Goodbye to a Caregiver and Acknowledging Weight Loss

I saw my psychiatric nurse practitioner yesterday and I’m glad I did because he announced he’s moving away and I won’t be seeing him again. My med needs are minimal so he’s turning me back over to my GP for med management. All I am taking is Welbutrin and the emergency ativan now and then.

He did a lot for me. I realized I have seen him for a full year. He watched as my marriage fell apart and my weight went to an all time high. I told him when my husband left me that I was going to change, and that he would never see anyone as motivated as me. I was was true to my word.

Yesterday he printed out a screen shot showing my weight topping out at nearly 270 and yesterday in clothes it was 207. In graph form it looks impressive.

He held it up and said, “This is an accomplishment.”

I shrugged and halfway nodded.

He said, “Say it. Say ‘This is an accomplishment.'”

So I laughed and said it.

Then I added, “If women say they can’t lose weight and get in shape after a certain age you show them that. They can. Post menopausal and without a uterus, we can.”

I told him that he deserves some credit because knowing I would be weighed by  him was an incentive for me. He’d bring it up and look at that “downward trend” and praise me. I began to look forward to the part of the visit where he brought the graph up on the screen.

I feel he did a lot of good for me, especially since he was all I had before I got my therapist a couple of months ago. But I’m not sad that he’s leaving and I won’t be seeing him again. I feel the timing could not be better, actually. I wished him well. Usually I’m not so good at separations of this nature so I am relieved that I am taking it so well.

My mother is in a bad state. I’m not sure why, but she’s really being pouty and a jerk to my dad. I’ve decided to go see “Grand Budapest Hotel” again just to get out of the house this evening! She doesn’t know how she sounds. She has no idea how unkind she comes across. I’ve never known anyone to be more miserable by choice. It does seem like a choice to me. I pray to god I’m not as much like her as I fear I am. On the few occasions I’ve tried to talk to her about it, she blames everything on the fact that her husband, my father “doesn’t love her. So how should she feel/behave?” Incredibly sad…

She’s only 20 years older than I am and she is walking very hunched over. I’m becoming aware that I need to fight that and am forcing myself to sit and stand up straight whenever I think of it.

I’ve been very hyper this week, almost manic and panicky. It’s been exhausting because that’s not normal for me. I saw my therapist yesterday and she encouraged me to add the walking/running to my routine, and to do a relaxation/meditation session at least once a day. I told her I’d do that and report back next week.

She tries to tell me I am doing amazingly well and I’ve made incredible progress, but it’s so hard to believe.

I told her how frustrated I am with myself that I’d even entertain the idea of being back with my husband and how I really desperately want to move on. Honestly, the best thing for me, if/when he gets his settlement, is that he just leave this town. It’s not big enough for the both of us.

I think I’d be sad for a while, and then I’d adjust. With him here, I’ll always worry about him beginning to pursue me, or running into him with his woman/women.

I don’t know how he is living or who pays his bills and food. His mother must be sending him money, and his girlfriend must provide something. He truly has NO income. I wonder if any of the friends we knew together realize that he used up my money and discarded me and is probably with a new woman now because she has some. Probably not. If there’s one thing he does well, it’s pretend he’s more affluent than he is. He puts on airs. He fakes it. He probably told his friends that I was mentally ill and he did everything he could and could not take it anymore.

I also spoke to my therapist about this settlement money. If it’s substantial I may consider opening my own business, but the truth is, I can’t afford to lose this money, it’s the last money I’ll get to try to get back up on my feet. I told her that the “smart” thing to do is to get a decent job, like a government job if possible, and work full time and just invest the settlement money. And eventually buy a house again.

I need to be extremely smart with that dough. The dough that doesn’t even exist…

Now it’s Friday. I wrote the above yesterday, Thursday.

My mom is being unbearable. She is pouting so much because she got mad at my dad. When he asks her a question she responds with one syllable answers in a barely audible voice. I’m so embarrassed by her behavior.

I gather it started a few days ago when, after asking dad and I separately if we wanted to go see the new Kevin Costner movie and both of us weren’t interested in seeing it. She then asked her only friend if she wanted to go and so they went. I felt relieved that she had gone on her own.

But, she came home and told dad it was so good she’d like to see it again and go with him. He told her he still didn’t want to see it. And that was that. I don’t know what was said specifically that upset her, but she’s really dragging this out.

This is the stock I come from.

This is why I think I may drive men away from me.

And why I have no friends.

When she is this way I can only think of how in the hell to get out of here.

Sticking to a sensible eating plan has been extremely hard for the last month or so and my weight loss has come to a crawl. Not good when I still have 50+ pounds to go.

Last night I actually had a spoon in my hand and I picked up that container of marshmallow cream, ready to take it away and eat it in secret. Somehow I managed to put it back. I truly feel like an alcoholic taking it one day at a time. Yesterday at the movies I had my usual popcorn, no butter, and a diet drink. I never drink diet drinks unless I’m at the movies and I don’t like them. But yesterday I also bought a large box of Junior Mints. And I ate all of them. I tried hard not to feel that because I’ve eaten something unhealthy and with too many calories, that I am now a complete failure. But the dieting is really hard right now.

I swam yesterday, but only for a half an hour because my daughter’s in town for a brief visit and I took her with me. She would have had nothing to do if I had swam for the full hour. I wanted so much to inspire her, but I felt really self conscience that here’s her mom, 56, swimming and losing weight, and she’s really unhappy about her own weight. I suppose I might be able to inspire her, but her health journey will be hers when she’s ready, not when I impose it on her. I just do not want to do anything that will delay or prevent her from wanting to get healthier.

Sometimes I feel that I have far too much to do and am too busy, then I realize I truly don’t. Right now I don’t and it makes life harder.

I haven’t heard from my husband for a few days and I always get nervous that when he does not contact me, he has left the country — with his money. I don’t want to contact him just to say, “Are you here?” So I hope I at least get a text from him. Of course a text or a phone call these days does not mean you are in town these days… I am so mad at myself for missing him.

I try not to think about the possibility of never having another lover and the only solution to that that I can think of is to work really hard. So it makes things doubly hard that I don’t have enough “real” work to do.

I know I should consider sensible jobs in order to preserve what little money I may get from my husband, but I can’t stop thinking about having my own business — a lifetime dream of mine.

One idea, of many, is to import things from the UK and Europe and have a nice shop here and to sell online as well. I am a true Anglophile and I miss London so much. If I could have a career where I got to go there once or twice a year to shop for my business, I would LOVE that. Am I too old to dream that way?

I guess so much depends on how much money there will be — if any. Life in limbo. It’s what I’m used to now, but I still don’t like it.




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