I’ve teetered close to depression the last couple of days, but kept it closer to melancholic resentment.
I seem to have come to the conclusion (hope it lasts) that a big issue here is that I need help in pulling away from someone who did more than hurt me, he abused me. I am well enough to see it is what I absolutely must do, but not well enough to make it easy to do.
This is the second full day where I have not messaged my husband, emailed him, or spoken to him on the phone. It was clear to me three days ago, when I had a lot of problems with my website, that he was absolutely distracted and could not have cared less about helping me. I saw it. I felt it. I accepted it.
To have him call me once or twice a week, flirt with me, fuck with my head, and then pull away again is absurd and cruel and I can’t put up with it any longer. He’s done with me. I need to face that he was very, very wrong for me, and get on with my life.
Physically I’m sort of a mess. I’m still swimming every morning, but my stomach/bowel issues are not good. I do think it’s IBS, but am afraid to have it checked out. My gallstones are not as bad as last week, but I did get a call to go see someone about that next week. Not looking forward to that either. I don’t want surgery, but I don’t think there’s an alternative.
Having gallbladder disease feels shameful because if I had not been fat, I probably would not have gotten gallstones. So naturally I’m just full of self blame here.
I’ve done two shifts at the kid’s center this week and won’t be back there until next week. I’ll be busy for several days because we have out of town guests coming. It’ll be a nice distraction.
I haven’t had a minute to relax so I’m off to do some channel surfing before bedtime.