Monday (yesterday) was another fairly tough day. I went to the kids center to volunteer and then at 2 pm I had my psychiatric nurse practitioner appointment. He’s the one who prescribes my anti depressant and sometimes anti anxiety medications. I don’t like to sit down in psychologist’s lobbies. There’s something that grosses me out about the chairs.
So I stood and by 2:15 I was feeling annoyed about him running late. It’s normal for my GP to run late, but this guy sees people every 30 minutes so I began to stress out.
By 2:20 I went to the window and said (passive aggressively) “I think I’d better just reschedule.” She said, “Oh, I’m sorry. Can you come back at 4pm?” I said, “No.” She said he had no availability until after the 28th, so I whispered under my breathe, “Then tell him to go fuck himself.” And I walked out.
I wanted to cry in the car, but I forced myself not to.
I’m so embarrassed that I behaved that way. He hardly ever keeps me waiting I was looking forward to seeing him. But I’m so fucking high strung right now… So completely over sensitive.
I became convinced as I stood there that I was not important. I was easy to forget about. The other client was better than me and certainly more interesting to listen to. I am a loser and a dull patient. And I couldn’t stop myself, my feet just carried me out.
Now I don’t know what to do or when I’ll see him but I guess I’ll just let myself cool off and call in a couple of weeks.
On one hand, I’m disgusted with myself for over-reacting so badly. On the other hand I just don’t feel like taking anyone’s SHIT THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
Which is why I didn’t cry. I was mad.
But not so much mad at him. More mad at myself and my husband.
I’m primarily mad at myself because I think it’s utterly retarded that I think I still want my husband back. I am really pissed off that I think fondly of a man who cleaned me out, humiliated me, and abused me. What the hell is wrong with me?
I am so tired of feeling this way! I WANT TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE. Do I have to have ANOTHER man to accomplish that? JESUS!
Then I went to Old Navy and bought my step daughter a couple of t-shirts to mail to her in the UK for her birthday next month and I looked up when the movie “Captain America” was showing and I had enough time to get over there for the last matinee of the day.
I don’t know why I, as a middle aged woman, enjoy most super hero movies but I do. I think they’re terrifically entertaining and a really nice way to escape reality for two hours. They demand nothing of you. The special effects are amazing. The plot is usually fairly simple: Good and evil fight. Good wins. Many buildings are ruined.
I ate my popcorn and diet Coke and by the time I walked out of there I felt as though I could take on the world. Pity the man who tries to mug me! I’ll kick him in the face!
As lame as it seems, it really did give me a boost and alter my mood.
So I did something stupid by walking out of the doctor’s office. So the fuck what. I’m tired of always being so down on myself and feeling that my mistakes are the end of the world, or at least the end of my life. I generally like myself, so why do I treat myself so badly?
A couple of nights ago I began to write a book, and I hate to even admit that here since I’m sure it’s clear that my grammar sucks and my vocabulary not huge, but it’s something I wrote years ago for an adult audience and I decided to re-write it for a young adult/teen audience.
It’s a story I know backwards and forwards and I highly doubt anything will become of it, but I decided now is as good a time as any to re-write it and finish it. I really don’t need more time spent at the computer, but there you go. Lately I’ve realized I simply can’t make my website what I want to make of it until I have a small staff of people to help me. So in the meantime, I’ll keep it up, but I won’t sweat over it.
You know why I decided to go back to writing my book? Because I was on Twitter for my kid’s website and saw the photo of an author of a middle grade book, a Scottish man, I think, and he was so handsome. I thought to myself, how could I meet a man like that? And then I thought, well, if I were a fellow writer… So not the greatest motivation but there you have it.
My husband called me today to answer a question I had about the emergency break in the car. Ever since I went through the car wash my emergency break won’t engage. He asked his friend who has worked on the car before and said it would cost about $50 to fix. I said I’d arrange it next month. We chatted about his case and business ideas, which are all over the place. He would like us to start a business together. I say I’ll keep an open mind about it, but that I doubt I can work with an ex. I’m just not made of the right stuff. (Plus here we go talking about money neither of us have. Again. Still.)
I wanted to stay on the phone and talk about all kinds of mundane shit because we were so good at that together, but finally I said I had to go, to get to the pool and we said goodbye. Oh, but not before he asked me if I had an ad on Craigslist. I said, “What? You mean a personal?” He said, “Yeah.” I said, “My god, you never did give me any credit for having any class or dignity. No, I would not ever put a personal ad on Craigslist.” He said, “Okay, well it just sounded like you.”
Ha. You have to admit that’s funny. He’s reading the Women for Men ads on Craigslist and thought he saw his estranged wife there. Oh my god. That’s rich. Sad and pathetic, but rich. Also funny because I had just been talking about Craigslist personals the other day.
I swam and had a good workout, but now that I want to get back to writing my book, my mind went insane with plot twists and things to remember to put in. It was all I could do to stay in for an hour.
Tomorrow I go to see my therapist and she’s in the same office as my psychiatric nurse practitioner. I’ll have to admit what I did and deal with that. I’m trying hard not to care. I usually care too much. It just isn’t that important. I shouldn’t have behaved that way, but it’s not the end of the world.