Not Knowing Who She Is and That’s Okay (now)

I have ventured into the blogs of women who have been cheated on again and came away this morning having mixed feelings about not knowing who my husband cheated on me with, or if there is only one.

If I had become aware of the affair before I left him, we would have no doubt had a huge fight over it. And god only knows what sort of scene I would have caused, but it would have been HUGE. And if I knew who she was would I send her emails? Go find her to humiliate her? Contact her husband if there is one? I don’t know.

On one hand I’m glad that, by the time my husband admitted he was with another woman (he never has admitted that he was with her while we were together, but that much is obvious to me), we were separated a couple of months. I had been trying desperately to get him to let me move back and I had even gone so far as to ask that while we were dealing with this decision, he keep his dick in his pants. He said okay, but it was already too late. He wouldn’t even treat me like a human, let alone his wife, except he did take my calls and respond to my texts. I think he knew, given my fragile state and mental problems, that for him to completely ignore me would be the height of irresponsibility.

But our contact was so painful for me because he was utterly closed to me and my feelings and what we had together. As I said many times here on this blog, it was as though the man I knew died and this other man took his place. I actually mourned my husband.

So as I sat there in my car at his curb and asked him who was in the apartment and he began lying really badly, I finally said, “Admit it. Admit that there’s another woman and I’ll leave you alone, because that’s a deal breaker for me. Admit it”

And he said, “Okay. I admit it.”

And he’s not said much more about it in the months since.

I actually appreciate that when I say something a bit snide to him about “your girlfriend” he never takes the bait and always changes the subject. He has never spoken of her. I am grateful for that.

I looked at him that cold rainy winter evening and I realized I was in shock, but I also realized that I had been telling him I had changed in the last couple of months and so I felt that causing a scene would only convince him that I had not changed at all. Although showing feelings when your husband just told you there’s someone else in his life is a good reason to be upset, don’t get me wrong.

I drove home and I’m not sure how. It took two full days for the shock to wear off and the pain to come.

So I did not cause a scene and I have never asked him who she is and while I am curious, I know that it would not be good for me to know. I do not want to compare myself to anyone. Underneath my insecurities I know that I am a good person. I’m interesting and fairly attractive and that some decent man would consider me his catch.

Do I wish and hope that the other woman has some idea of the pain she has caused? Of course, but I blame him more than her.

Underneath my insecurities, shame, and pain, I decided back then to try to behave in as dignified a way as possible because that is who I want to be now. I have not been perfect, far from it, but it’s what I’ve striven for, to have dignity in the midst of this train wreck.

Looking back on the last six months I realize I should be proud of how I behaved, overall. I have not caused scenes. I have not contacted his family to shame him. I have stayed off the subject with his daughters. At the beginning I spied on him a bit, but soon realized I didn’t want to see him with her and didn’t want to catch him in the act of anything. But I did it to protect me, not him.

Don’t get me wrong. I would never judge the women I read about who confront the other woman. If circumstances of my husband’s affair were different, I probably would have done that too. I’m a bit envious that they are able to show their anger right to her face, but it seems to me that the other women never really get it. They just keep making excuses. So what’s the point?

For many months I wanted to know more details and now I’m so grateful I don’t have them. I still dread running into them at the mall and I think I probably will not handle that very well, but knowing me, my feet will turn me around and I’ll run before they even have a chance to figure out what to do. I suppose I can run to take an ativan but then I will now know what she looks like and know that he preferred her over me. The pain will probably start all over again.

That’s one of many reasons I don’t want to go into business with him as he would like. I can say to him that his girlfriends are never allowed to accompany him there, but how long would that last? He would like to have a very European separation with me, meaning when I see him I kiss him on both cheeks and we both still flirt with one another. I won’t do that. That just minimizes the pain he caused me.

He would like to have sex with me, and perhaps if he weren’t my estranged or ex husband I would have sex with him (If he were someone new in my life), but I will not give him that part of me — he already tossed it aside.

The women who are brave enough to express themselves to the other women are to be admired. For me, I’m made of weaker stuff and know my limitations.

Besides, I have changed and I am trying to behave in a way that the next person in my life will find admirable, which in turn causes me to have pride in myself. I think one reason my husband now flirts with me is that he is seeing this calmer, nonreactive woman in me.

I will never forget, however, the extreme pain he has caused me and I know that I deserve better. I still fear I will never love again or make love again, but I just have to brush those thoughts away and hope that when I am healed, I will do so.

I have a staff meeting at the kids center this morning. This evening I am going to the library to attend a “how to start your own non profit business” because it’s something I’ve always been curious about.

I’m not eating very wisely, night time being the hardest. The rain has returned so my ability to continue walking/running outside has been curtailed for the time being. But that’s okay. The rain will go away.

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