck “anything” meaning ANYTHING, from weight to height, ugly to pretty, everything. So it’s not like I feel truly complimented. And do I think men will f*ck anything? Some will, some won’t. I try not to generalize.
But I don’t want to be with a man who will f*ck anything. Yet I do want a man who still finds sex, well, sexy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not obsessed with it. I’m not even kinky. I am simply not ready to give it up yet.
He told me some weeks ago to go find a man now. I said no. “First I’m not ready. And second, I don’t want to be with a man who finds a 200 pound woman attractive.” I know that seems harsh, but I want more from myself and from other people. Being that overweight is not good for you and I don’t find it attractive in myself. I don’t like having people see me and think I might be lazy, or whatever it is that thinner people think of fat people.
I wish I could meet a new man right now. I need the distraction. It will help me to keep my husband at arm’s length. If I met an older attractive man right now… sigh…
I don’t even know how much I mean that.
I have one conflicting emotion after another.
The only good news is that The Grand Budapest Hotel is FINALLY in our city and my parents and I are going to see it this afternoon. I’m so excited. I’m a huge Wes Anderson fan.
It’s Friday, creeping towards Weighday, and I’ll be honest, I have no idea if I’ve lost weight. I’ve tried. My goal is to be no more than 209 on Sunday.