I weighed 206 today. That’s a half a pound weight loss in a week. To be honest, I was surprised there was weight loss at all.
This is the longest road to getting under 200 pounds ever!
The less depressed I get, and the more anxious I get, the more I want to eat. And what I am eating has changed. I’m eating far too much sugar in my coffee, on my cereal, in my treats. Because I’m wasting calories on that, I am not eating enough “real” food.
I can see my anxiety in other ways too.
I have a lifetime habit of chewing on the skin on my fingers (I know, it’s gross) and right now my fingers and thumbs are hurting. It’s an unseemly thing to do, it’s gross, and afterwards it hurts. And it’s terrible for your teeth. But that’s nerves.
I’ve thought a lot about my husband calling and chatting and it does make me sad that we can relate so well conversationally, and our sex life was usually quite good, so why wasn’t that enough to hold us together so that we could fix what was wrong in our relationship?
And it’s hard not to wonder why, if my husband enjoys my conversation and my sexuality, he chose to turn his back on me. He will say to me, “I don’t have anything now, either, but at least I’m not stressing about it like I did when you were here.”
He’ll never understand how all I asked for was a little bit of security. Watching all you have in the world disappear without ever seeing the bank account go up instead of down, is not easy to take. He actually has accused me of being “materialistic” which I feel is unfair.
But what does fairness have to do with anything?
Yesterday, because Old Navy was having a 30% off sale, I went to check things out. I ended up buying this running jacket, that’s hardly a jacket at all:
It’s unbelievably light and also hole-y, as you can see. But it will give me somewhere to put my iPhone and also cover my arms. Now I think I have everything I need to begin the walk/running thing I want to do. No more excuses!
It’s cold out today, but should warm up a bit. In fact I think today is supposed to be the only fairly decent day this week, weather-wise. So, I’m hoping to try out that couch to 5k app I’ve talked about so often, and just see what happens.
If I can get into it, even just three days a week, it’ll give me a way to stay fit and burn calories that doesn’t involve the pool, which is not always convenient.
I may find that running will be hard for me, given my weak right knee, but I won’t know until I try.
I would love it if I could join some of the many 5k races that happen around here.
I have a funny idea that might make it easier for me to talk to the occasional police officer or DA at the kids center I volunteer at. I have a 1″ button making machine and for some time now, while watching COPS with my dad, I thought it would be funny to make buttons that say, “QUIT RESISTING!” or “GET ON THE GROUND!” So I am going to try to get over to my storage locker today to find the thing and make a few. Then I can ask the officers I see if they prefer “quit resisting” or “stop resisting.” An ice breaker, if you will. Plus I’ll find out if they think it’s as funny as I do. Maybe I can sell some online or in town.
I did send an email to my husband today asking him if he could help me to get a UK passport before we begin divorce proceedings. He got a US passport thanks to yours truly. And having a UK passport would make it 10 times easier to travel in Europe should my dream business come true. If you’re a UK citizen, you are an EU citizen. That’s a lot of countries I’d be able to freely explore. It all depends on the settlement, I suppose. But it should not be hard to get since we’ve been married a while. I think our eight year anniversary is next month. I’m not sure. I’m not good at keeping track of things like that.
Sigh. This is so messed up. I’m so far from feeling “done” with him. I wonder if meeting someone new would help me get over him but at the same time I don’t think I have what it takes to get to know someone from scratch right now. It feels too exhausting. I don’t even know who I am so how can I explain who I am to someone else? And I know this will sound odd, but I almost don’t feel “American” any longer. I have a different world view. What if I can’t find someone who understands that?
Perhaps our friendly conversation is just us becoming friends. But he does not really deserve that, does he? Still, holding on to grudges is only bad for me, not anyone else. But I don’t really want to be his friend. I want to be his wife.
Often during our relationship I would repeat something that was pretty rude. I’d say, “I hope we get wealthy so that I can find out if I really like you.” Because having such terrible financial problems was completely in the way of us really getting to know and love one another. But since the separation six months ago, I feel that I have realized I love him in spite of our financial problems.
I have a feeling he feels the same way, but that said, it’s not enough for us to decide to get back together. For him, he’ll always wonder when I’m going to threaten suicide again. For me, I’ll never trust him not to cheat on me or discard me again. What a fucking shame.
In the early days of our separation, when I realized I truly loved him, I would have shown him and made up for sometimes being cold or indifferent. I wanted one chance to show him I can be demonstrative and loving and I knew I could be. But he didn’t feel I deserved a chance.
Men, I’ve said this before, but please listen: If you are tempted to cheat, please take a step back and think. If you ever loved her then it’s your duty to try not to hurt her, even if you feel you are through. Work on your marriage or leave your marriage. But don’t fuck another woman until you are absolutely certain your marriage is over and you have conveyed that to your wife. Does she deserve to be hurt twice? Knowing you don’t love or want her and knowing you fucked someone else. You just can’t imagine the irreparable harm, not to mention the pain.
Starting weight: 267 (mid October 2013)
Today’s weight: 206
Total weight loss to date: 61 pounds
Goal weight: about 150 (about 56 pounds to go)