I’ve been busy but managing to fit swimming into my schedule pretty well. I volunteer and am learning a lot there. I’m glad I looked them up and went for it. It is giving me confidence in myself.
My husband is still on my mind far more than he should be, but the feelings are certainly less intense. Sometimes I really want to share something with him and I stop myself because we’re not friends and I don’t want to behave like one. Still, I miss him.
Now and then I allow myself to think about another man in my future, even though the odds are against it given my age. But for the first time in my life I am being patient; I have to because I’m so broken. The betrayal of an affair is something I’ve never felt in my life. I knew that it was always something I would never forgive, but until it hits you, you simply can’t imagine the pain of it.
My husband texted me today inquiring about a new external hard drive I bought; he asked how it was going. I said I have been too busy to even open the box. He said, “You’re busy lately.” I said, “Yes. Thank goodness.” He said, “What’s got you so busy?” And I know he is asking because he wants to know if/when I meet a man, but I simply wrote, “Just a lot of little things.” Then I excused myself and went to the pool.
I know it sounds incredibly twisted, but he will get turned on if he finds out I am with another man sexually. That’s why I wouldn’t want him to know. I don’t want to contribute to his “pleasure.”
Speaking of the pool. How beautiful is this photo? I got there and had the whole lap pool to myself for a while!
Since I’m not sure if I can fit swimming in tomorrow I made sure to give myself a good workout today. And you can see part of my new Speedo backpack there — I am really enjoying it so much. I no longer have to pay for a locker!
I see my therapist tomorrow morning and what I want her help with is understanding that I am a woman reeling from an abusive relationship and I am particularly vulnerable therefore I need to be as strong as I can be because I am fairly certain that my husband will begin to pursue me at some point and I do not want to be vulnerable when that happens.
I want him. I want to make love with him. And I know that would be a horrible mistake. We’re done as husband and wife and lovers. We’re done. Even if he were a better man, the minute we began to make love, I’d be filled with the image of him with someone else, or think of him comparing me to someone else, and I know I would not be able to go on. There are some things we know about ourselves and this I know would be reality for me.
If other people can forgive and forget, more power to them. I know my own limits.
Besides, I want a man who will treat me better and that’s the bottom line.
I feel that there might be a small connection with my husband because if his children ever make it out here then I would like to see them and they would want to see me. But I’ve known him for 8 years and he’s never been able to bring them so far… Poor kids.
Perhaps I am way off in thinking that he will eventually begin to pursue me. It doesn’t really matter. I threw myself at him for months and months and those days are over. I am healing slowly. I feel it. I thought it would never come.