Today is my 100th post.
For some reason the weekends are hard for me. I’m having a rough time.
I weighed today for the first time in two weeks. I was very reluctant to do so! I weighed 208 two weeks ago and today weighed 206.5 so that’s a very small weight loss in two weeks time. I suppose I should be happy it’s a loss at all, but at this rate I will not get to average weight for a long time.
I need to step it up but it’s very difficult and directly connected to my anxiety and depression. I question my motivation for losing weight right now. I feel that if I don’t lose weight, I will not be able to “put myself out there” to meet someone new. I have said (rather harshly) that I don’t want a man who finds a 200lb woman attractive. But that’s rather simplistic. After all, I know my worth is more than numbers on a scale. But let’s face it, initial attraction is what gets us started in relationships.
I was bigger than I am now when my last husband and I split up. When I met my current spouse (online) he went on and on about his love for bigger women. I don’t think he was faking that because he kept it up throughout our relationship, but that didn’t mean I liked myself that way. I surely did not. I wish I had lost the weight back then, and not now. Maybe having some pride in myself would have kept me from sinking so low in life and in this relationship.
Reading other women’s blogs about cheating husbands turned out not to be a great idea for me. I think some can be helpful and others might be triggering and so I need to be careful what I read. The blogs of women who describe their healing process are better for me.
I feel I have set myself back and that really frustrates me. I went online this morning to find out about walking groups, etc., which I am afraid to join for so many reasons, i.e. being the oldest, being the only single one, being too out of shape, etc. Then I ended up looking at Craigslist personals which are really the lowest of the low and I had no business being there.
If I thought Craigslist men were the only men out there for me, I’d go lesbian or become a nun. I don’t even know where to begin in describing them, but just the fact that so many of them are “420 friendly” and I find that dumb. I find pot dumb. I find pot smokers dumb too. I’ve never known a pothead who could actually do anything other than be high. Blah.
I am now so depressed that I may have to take an ativan. Fuck me. I’m about ready to jump down my mother’s throat.
I feel I’ve been irresponsible with money this month and that makes me ashamed and afraid to look at my bank balance. I think I may take back the external hard drive because I think I don’t really need it after all.
Since I know it would be bad for me to try to meet a new man now, I simply have to keep myself busy. Very busy. So busy that I can’t even think about it. My problem is that I keep wondering that when I am ready, how on earth will I meet him? No friends. No outside hobbies. I’m looking for someone of quality. I will not find him on Craigslist.
To make matters worse, I am still attracted to, and desirous of my husband, yet I know I can’t be with him since he had sex with other people. It’s too hurtful. When (if) he starts begging me to come back I will ask him if trying out another woman’s pussy was worth it to him.
Because of his lawsuit we haven’t begun the divorce process yet. I’m glad. I can only do one thing at a time at this point. It took me months just to remove my wedding band.
I think weekends are particularly bad because it really emphasizes how I have no one to do anything with. I’m extremely lonely. And my husband calls me during the week in the early part of the day, but never evenings or nights or weekends, probably because he’s busy with his girlfriend and friends. This makes me so fucking depressed.
I am pathetic. I hate when I get this down on myself. I should not have gone back and read my own journal about the breakup. It only made me feel that I may have been able to prevent it if only I’d done this or that. If I could step back to this date, knowing what I know now… That doesn’t happen in real life.
Instead of feeling proud of a 60 pound weight loss I’m hating myself for weighing what I weigh.
I read the Guardian newspaper online and leave comments there quite often. I see so many women my age who have given up all hope of finding another love. I simply can’t bear to think that aloneness and loneliness might be my future. It’s just not what I envisioned for myself. And the idea of getting to know someone and accepting all their idiosyncrasies is almost too much to consider.
Shit. Now I’m crying.
I don’t want to be alone.
I love my husband, the good parts of him.
I’m convinced I’ll never meet anyone.
If my husband gets this settlement, and if it is a fairly significant amount, and if he gives half to me as he has sworn to do, I promise to bury myself in work so that I do not have to face that I am alone, and may be alone for the rest of my life. If. If. If. If.
Even now I’d bury myself in work but no one even responds to my resume, which used to be quite impressive. Age discrimination can’t really be avoided. People do it without even realizing it. I figured I’d have to run my own business in order to work at all.
I personally don’t mind being older. It’s nice not to be in the middle of the rat-race so to speak. It’s other people’s reactions to me that are bothersome.
What I need are actual friends who, after some time might say, “oh you know who you’d be good with? Let’s arrange a meeting.” I simply do not want to meet a man from a dating website whom I know absolutely nothing about. I’m fearful of serial daters!
I’m grateful that I’m seeing my psychiatric nurse practitioner tomorrow. He’s the only male in my life who isn’t related to me and I usually feel uplifted when I leave his office. I work at the kids center in the morning, so probably no swimming tomorrow for me.
I need to pull myself out of this funk.
Starting weight: 267 (mid October 2013)
Today’s weight: 206.5
Total weight loss to date: 60.5 pounds
Goal weight: about 150 (about 56 pounds to go)