Weighday. Quit Resisting! Get on the Ground!

I weighed 206 today. That’s a half a pound weight loss in a week. To be honest, I was surprised there was weight loss at all.

This is the longest road to getting under 200 pounds ever!

The less depressed I get, and the more anxious I get, the more I want to eat. And what I am eating has changed. I’m eating far too much sugar in my coffee, on my cereal, in my treats. Because I’m wasting calories on that, I am not eating enough “real” food.

I can see my anxiety in other ways too.

I have a lifetime habit of chewing on the skin on my fingers (I know, it’s gross) and right now my fingers and thumbs are hurting. It’s an unseemly thing to do, it’s gross, and afterwards it hurts. And it’s terrible for your teeth. But that’s nerves.

I’ve thought a lot about my husband calling and chatting and it does make me sad that we can relate so well conversationally, and our sex life was usually quite good, so why wasn’t that enough to hold us together so that we could fix what was wrong in our relationship?

And it’s hard not to wonder why, if my husband enjoys my conversation and my sexuality, he chose to turn his back on me. He will say to me, “I don’t have anything now, either, but at least I’m not stressing about it like I did when you were here.”

He’ll never understand how all I asked for was a little bit of security. Watching all you have in the world disappear without ever seeing the bank account go up instead of down, is not easy to take. He actually has accused me of being “materialistic” which I feel is unfair.

But what does fairness have to do with anything?

Yesterday, because Old Navy was having a 30% off sale, I went to check things out. I ended up buying this running jacket, that’s hardly a jacket at all:

oldnavy

It’s unbelievably light and also hole-y, as you can see. But it will give me somewhere to put my iPhone and also cover my arms. Now I think I have everything I need to begin the walk/running thing I want to do. No more excuses!

It’s cold out today, but should warm up a bit. In fact I think today is supposed to be the only fairly decent day this week, weather-wise. So, I’m hoping to try out that couch to 5k app I’ve talked about so often, and just see what happens.

If I can get into it, even just three days a week, it’ll give me a way to stay fit and burn calories that doesn’t involve the pool, which is not always convenient.

I may find that running will be hard for me, given my weak right knee, but I won’t know until I try.

I would love it if I could join some of the many 5k races that happen around here.

I have a funny idea that might make it easier for me to talk to the occasional police officer or DA at the kids center I volunteer at. I have a 1″ button making machine and for some time now, while watching COPS with my dad, I thought it would be funny to make buttons that say, “QUIT RESISTING!” or “GET ON THE GROUND!” So I am going to try to get over to my storage locker today to find the thing and make a few. Then I can ask the officers I see if they prefer “quit resisting” or “stop resisting.” An ice breaker, if you will. Plus I’ll find out if they think it’s as funny as I do. Maybe I can sell some online or in town.

I did send an email to my husband today asking him if he could help me to get a UK passport before we begin divorce proceedings. He got a US passport thanks to yours truly. And having a UK passport would make it 10 times easier to travel in Europe should my dream business come true. If you’re a UK citizen, you are an EU citizen. That’s a lot of countries I’d be able to freely explore. It all depends on the settlement, I suppose. But it should not be hard to get since we’ve been married a while. I think our eight year anniversary is next month. I’m not sure. I’m not good at keeping track of things like that.

Sigh. This is so messed up. I’m so far from feeling “done” with him. I wonder if meeting someone new would help me get over him but at the same time I don’t think I have what it takes to get to know someone from scratch right now. It feels too exhausting. I don’t even know who I am so how can I explain who I am to someone else? And I know this will sound odd, but I almost don’t feel “American” any longer. I have a different world view. What if I can’t find someone who understands that?

Perhaps our friendly conversation is just us becoming friends. But he does not really deserve that, does he? Still, holding on to grudges is only bad for me, not anyone else. But I don’t really want to be his friend. I want to be his wife.

Often during our relationship I would repeat something that was pretty rude. I’d say, “I hope we get wealthy so that I can find out if I really like you.” Because having such terrible financial problems was completely in the way of us really getting to know and love one another. But since the separation six months ago, I feel that I have realized I love him in spite of our financial problems.

I have a feeling he feels the same way, but that said, it’s not enough for us to decide to get back together. For him, he’ll always wonder when I’m going to threaten suicide again. For me, I’ll never trust him not to cheat on me or discard me again. What a fucking shame.

In the early days of our separation, when I realized I truly loved him, I would have shown him and made up for sometimes being cold or indifferent. I wanted one chance to show him I can be demonstrative and loving and I knew I could be. But he didn’t feel I deserved a chance.

Men, I’ve said this before, but please listen: If you are tempted to cheat, please take a step back and think. If you ever loved her then it’s your duty to try not to hurt her, even if you feel you are through. Work on your marriage or leave your marriage. But don’t fuck another woman until you are absolutely certain your marriage is over and you have conveyed that to your wife. Does she deserve to be hurt twice? Knowing you don’t love or want her and knowing you fucked someone else. You just can’t imagine the irreparable harm, not to mention the pain.

Sunday Stats
Starting weight: 267 (mid October 2013)
Today’s weight: 206
Total weight loss to date: 61 pounds
Height: 5’8″
Goal weight: about 150 (about 56 pounds to go)

 

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8 responses to “Weighday. Quit Resisting! Get on the Ground!

  1. I wonder, if your husband left because of the financial situation, because he felt, not so much nothing for you, but nothing for himself… Not being able to provide can do a number on their brains… I think we play into it to some degree, not realising the effect it really has on them… But it seems to be the case with many women, that we would take financial stress any day for a solid relationship… I know I would. But I accepted the opposite because… I don’t know, it’s what he was focused on… He thought that was what I wanted, so I went along?

    There’s a diet/lifestyle I’ve been really liking the effects of, I’m not sure about giving out advice… But it’s fully raw 80/10/10… If you don’t want to look it up that’s cool, I don’t follow it to the letter… but basically… You make the main part of your diet, fruit… And you eat as much as you want, you mentioned having a lot of sugar… I like the lots of sugar in fruit… Pineapples especially affect me much like a red bull 🙂 it’s ridiculously easy, especially when you don’t have much mental/emotional energy to put into planning what you’re eating… It’s all pre packaged and ready to eat! And is living and good for you! The hard cores on the internet make it look like a lot of effort heh, but try just keeping lots of apples oranges and bananas around, and pineapples!!! Lol. sometimes it helps to actually cut them up and sit down with them on a plate like an actual meal…

    Fullyraw.com is a really really good place to start 🙂 the girl who runs it isn’t… Meh, like a lot of others who push diets and stuff.

  2. Bamboozled1, yes, I often think it’s because his shame got the better of him. I often think when he gets his settlement he’ll come back to me and try to win me over because he will have money. He’s a deeply flawed man and I’m disappointed in myself for still having feelings for him. I know myself, and the fact that he’s been with at least one other woman means it will be impossible for me to even consider a reconciliation. In my darkest hour I begged him to stay with me and he refused. We are too broken to fix now.

    I do need to get inspired with a new food plan and will look into what you suggested. I would not do that long term, but for a shot in the arm, why not? I did go out and walk/run today and felt really proud of myself and energized. I think with a modification in diet, and adding my new walk/run routine, I should be able to get the rest of the weight off.

    Thanks for writing. I hope you’re well.

  3. mm. money isnt everything though. mines an excellent provider… but he still has many demons…

    i still believe in him, but yeah, having been with someone else really does my head in, even if he found himself and dealt with his stuff… i have the feeling that i might have to do the same to make things square… not that i want to. but. hmm.

  4. Yes. Even if I tried, I know myself. The moment we were making love again ALL I would think of is the other woman and how he chose her over me. I admire women who can forgive and forget an affair. I know I’d make both of us miserable over it.

  5. Maybe I’m just a pessimist but to me it looks like he left you because you ran out of money. I also wonder if he didn’t call just to have phone sex. I’m sorry, I just don’t see any good in that man and am suspicious of everything he does knowing how poorly he treated you and how flawed his character is. You are so much better than that and deserve to be treated with respect, kindness and love. A previous relationship I had ended after 5 years because I finally said “enough”. The continual damage to my self respect had to stop. I very very much loved this man and it took a lot to stop going back. And it took a long time to heal. But it was necessary. (This is why I am so negative towards your husband)

    • I think any normal human being with intelligence would be suspicious of my husband! He may have run out on me because my money was gone, I just can’t admit that to myself. I know that I was really hard to live with as well. Still, that doesn’t excuse how he’s treated me and how he broke up with me, needlessly hurting me over and over. Cynthia on one hand I feel relatively in control of this situation and on the other hand I am terrified he will start to pursue me. I’m holding my breath right now. I appreciate your comment. Are you feeling better?

      • I am feeling better, thank you. I just worry you will get hurt again when you entertain ideas of starting a business together or staying friends. I don’t see anything there that could benefit you. It’s good you feel a sense of control! That’s important.

  6. That’s why I pray I have the strength to say no when the time comes — because I KNOW I’ll get hurt again and I just could not take that. I’d have to be pretty desperate to be with someone whom I can no longer trust.

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