I’m such a fucking idiot. I’ve changed my clothes and gotten into bed. I’m such a loser.
We were supposed to go see The Grand Budapest Hotel. I’ve waited a year for it to come out. I asked my parents if they wanted to come, they said yes.
My mom starts saying she wants to do this errand and that errand on the way and she’s counting back the time of when we should leave. I began to fear that by the time we got there, the best seats will be gone. They like to get to the theater with two minutes to spare and I can’t do that.
I offered to go first in my car, buy the tickets, and hold the seats.
Everything fell apart from there. Nobody’s going to the movies. We’re all mad at one another. I feel like an idiot.
This is all because my mom likes to put things off so that we have no cushion time, and I am obsessed with being places early. Perhaps I am a control freak. I told them I was so sorry, that it must be part of my obsessive compulsive tendencies that I fear I’ll be late.
Mom said, “We weren’t going to be late.” I said, “I just hate for you to have to leave so early. I can easily hold the seats.” She saying, “How. How can we get in?” “I’ll put a coat and sweater over it.” It naturally fell apart because it was ridiculous.
She said, “You can sit where you like and dad and I will sit where we like.” I said, “Mom, why go to the movies together if we’re not going to sit together?”
I really hate it when plans get complicated and I said, “Forget it. I’m sorry. I’ll go see it Monday.” Passive aggressive.
And so, after waiting a year to see a movie. I’m in bed and just took an anti anxiety pill. My mom’s fishing in the fridge for something to eat tonight since her plans are all ruined. I am despising myself.
To top it all off, I completely forgot that I had a counseling session today and I missed it.
Fuck. I hate myself right now.
No wonder no one can live with me.
I am so sad.
That was yesterday. It will come as no surprise that I cried, took an ativan, and a nap. When I got up I was still so embarrassed that my fear of being late ended up ruining our whole afternoon and evening. I still feel so stupid about it today, although things are pretty normal between us all.
I take all the blame for that. I could have easily said, “You know, I want to get really good seats. I’ll go ahead and save our seats, and you guys come in when you’re ready.” But they kept wondering why we’d need two cars at the mall. They’re right. I’m weird.
So I feel foolish that I care about getting good seats as well. I mean, I should just act like I’m going to the movies, like other normal human beings. You go. You find a seat. You sit. You watch the movie.
Then today, I had another really good hard swim, and I go into the locker room and a huge woman has blocked my way with her mobility scooter thing and so I had to change my routine and ended up dropping my water bottle on my bare toes. And in my head I cursed her and her stupid mobility scooter. And at once I hated myself for being so mean. If you can’t have patience with a woman who requires a damned scooter to get around, god help you.
This is all about self loathing, I feel fairly certain.
I’ve noticed that after my husband flirts with me, I get very crabby for a couple of days. I wrote to him yesterday and said, very briefly, “Stop flirting with me and talking about sex with me. It is making me miserable.” No reply.
It’s so hard to resist him when he shows me attention. That familiar voice on the phone. Laughing at things that we know make the other one laugh. Knowing things only the other one knows. Speaking intimately with someone when you have no one else to speak to.
We spoke really briefly today about the new logo he’s designing for me for my website. I kept it to business and hung up as quickly as I could. But last night, I’ll admit, I was thinking about the other woman.
I’m in an angry phase. I’m hating myself when I need to be gentle with myself. I must be much more firm about interacting with him. Also I’m worried about little or no weight loss tomorrow.
I need to chill.
I need to forgive myself. I’m a flawed and sometimes fragile human being. Most of us are. Let’s be gentle with one another.