FUCK ME

I worked far too hard on my website today. It’s after 9 p.m. now and I finally go to the living room to watch some TV. I’m laughing my head off at a really old Saturday Night Live with Martin Short and Harry Shearer doing water ballet in the Olympics and then the TV does this shit where, because my mom’s watching TV in the other room and recording two shows, I can no longer watch it. I can’t even type or explain I’m so pissed. Fucking DISH fucking network.

My fucking neck is killing me. I’ve sat at this desk and this computer all day except for the hour I fucking swam.

I took an ativan. I’m too wound up.

Jesus, it was funny.

I’ve been crabby all day. Some stupid woman decided to come into my lane with her waist belt thing and her fucking noodle and twice she got in my fucking way. I looked at the lifeguard, like WTF man! She should not be in this pool. Tell her to fucking go to the deep pool or the shallow pool, but get out of my fucking way!

And it doesn’t help me at all that my husband called me this afternoon to chit chat and help me with a question I had on my website. Then we hung up because we’re oh so civil to one another.

It’s as though he got all he wanted. He wanted to get away from me without drama, and basically he did. Did he deserve that? Fucking no. He fucking ruined my life for the time I was with him and now that I’m apart from him.

Asshole.

And I can’t even fucking watch a half an hour of fucking tv to laugh and unwind?

FUCKING NO.

AND

My mom and dad are fighting badly.

AND

One of my mom’s dogs is at the ER tonight. And I like these dogs and I don’t want anything to be wrong with her.

There’s so much fucking tension here you could cut it with a fucking knife.

FUCK ME.

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6 responses to “FUCK ME

  1. I like to see you so angry and frustrated! It’s a start to healing and getting what you want from life. Instead of letting the anger run rampant, think about what you’re really angry about, deep inside (be honest). Then think about what you want in life (what do you value?). Then make a plan to get what you want (live according to your values).

    PS- He really is an a**hole!

  2. That is such good advice, Cynthia. I truly need to reflect on what I want because with any luck I will have some options in the coming months. I need to come up with some ideas that don’t involve him. There is a small business development center here in town, perhaps they’ll help me narrow down my ideas.

    And it is understandable for me to be mad at my husband but I need to remember not to take that anger out on innocent people. I don’t want to be consumed with anger anyway. Life is too short for that.

    Perhaps I need to have a funeral for my marriage. Put it to rest. Bury it.

    Thanks so much for your advice and support.

  3. Your thoughts on anger sound right to me! I like the idea of a funeral. Are you ready to bury it or are you hoping a funeral will help you let go?

  4. Cynthia, I don’t know. I’m so worn out. Just now I was thinking how lucky he was that he could shove me off on my parents. What if they didn’t live here? Where would I have gone? Would he have left as he said he would? No. I’m so discouraged. I just make one mistake after another. I feel like a total loser.

  5. You’re certainly not a total loser in spite of how you feel. That’s one of those thoughts that isn’t true and you can’t trust. To be honest, your husband seems very draining on you and I can see why you feel worn out. Especially if you are also putting energy into wondering “what if”. Ruminating is pretty much a wasted time and I’m slowly learning to stop myself when I find myself doing it. Hard to stop after a lifetime of doing it.

    • Even when I’m thinking those thoughts, and I say they are only thoughts and not facts, I still allow them to affect me. That’s a big part of what I’m trying to learn right now. And, Cynthia, about the ruminating, I really do want to ease up on that. I want to see more signs that I am moving forward — perhaps I’m just being impatient. Thanks so much for checking in.

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