Weighday, Guilt, and Stress

It’s Weighday and I don’t have absolutely definitive news. The scale behaved oddly as it does sometimes. I stepped on it and it read 209.3 but immediately changed to 207.7. I got on and off it twice more, and it said 207.7. I’ve decided to call it 208 for today. Hope I’m right. This means I am finally in the home stretch to being under 200 pounds.

Starting at 267 I honestly could not imagine I could get below 200 pounds, but now I am certain I can. It may take me a month, but I’ll get there. And from there I will continue to get even more fit. It takes longer than I’d like, but it’s good for me to practice patience and also, if I took it off much faster it might not be too healthy.

Part of me wishes so much that I could fast forward and have most of the rest of the weight gone and much of the pain of my separation behind me. But that would mean not experiencing today, and I wouldn’t want that either. I am learning about myself and my ability to handle things every day. It’s not fun, nor pretty, but it’s important.

A couple of weeks ago I changed my Netflix password because I felt resentful knowing my husband and his girlfriend are enjoying entertainment on me. Then I felt terribly guilty about it. I implied to him that I canceled the subscription. But today he said his daughter wanted to use it and so he said he’d ask me if I canceled it or just changed the password. I told him I’d get in touch with her. He said, “So that means you changed the password.” I said, “Yes. I didn’t feel like paying for entertainment for you and your girlfriend.” He said, “That’s fine. I don’t use it anyway.”

And I’m feeling guilty.

What’s wrong with me?

I think I truly can’t get it through my thick skull that we are not together and will never be together again. I really can’t. I am so ashamed of myself.

This is going to be a stressful week. My brother, his wife, and newborn are all coming to visit. It’s the first time we’ve seen the baby in person. I am very excited about it, as we all are, but my mom… She is insane when guests are coming, but triply so when my brother is involved.

He asked if they could use their car while here rather than rent a car, so she took the car in, bought new tires and gave it a complete tune up. She bought baby furniture. And now she’s planning menus that are driving me insane.

My dad and I are just trying to smile and nod as we attack her “honey do” list which grows by the day. Oh, and the dogs which don’t need it, are going in for grooming on Tuesday. The lawn guys have been here and will be coming back. She’s a wreck. An absolute wreck. All for a three day visit. Three days.

She does this at holidays too. I don’t know how she can say she gets any enjoyment out of holidays or visits when she is so emotionally ruined by the time they happen. And she is aware of it, but shrugs it off as one more thing she can’t do anything about.

And I am sick of people behaving as though they can’t change. Especially when they see that their behavior is wrong and makes you and everybody else miserable.

It is going to be a long week.

I should be pleased with myself for continuing to lose weight and instead I’m stressed about my mother’s behavior and guilty over withholding my Netflix password from my husband. Something that costs less than $10 a month. Am I pathetic?

Don’t answer that.

He has been updating my logo and it’s not easy work. But you’ll recall that I still pay a considerable amount each month to pay his cell phone bill. It’s not like me to be selfish about these things. But he’s not my man any longer. And I don’t want to pay for him and his sweetheart to be entertained. Let her give him her Netflix password.

I am really hurting today.

Turning a corner? Not today. Today it’s all breaks.

Sunday Stats
Starting weight: 267 (mid October 2013)
Today’s weight: 208
Total weight loss to date: 59 pounds
Height: 5’8″
Goal weight: about 150 (about 58 pounds to go)


2 responses to “Weighday, Guilt, and Stress

  1. congrats on your weight loss! woohoo. I’m sorry you feel guilty about the password. He doesn’t deserve to have access to your netflix and it’s perfectly ok for you to change it. This is the guy who has kept your belongings from you for months. That’s not ok. Your mom obsessing over pleasing your brother seems very similar to you trying to please your husband to me from an outsider viewpoint, but of course I don’t really know that. I hope you are able to get through the week ok. Try to remember that it’s just temporary and soon things will go back to “normal”. Don’t forget to go swimming. You will need that!

    • Thank you soooo much, Cynthia. I wish I could enjoy it more than I am! If I were someone else watching how I behave with my husband, I’d want to grab me by the shoulders and shake me! That’s why I feel so embarrassed by how I feel. I will indeed swim as much as possible this week. I hope you’re well. Thanks so much for your comment.

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