Mostly Shame

Not a great day. A lot of realizations. Too much negativity. Some despair.

I woke up today with one of those areas sort of between your neck and shoulder blade that hurt really bad. I knew it would only get worse since I’ve had them before. I took some Aleeve and put a hot pack on it.

I went to swim to see if I could loosen it. Swimming didn’t hurt it, but didn’t seem to help it much, either. I’m home now with heat on it again. But while I swam, on my first lap of the breast stroke, I pulled a muscle almost near my groin and it was very annoying. So I felt a bit like I was falling apart. But I quit swimming after about 40 minutes because I began to cry into my goggles and when you’re crying, you don’t swim well.

I started thinking about how pathetic I am and I felt so worthless and unlovable. I came home and took an anti-anxiety pill. I have about five left. I called in for another 15.

I thought volunteering would change my life. I thought having my website would change my life. Nothing changes my life.

I don’t have a single friend. Not one human on earth I can turn to and get out of the house with.

I am so ashamed of everything. Of having no friends. Of being broke and broken at 56. But mostly I am ashamed that I somehow feel I could still love a man who treated me so vilely.

I’m not talking about just since the breakup. No. I’m talking seven years of really bad behavior on both our parts, but he took fighting to a level I didn’t know anyone could. He called me names you would not call your worst enemy. He called my family names at times. He hit below the belt often.

Like a PTSD victim I can easily close my eyes and be back there in a heartbeat. Him screaming at me and hurting me to my core. Breaking me. Blaming me for all of our troubles.

He’s a fascinating person with a lot of charisma. He also can be extremely inspiring. But he’s the most opinionated person you’ll ever meet. Usually people either love or hate him. No in-between.

Of course I am convinced that it was my behavior that made him that angry which is textbook abused-victim behavior.

There is so much I didn’t like about him, but in my current condition I can’t seem to remember them. I only remember that I may be alone for the rest of my life. And not only alone, but desperately poor. And that I may never be intimate with a man again.

But I can’t remember how he stayed awake all night and slept all day. And when he was awake he was on the phone with his family who were far away. I was always in the background. And when the calls stopped, I’d serve him dinner. And when dinner was over, he’d leave and not be home until one or two a.m.

Night after night after night.

And because he was unable to work for anyone, we used up every penny I had until I didn’t have a penny left. Not only that, but profoundly in debt. All the debt was in my name. He was too new to the country to get credit.

But I picture his face and his mouth moving fast and I hear the voice getting high pitched and can’t even figure out what he’s saying, but he’s saying it. All the cruel, obscene, hateful, hurtful insults you can imagine.

And a few times there was physical violence. And one time in particular when I knew he could kill me and might kill me. That last year in England was a complete nightmare. I was putting in my time until I could come back home. I wanted to leave without him but he wouldn’t let me. I thought, fine, I’ll bring him home and then I’ll leave him. And I pretty much did that, but then he begged me, literally on his knees to come back to him, and I did.

Six months later he dropped me like a hot potato.

He’s kept me from my possessions. He’s fucked other women. He’s played with my head. He wants to be thought of as a good person, but in truth he’s a jerk.

So why do I feel that I love him? I couldn’t possibly love him. So what is wrong with me?

Together we redesigned the logo for my website. He put it up and the circle wasn’t circular, it was oval. I told him right away that it needed to be round, or gone, but not oval. And for two days I looked at that thing and it bothered me so much. And every six hours I emailed him asking about fixing it. He kept saying he would do it. And finally I sent him an email today, in bold red font, that he just needs to take the oval off and I’ll be satisfied with the logo without it.

An hour later I looked at the site and the oval is gone, but now the font is stretched too tall. I texted him and said please can you make it normal height. I feared he’d leave the stretched version up there for two days like he did the oval. He wrote back that I “am ill” and other choice words.

He’s right. I am ill. I realize he’s doing me this favor.

When I got out of swimming he texted that he was still working on it. I just wrote back and said, “Never mind. It’s fine the way it is. Please send me the logo when you can.” And I will try, with all my might, not to bother him with my website any more. Dealing with him is making my life harder. I don’t need that.

I need a few days of absolutely no contact whatsoever. I need to try to get in to see my counselor. I need to read my ACT book and the handouts my counselor gave me. Maybe it’s pathetic of me to fight this and try to be proactive and feel that there’s hope for me to have a life with a good man, but the only alternative is suicide. Death sounds pretty appealing to me today, I’ll be honest. But I’m doing everything I can to hope that tomorrow will be better.

I am now appropriately high from my ativan. So I will go do the chores I promised mom I’d do for company later this week.

I am so tired of feeling sad and desperate.

I am pretty sure I’m a good person with a lot of love to give, but I’m not certain.

I thank everyone who reads this “blog.” It is rather pathetic. And not all all inspiring as I had intended it to be. I am just hanging on.


2 responses to “Mostly Shame

  1. Your life won’t change overnight. Do you like volunteering? Does it help you feel useful? Does it get you out of the house? Does it get you to be around other people? I think you would answer yes to those from what you’ve said. The problem with depression is we focus on the negatives and then we blow them up and they overwhelm us so we can’t see the positives. Your life will change for the better, but slowly and it will be because you make the changes yourself.
    I used to say the same thing, that I have no friends. But I have come to accept that for myself. For you, if you really want friends and want to get out and do things with others, you will have to make that happen. Put your efforts into finding friends if that’s what you value. I’m no expert on finding friends (obviously) but I guess try in areas you are interested. Like take an exercise class at the pool for people your age. Or a seminar on web design. Or join a singles group, or hiking group. Try to talk with the people you volunteer with. Or just say something like, ‘I’m getting a divorce and feel lonely and would like to make some new friends, do you have any ideas how I might do that?’ Or ask your therapist. Or join a depression support group. I dunno. When I got divorced the local community college had a “class” for displaced homemakers. It was awesome and I met women there and since we all were newly divorced, we went out and stuff. I also joined a divorce support group and we did all kinds of fun things to blow off our frustrations! That’s how I met people and moved on.
    Maybe an idea for you would be to take the money you use for your husband’s cell phone bill and pay a web designer instead. There’s lots of ppl who don’t charge much to do minor things like the logo- especially young ppl just starting out in web. Then you would have no reliance on your husband to get it done right for you.

  2. Cynthia, I appreciate your advice and encouragement. I do need a friend or two but I am shy, or perhaps not shy, but so insecure that it feels like shyness. Either way, I don’t know how to put myself out there. Nevertheless, after my brother’s visit this weekend, I plan to try a couple of things, including the local walking group. Funny you mention the community college class you took, my daughter just completed a “women in transition” class at her community college and she said it was a priceless experience. I meant to look into it for this term, but I let the time get away from me.
    I do need to break more ties with my husband because I can easily see that it’s affecting my ability to heal and move on. Thankfully today I feel more angry than depressed, and to be honest, it’s a bit of a relief. I am also going to the kid’s center today, so it will be a busy day, which I always need. There’s another place that I was considering volunteering at as well. Thank you, again, Cynthia. Your support means so much to me.

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